These stock images show what parenting's really like (NOT!)

My daughter and I love to brush our teeth together. She never complains about what I made for breakfast and she advocates for carefully brushing for four minutes. That’s two minutes longer than dentists recommend. She also never gets toothpaste all over the sink or on her pristine white shirt.

We love to push the cart together. No one gets their ankle run over ever. And there’s NEVER any whining about wanting to buy a sugar-filled cereal. And we are perfectly behaved—no meltdown in aisle four.

Here’s me holding up my child while we cook in my perfectly sterile kitchen. We both just signed modelling contracts and I’m not fussed that she no longer wants to cook even though this was her idea. And she is totally going to eat this salad and not beg for those cookies.

Putting my child to bed is such a dream. We toss our hair and giggle about the latest Shopkin series. There is never a power struggle and pfft, what even is stalling? She doesn’t need a glass of water, just one more story, another trip to the bathroom or suddenly have a stomach ache that requires twenty minutes of tummy rubbing. That doesn’t happen here.

This guy knows what’s up. Always teach your children to urinate in public and also, when possible, on electric fences. 

Here we are on our family road trip. My husband and I didn’t yell at each other about who forgot to pack what, directions or whether or not we should drive for another hour or call it a night now. I even remembered all of our shades. Our son doesn’t ask when we’ll be there because he has it programmed into his tablet’s high-tech GPS system (which, we obviously manage because #screentime).

Oh, here’s our family running errands together. We always look so great that random strangers often take our photo as we schlep bags with the sun gently setting in our wake. Our daughter is also always super-thrilled to shop. We don’t even have to bribe her with a treat. No whining here.

What, you mean you don’t put a tiara on yourself, your baby and your partner while breastfeeding? You’re really missing out. 

Everyone said having a baby would interfere with my schedule and ability to work out. Those people don’t know sh*t because my baby is actually the best weight I’ve ever used for toning my glutes. #legday

Every morning is such a joy. So happy to have the baby in the bed with us because he refuses to sleep in his $8000 crib with built-in sound system and rocker. We haven’t had sex in three months. We haven’t slept since this kid was born. AND I’M NOT MAD. 

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