How to manage your baby or toddler's sleep schedule over the holidays

When Karina Sadu’s daughter was two and a half, she took her to a big family dinner at her sister’s house. Little Marcela had missed her nap, staying up during the two-hour car ride there, but Sadu thought it was going well. That is, until she looked over and saw Marcela nodding off, about to face plant into her mashed potatoes.“I caught her head in my hand just before it went down. She even had a little bit of mashed potato on her cheek and nose,” she says. “I picked her up and gently put her down on the carpet under the table, and she slept at our feet for hours while we ate our dinner.” It doesn’t always happen so dramatically, but holiday events often clash with kids’ sleep routines. And it can be hard to know what to prioritize. After all, it’s important for kids to have quality time with their extended family. “A little bit of indulgence once in a while, with the goal of delighting the child or allowing the child to connect with people or a family tradition—that’s great. That’s as important as your routine,” says Jillian Roberts, a child psychologist and author based in Victoria. She’s also a co-founder of FamilySparks, an organization that provides mental health services for families. Many parents, like Sadu, live by this philosophy. Samantha Halvorson, a 35-year-old mom in Calgary, says her kids, who are three and one, often hang out with extended family past their bedtimes. She changes her kids into their PJs and encourages them to come for snuggles if they get tired before leaving for the 20-minute drive back home. “We are a close family, and I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents and great- grandparents. To me, that’s way more important than our schedule,” she says. Other parents find it’s more difficult. Before I had my first kid, I believed I would never be “that kind of mom,” the Type A parent choosing a rigid schedule over more family time. But in reality, our toddler tantrummed if he was kept up past bed time, so we always left early. “If you want a really good visit, come by our house at 5:30 in the morning,” we used to joke. “He’s really happy then. We’ll make you pancakes!” It was hard not to feel like I had failed at my pre-kid goals of being a chill parent. But Roberts says catering to the needs of young children is correct—and often unavoidable—and that includes honouring their sleep schedules. “With toddlers and very little children, I would give new parents complete permission to follow the needs of their children without question,” she says. No matter what your occasionally judgmental relative might think (or say). Prioritizing what you and your children need can be especially hard when you’re trying to sync up multiple families’ schedules during a stressful holiday season. Some relatives probably don’t understand that there are actual consequences to deviating from the usual nap schedule. They might not remember their own sleep struggles as young parents, and they don’t truly get how hard you’ve worked to develop a decent sleep routine, which is why you’re so worried about sliding back into bad habits (and having to deal with the sleep deprivation).

“I’ve had clients call me up almost crying, saying, ‘I don’t want to go on this trip,’” says Alanna McGinn, founder of the Good Night Sleep Site, a sleep consultant network. “Most of the parents aren’t worried about the child sleeping. They’re concerned with how others will make them feel because of what they do to ensure their child continues to sleep well.”

Follow the 80/20 rule

As a compromise, McGinn advises parents of young kids to adopt the 80/20 rule. “Try to stick to your kids’ routine 80 percent of the time, and then if the nap is missed or their bedtime is later 20 percent of the time, it shouldn’t be a huge issue,” she says. That might mean having a policy that you only let your schedule slide for special occasions—and not for too many days in a row. “If grandparents are visiting and you have a great big family gathering, you can allow your child to stay up late,” suggests Roberts. “But if it’s the next day and the grandparents want the child to stay up late again, then you can put your foot down.” If your kid still naps during the day, you might focus on getting in a solid daytime sleep when you know bedtime will be later. For a baby on a two- or three-nap schedule, the first nap of the day is the one to prioritize, says Janey Reilly, the CEO of WeeSleep, a Toronto-based sleep consulting company. “The morning nap is usually the longest and strongest nap of the day, so if they’ve had a good start to the day, they’re more apt to be able to handle a nap on the go later, or bedtime being a little bit later.” That might mean doing the first nap at home and then driving to the party around the time of the second nap, so your baby or toddler can sleep in the car on the way. Or it might be best to arrive early and set up a Pack ’n Play or travel crib in another room for naptime. Try to keep their sleep habits as similar to home as possible: a familiar travel crib, a sleep sack, a beloved stuffed animal (if they’re old enough to have a stuffie in the crib) and, most important, a white noise machine to drown out any party sounds from down the hall. A dark room that’s far from the festivities is ideal. (A large closet with the door cracked open can be a great option.) If you’ve already sleep trained your baby, don’t nurse them down or rock them to sleep on vacation or while staying somewhere new. If they fall asleep independently at home, they should be able to do so at a different house too, provided they have a quiet room and a few extra minutes of wind-down time. (And yes, that might mean letting them cry in their crib for five minutes while you sit in the living room, enduring withering looks from Grandma, who’s itching to go scoop up that baby.) If you do revert to old habits, like nursing or rocking the baby to sleep, you might have to spend a few nights re-sleep training your child when you return from your trip, but don’t worry about it too much. (It’s quite common, especially if there’s been a time-zone change during your travels.)

Enlist help

If there’s no chance your baby or toddler will nap alone in an unfamiliar bedroom, you can go to Plan B: Try a stroller walk or carrier nap instead. Sometimes leaving a bustling, boisterous house during the holidays and getting a little fresh air can be therapeutic for both you and the baby. If nosey Great Aunt Nancy has been chiming in with opinions on your parenting, ask her to help out. Maybe she’d love to take the baby on a long stroller nap around the neighbourhood, weather-permitting.

Take a breather

Remember that even little kids who don’t nap anymore can benefit from a block of midday downtime during or before a big event. “Kids under six often get overstimulated, and they don’t know it,” says Jennifer Kolari, a child and family therapist. “There’s a lot going on, and they get anxious,” she says. The chaos and excitement of big gatherings and multiple present-opening sessions can leave kids cruising on adrenaline and sugar highs, and then crashing at the end of the day. Finding some time to retreat to a room and read for a little bit, or going for a walk with just your immediate family can help them regroup and stay regulated later.