Self-Care Sunday with Allison: The Summer Solstice and Setting Boundaries

Hello friends, and welcome here!

For those in the northern hemisphere, the Summer Solstice has just passed. The solstice is a shift that heralds in the energy of summer, which is all about light–lightness of spirit and body, finding joy and ease every day, literally being in the sunlight and the longer days. It’s a special time for me as I connect with the energy of this particular time of year. I feel the most myself around now, perhaps partly because my birthday is June 24th.

This week, I’ve been reminded in my own life of how life is truly a paradox. Even when there is so much joy and gratitude to be found, there is still the challenge of being human–being in a body, a job, a family, a friendship, and all that comes with navigating those circumstances.

So, this month’s Self-Care Sunday practice is going to be centred around that paradox—self-care is all about finding joy and ease wherever you can and also finding out what boundaries you need to put in place to protect your peace–which, in turn, is, of course, what allows you to connect with and recognize joy and ease more freely.

Putting boundaries in place

Boundaries are a very buzzy word right now. In popular psychology, especially, it’s a word that has become overused, misunderstood, and even weaponized against the boundary setter (which is why the boundary had to be set first). Boundaries are most simply and easily defined as “limits we set with other people to indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behaviour. In other words, these limits are a way to take care of ourselves.”

I think it gets tricky when the boundaries are moveable targets; they are soft lines as opposed to rigid walls and are under constant negotiation and reevaluation based on our growth and tolerance, as well as the growth and tolerance of others. And yet, what I know to be true is that boundaries can be the very thing, the very tool that keeps you safe, that helps you to move forward out of toxic patterns or abusive relationships. As tricky as they are to establish, maintain, and negotiate, they are essential to self-care.

I thought I had done a pretty good job setting up certain boundaries with my parents to ensure I could maintain a relationship with them in adulthood and have them continue to be present in my children’s lives until a recent family event that showed me that I hadn’t. Or, perhaps better said, I still had a lot of work to do in figuring out how to clearly express and then uphold what I was and was not willing to endure and allow in my life.

This is not uncommon when you’ve grown up as a child in volatile or toxic environments because you become hardwired as a child to keep the peace, to make sure that everyone else is happy before you consider whether you yourself are even happy. Because if everyone else is happy, that means you are safe.

Finding the light in the dark

As this family event coincided with the Summer Solstice and my birthday, I felt I was truly torn in two. On the one hand, I felt light, energized, happy, grateful and at ease with where I was with my life and my little circle of family and friends. On the other hand, I felt the old, familiar tight squeeze in my chest, realizing that I was still here–in this same place I’d been since I was a child, getting hurt by the behaviour and choices of people who were meant to protect me–still trying to figure out how to protect myself without completely cutting off contact.

One day, while on a walk, I realized that as painful as it is, this is the work. It is the business of being human, of being alive–navigating the dark and the light, sometimes simultaneously, and remembering that you cannot find the light without the willingness to sit in the dark. Or, to paraphrase Leonard Cohen at the risk of sounding trite: The cracks are where the light gets in.

While on this walk, I realized that I need to offer myself the kindness and grace that I would to a friend–that being 41 and still having not quite figured out the most significant attachment relationships of my formative years was nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, just having the awareness that I need to do more work and healing is a huge step.

This time around, as I step once more into a new phase of deep personal healing and (hopefully) the growth and evolution of my place within my family of origin, as well as recognizing that my essence, and my truest desire, is to find joy, ease, and peace, I can be grateful that at the very least I’m able to hold the truth of both of these opposing forces within me. Both can exist, and I am strong and brave enough not to let myself numb out and not be pulled down so deep that the pit is too hard to climb. It’s a dance, but a sacred one that I know can shift everything if I am willing to do it.

Sharing my truth

As I offer up this piece of my own experience, the thing that gives me the purpose and also the vulnerability to share my truth is knowing that we are all going through our journey, our pain, and finding out that we are not alone on this path can be the most healing part of all. That there are others who have gone before us who can hold a light up to show the way, or on the flip side, to know that our experiences–challenging as they may be–are not in vain if they can help one other purpose to feel a sense of being seen.

So, dear readers (I’ve been watching too much Bridgerton, clearly), I invite you into this month’s self-care practice: Truly find a way to know yourself, both the dark and the light. Find out what it is you need to feel safe, loved, and held in the world. And then find a way to figure out how to ask for it. Do it for yourself, do it for your children and your friends. Be the cycle breaker so you might go out into the world over these coming summer months with greater joy and ease. So that you might feel the sun on your face and really take in that light.

If this speaks to you, then I offer you these practices that have supported me over the last couple of weeks in hopes that they meet you where you’re at.

Self-Inquiry Writing Prompts

This, as you know by now, is my most recommended practice of self-care–to write down whatever comes up through your heart and to let that out on paper so that it can be released from going unsaid or unacknowledged:

What do I need to do to feel safe in my body?

Where have I had to compromise my well-being due to the limitations of others? 

What is one step I can take to honour myself while acknowledging that everyone is doing their best (despite how much it might not seem like enough sometimes)?

Meditation for Cord Cutting

Cord cutting can be deep healing work, but it can also bring up much emotion. This meditation by Nicky Sutton is a helpful practice to consider if you are ready to energetically let go of a relationship or unhelpful situation.

Yoga Practice for Joy and Optimism

Even as you’re digging into the shadow parts, it’s very important to make space and remind yourself that life is good in big and small ways. Affirmations are super helpful with this, and when paired with yoga, they’re a foolproof recipe for feeling even 10% better.

If you would like to connect with me and follow along as I learn, heal, grow, and offer practices and writings to support you, you can sign up for my newsletter, Subrosa, at allisonmcdonaldace.com or find me on social media.

Until next time, be well.

Allison