5 Things You Can Do to Make Your Kid More Independent

As parents, we can all agree that teaching our kids independence is important for long-term development. Of course, we want our kids to grow up to be responsible and self-sufficient. So why is it so hard to let go?

“There is a natural instinct to protect children from sadness, failure and disappointment,” says Joanna Seidel, a child and family therapist and founder and clinical director of Toronto Family Therapy. But kids must be challenged to develop the grit, self-reliance and skills they will need to be fully independent someday.

Fortunately, there are lots of small, simple things you can do every day to help your child learn independence.

Promote self-care skills

“Allowing children to brush their teeth by themselves is a great place to start,” says Seidel. Young kids can also be empowered to choose their clothing for school, get themselves dressed and brush their hair. They can also help to wash themselves in the bath or shower. “These are wonderful things for little kids to get used to doing for themselves,” she says.

Straightforward household chores are another way to give kids manageable responsibilities. A two-year-old can help to pull laundry out of the dryer, for example, while an eight-year-old can help you fold clothes and put them away. Children may also enjoy running the vacuum, unloading the dishwasher and making their bed. Some kids enjoy helping in the kitchen too, and from a young age can assist with washing vegetables or tearing lettuce for a salad, for example. Older children can set the table while tweens can work up to baking desserts or even preparing entire meals with minimal assistance from Mom and Dad.

These situations create small struggles that turn into big-feeling successes for kids. “When you give them the space to do it for themselves, you’ll find that children can be quite capable,” says Seide

Offer choices and freedoms (within limits)

Kids of all ages crave decision-making opportunities and allowing them to make choices is an important way to empower them, build confidence and instill a sense of responsibility. When they are very small, the choice might be what they will take in their school lunch or what to watch on family movie night. Keep in mind that kids can get overwhelmed if they have too many options, so it’s helpful to provide a few choices and allow them to decide.

Older kids and tweens want freedom, and there are many ways to give it to them within safe parameters. One option is walking alone to school or the bus stop (after you’ve reviewed the route and safety rules together). Your child might be interested in taking the Red Cross babysitting course (often offered to kids in grade six) to set the stage for taking on more responsibility if they are interested in minding younger kids in the neighbourhood, for example.

Says Seidel, if we allow children the space to make simple choices with minimal possible negative consequences and slowly take on more responsibilities, this can build into confident decision-making skills as they grow up.

Let them experience natural consequences

As kids get older, we need to let go more and allow them to take on new tasks and responsibilities that come with bigger risks, knowing that they won’t always succeed. They might also question whether they can handle it, and that’s alright. “Allowing children to feel anxious or scared or stressed out is important because those are feelings that we have to learn to live with,” says Seidel. They might spill the jug of milk, burn the cookies, or fail a math test because you didn’t remind them to study—and that’s all ok. Kids have to be able to fail now and then. “It’s about creating a non-judgemental environment as they try to problem solve the mistakes they made and not stepping in to do it for them,” says Seidel. Because children will find solutions, and this will increase their self-confidence. “Being able to problem solve is one of the most essential skills,” she says. And it’s a building block to independence.

Avoid over-correcting

It’s tempting to tie their shoes, look up the source they need for a book report, or clean up a mess for them—especially when we’re in a hurry. “As parents, we often feel rushed, and at times it can seem easier to do things ourselves,” says Seidel. But speed and perfectionism aren’t the point. The goal is to empower little ones to take responsibility and do things on their own. “We need to give children the space to make mistakes because mistakes are life lessons,” she says.

Foster a growth mindset

Normalizing failure is huge. “Children have to be allowed to do things for themselves and achieve either success or failure, but either way be given the space to make mistakes,” says Seidel. And then, to learn from them.

A growth mindset (a concept devised by Standford psychologist Carol Dweck) is the belief that we can all learn, practice, and improve with effort over time. With children, sometimes this concept is described as “the power of yet.” This is a way to reframe skills we are working on with success in mind. A child might think, I can’t pack my lunch all by myself yet, but soon I will. 

“If you are put in a situation at a young age where you experience disappointment and failure and sadness and nobody corrects it or cleans it up for you, as an adult when you have those feelings, you also know that they are temporary,” says Seidel. “And that is powerful.”