What is Peaceful Parenting and How Does it Work?

Peaceful parenting (often called conscious or gentle parenting ) has been growing in popularity over the last decade. But what is it exactly? And does it work?

In my 24 years of parenting and my 12 years of coaching parents, I have seen time and again that peaceful parenting is the way to raise kids who have good character, are hard-working, kind and independent, and who want to spend time with you after they grow up and move out.

But don’t take my word for it.

The research behind peaceful parenting

The research on different parenting styles consistently shows better outcomes for kids raised with authoritative (peaceful) parenting. It shows that peaceful parenting “fosters confidence, responsibility and self-regulation in children.” Kids raised by authoritative parents have higher self-esteem, can manage negative emotions more effectively and do better in school, academically and behaviorally.

Kids raised with authoritarian (fear- and consequence-based conventional parenting) have higher levels of aggression, shyness, “social ineptitude” and self-drive. They also struggle with anger management, decision making and low self-esteem. As they get older, they often rebel against their parents. There is also research showing that kids raised with authoritarian parenting are more at risk of developing substance use disorder and eating disorders.

Debunking myths about peaceful parenting

But still—we’ve all seen the memes that show weak, exhausted parents and out-of-control kids. You’d be forgiven for thinking that this approach isn’t for you. The truth is that many social media influencers and their detractors do not understand what peaceful parenting actually is.

In the conventional parenting model, parents' needs and preferences are the priority and kids' needs come next. Many critics of peaceful parenting seem to think it means that we have flipped this hierarchy and that the needs and preferences of children are centred, to the detriment of parental well-being and social norms.

The actual change is that we’ve ditched the hierarchy. Does this mean that kids get to do whatever they want? No. The goal of peaceful parenting is to create a respectful, trusting relationship with the parent as a guide and to use collaboration and teamwork to meet everyone’s needs.

Peaceful parenting in action

Let’s take a closer look at peaceful parenting in action.

The scenario

You’ve hired a neighbourhood teenager, Billy, to play basketball with your high-energy six-year-old who loves the sport. You don’t need childcare, you just thought it would be fun for your child. Plus it could be a chance for them to connect with a cool older kid and pick up a few skills.

Instead of listening to the teenager or participating, your child alternately runs away, lies down in the driveway, makes faces, laughs and calls out silly things. No basketball and no listening. You’re horrifically embarrassed by their behaviour and angry that they are wasting your money by goofing off.

You wait 15 minutes to see if they’ll settle down but they don’t. What do you do?

Conventional parenting approach

The old-school approach would be to march outside, call them over and start shouting. You might threaten no more basketball with the teenager and no screen time for the rest of the day unless they shape up.

Permissive parenting approach

The permissive approach would be to hide in the house until the time is up and hope the teen doesn’t tell their parents how your child behaved. Maybe next time your child will be better.

Peaceful parenting approach

The first big idea of peaceful parenting is to regulate our own emotions. If we are upset, we can’t be effective and our child has no “anchor” to regulate their emotions. Plus, yelling scares our children and hurts our relationship with them.

Step 1: Self-regulation

Before you rush outside, stop-drop-breathe. Stop what you're doing, drop your agenda by resisting the urge to run out and make all sorts of threats, and take a deep breath.

Give yourself a minute to calm down and give yourself a little pep talk. Of course, this is embarrassing! Anyone in your situation would feel the same way. At the same time, tell yourself that this is not an emergency.

Step 2: Connection and curiosity

After you’ve calmed yourself down, head outside and get curious.

In moments of discipline (which actually means to teach, not to punish) being mindful of our attitude is key. Kids want to be good. If kids act out of alignment with what we expect, there is a reason. Giving our kids the benefit of the doubt and trying to understand the situation from their perspective is key to building a respectful and connected relationship.

Interrupt the session in a friendly way. “Hey, kiddo. Looks like you’re having a fun time with Billy. And at the same time, not a lot of basketball is happening and I’m wondering if Billy is feeling frustrated! What’s up?”

Step 3: Collaboration and teamwork

The third big idea of peaceful parenting is collaboration and teamwork rather than punishment or threats to solve problems. As parents and caregivers, we have expectations for our children's behaviour. Often, there is a gap between our expectations and the reality of the situation.

A good guideline is to look at health or safety issues, our values and bandwidth: “Is this dangerous or hurtful? Does this go against our family values? Is this something I can be flexible about?”

This situation could be one in which you let go of your expectations. Maybe your child and Billy are having fun and playing basketball is too much structure, and just goofing off is okay. However, we want to check in with Billy to make sure they are not overwhelmed.

If Billy is fine and everyone is having fun? You can go back inside.

If Billy is feeling overwhelmed and you know your kid really does want to play basketball? Help them settle down and refocus on the goals of the session.

Have a friendly conversation with your child about being considerate and listening to Billy. Be sure to get their buy-in: Would they like another chance? Support might also look like you staying outside to help your child stay on track.

The impact of peaceful parenting

If it works? Your child has learned many powerful lessons: Staying calm, emotional regulation, problem-solving and considering others’ feelings.

If it’s not working and Billy isn’t having fun? You may have to end the session and try again another time. There is no need to be harsh or mean. Even if it hasn’t “worked,” your child has still learned all the lessons above.

Your child might be disappointed and upset. That’s okay! When we welcome our child’s feelings, they become more emotionally resilient. They learn they can handle anything.

Is peaceful parenting worth the effort?

You might be thinking that this sounds like a lot of work. It would be easier to threaten no screens for the rest of the day and get good behaviour.

Peaceful parenting IS a lot of work. We have to pay attention to our feelings and calm ourselves when our kids act out. It requires us to be respectful and mindful of how we treat our children. And that's especially tough when we were raised with, “Do what you’re told. I’m the boss.”

It requires us to make time for connection when we have a zillion other things to do. It requires us to be flexible and creative and takes a lot of energy when our child isn’t doing what we want them to.

Why punishments don't work in peaceful parenting

Back to the driveway. It’s possible your child would have shaped up if you threatened no screens.

But the lessons children learn from consequences are why we don’t use consequences in peaceful parenting. Your child would have learned that not being considerate of others means bad things happen to them, instead of considering how their actions affect others.

Over time, this trains kids to ask, “Why should I do or not do something? What’s in it for me?” What we want kids to think is, “I shouldn’t do it because it’s hurtful to other people” instead of, “I shouldn’t do this wrong thing because I’ll get in trouble.”

If their main concern is “getting in trouble,” they learn to sneak and lie so they don't get caught. We want kids to internalize the right thing to do even when no one is looking.

The consequences of consequences

And if kids know they’ll be punished when they do something bad or make a mistake? They will try to hide their mistakes instead of coming to us. This might not seem like a big deal when kids are small and the mistake is a broken vase.

But when kids are older and the mistake is being stranded at a party with no safe ride home? The outcome of them not coming to us with their problem could be life-altering.

Another lesson they learn from consequences is that someone they love is willing to cause them a measure of pain to teach them a lesson. Not only is this unnecessary—kids can learn without being made to feel bad—but it hurts your relationship with your child. Imagine putting this into action at work. If your boss made you stay late and docked your pay, that wouldn’t make you do better next time but it probably would make you start looking for another job.

Further, in taking away screens to get good behaviour, you’ve also only reacted to the symptom of the misbehaviour without actually trying to figure out what was happening and why. Not only does this hamper growth and learning for your child, but it sends the message, “You have a problem but I don’t care what it is or why you have it.”

It’s also possible that the threat of losing screens for the day won’t even “work.” If your child is especially strong-willed, threats can backfire because your child doesn’t want to be controlled. Or your child is so far gone from excitement (or upset in another situation) that their “thinking brain” has gone offline and they have no impulse control and cannot manage themselves no matter what you threaten.

The long game of peaceful parenting

The big ideas of peaceful parenting include regulating our emotions, focusing on the parent-child relationship and using a collaborative approach with lots of support. If we are reasonably consistent—perfection is neither attainable nor our goal—our kids will grow into the emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted, caring and independent people we hope they’ll be one day.

Can the path to get there be messy and a lot of work? Yes! Children’s brains are still developing. They can be unpredictable, perplexing creatures. Stick with the journey. Peaceful parenting is a long game, not the play-offs. It’s worth it!