Everything parents need to know about this popular approach to raising children.
While there are four main parenting styles, an additional style has taken the spotlight in the last few years. And not always for the best reasons.
Gentle parenting, according to Siobhan Chirico, a registered psychotherapist, "is about understanding the why behind your child's behaviour and emotions. It differs from the more 'tough love' parenting styles of the '70s and '80s, where kids' feelings were not often considered. Teaching kids to recognize and name emotions will help them develop into emotionally intelligent and secure adults."
However, gentle parenting is often misunderstood. Many parents think it means a lack of discipline and setting boundaries when, in actuality, it emphasizes empathy, respect, and understanding. Here's how to bring elements of this parenting style into your everyday life.
Haley DeSousa, M.Ed., head of curriculum and instruction at Haven, a workspace for working parents, says that gentle parenting has several key characteristics.
"Gentle parenting emphasizes building strong and respectful relationships between the child and parent," she explains. "At its core, gentle parenting treats children as individuals with their own emotions and perspectives, deserving of respect and validation."
Gentle parenting has grown in popularity in recent years. DeSousa says this is because of a broader cultural shift in how we think about raising children.
"Many parents are turning away from traditional authoritarian methods, which are often associated with fear-based obedience, in favour of approaches that prioritize connection and mutual respect," she observes. "Social media and parenting communities have also played a significant role in spreading awareness about gentle parenting, making its principles more accessible."
Although the term gentle parenting may be new to some people, DeSousa says its roots as a philosophy trace back centuries.
She explains, "As early as the 1700s, philosophers began emphasizing parenting as a role of nurturing rather than control. Gentle parenting also continued to evolve in the early 20th century. In the early 20th century, Maria Montessori reinforced these ideas, highlighting respect for the child and the importance of fostering independence. These concepts evolved through compassionate parenting advocates in the mid-20th century and are now supported by neuroscience, demonstrating the lasting impact of empathy and secure attachments on a child's development."
There are several key characteristics of gentle parenting. The major ones include empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries.
Modelling behaviour, positive reinforcement, encouraging independence and avoiding overprotective behaviours are also part of the gentle parenting philosophy. Here's a little more about each characteristic and why they are important:
One of the key aspects of gentle parenting is the concept of modelling behaviour. Ryanne Mellick, a licensed mental health counsellor and parenting coach, emphasizes this point: "Children are like sponges, absorbing everything around them and constantly observing. As parents, we must model the behaviour we want to see in our children."
Mellick illustrates this concept with a common scenario she encounters in her work with families. "Often, parents express frustration that their child hits or yells when upset with peers. Upon closer examination, we frequently discover that these same parents resort to yelling or spanking when frustrated with their children. This becomes a learned behaviour for the child."
Gentle parenting also encourages the use of positive reinforcement to shape behaviour. Instead of intense disciplinary measures, parents are encouraged to say 'good job' when children exhibit desired behaviours.
However, Mellick warns that it is important to be mindful of how much positive reinforcement you are giving to your child.
She explains, "We do not want to say 'good job' to every single good thing that a child does. This will not help determine the hierarchy of tasks, skills and learning in the future. They may also seek praise for things that many adults, teachers or caregivers would consider typical, such as tying their shoes or packing their snacks for the school day."
Another key aspect of gentle parenting is fostering independence in children. For example, simple tasks like asking a child to 'put on your shoes' are seen as opportunities to encourage self-reliance and decision-making skills, rather than moments for parental control.
Mellick elaborates on this further. "We want to encourage our children to become their own person. Autonomy is a huge part of growing up and gentle parenting allows us to give our children autonomy, even when it can be difficult. Most kids push the limits of their autonomy around two years old when they gain words. As they get older the need for independence grows. The more we can foster that independence, the healthier our kids will be as they grow up."
Gentle parenting stands in contrast to 'helicoptered parenting', where parents excessively hover over their children. While every parent wants their child to stay safe, Mellick says it's important for parents to take a backseat in certain life situations.
She explains, 'Regarding certain aspects, such as sports or other after-school activities, parents can and should take a back seat to the coaches and instructors we pay to teach our kids."
Gentle parenting offers numerous benefits for both children and parents. Mellick says this approach creates a strong parent-child bond based on trust and safety.
She explains, "For children, gentle parenting helps develop emotional regulation skills and build resilience. It provides a safe environment for them to explore their feelings, which can lead to forming healthier relationships in adulthood."
Parents also learn valuable skills from gentle parenting, too. "They become more adept at showing empathy and respect, and gain a deeper understanding of their child's emotions," says Mellick. "This allows them to guide their children in processing feelings in healthy ways."
The long-term advantages of gentle parenting are also significant. "Over time, it leads to stronger parent-child relationships and reduces stress for parents," Mellick notes. "Perhaps most importantly, children raised with gentle parenting techniques tend to develop better emotional intelligence. This sets them up for greater success in adolescence and adulthood."
Gentle parenting has many misconceptions. Many critics think it is too lenient and has no boundaries or discipline.
Other misconceptions, according to Hunter Clarke-Fields, host of The Mindful Mama Podcast and author of "Raising Good Humans," include that gentle parenting leads to spoiled, entitled children and that it’s a modern parenting trend with no evidence or backing.
"These are false," explains Clarke-Fields. "Gentle parenting isn't about being soft or letting kids do whatever they want. When done right, it involves clear rules, dealing with bad behaviour and showing kids how to handle feelings in a good way. This approach is based on studies about how children grow and develop, as well as brain science and psychology."
When practiced correctly, gentle parenting has positive outcomes. But it also faces some criticism.
Clarke-Fields shares, "I think that it can be a lot to learn and can be emotionally draining for parents. There’s a big learning investment in the front end, which can be hard for parents who have demands on them from all sides, but it can pay off as their children get older."
Another valid criticism of this parenting style is the pressure to be perfect. Clarke-Fields, explains, "Social media has amplified the idealized image of gentle parenting, which can leave parents feeling inadequate. Remember, it's not about perfection but about striving for connection, compassion, and growth. Mistakes and messiness are inevitable."
Sheila Wenger, M.Ed., a PCI Certified parent coach, hypnotherapist and a former educator of 17 years, shares how she became a gentle parent.
I was helping my best friend who had just had her second child, so I was visiting her with my six-year-old twins. I was playing on the floor with my friend's three-year-old firstborn. We were doing some of my favourite things—playing physical games like airplane and hide-and-seek while my daughter was taking a bath.
She called for me repeatedly while I was playing with him. "Mom! I need help!" I'd run in..."I don't know how to turn on the water." It was truly the simplest faucet. She only needed to push the handle up, but I showed her how, found the right temperature, and went back to play. A few moments later, "Mom!"
Next, she couldn't get the shampoo open. Next time it was draining the tub. I got frustrated. "I know you know how to do these things. You are acting helpless and you're not helpless. You're a smart girl and I'm trying to help Auntie Jo by playing with Ian while she's with the baby."
My tone was harsh. She began to cry. "Well, you just keep playing with Ian, and I want you," she confessed. Had I read her signals, I could have empathized and cared for her more attentively. Had I asked her if she was feeling lonely, she could have told me. And I could have brought the little boy nearby and given them both some of my time.
Instead, I had snapped at her, my little girl who wanted to feel like I was her mommy. This happened twelve years ago, and I never have forgotten it. It taught me to notice where my anger had come from and recognize it had nothing to do with her. It showed me that children don't purposely try to make our jobs harder, even when it feels like it. It turned me into a gentle parent pretty rapidly.
Bringing gentle parenting practices into your daily life is easier than you may think.
To start, Theresa Bertuzzi, an expert in early childhood education and the chief program development officer, co-owner, and founder of Tiny Hoppers, recommends using techniques, such as active listening, modelling desired behaviours and setting age-appropriate expectations.
"Gentle parenting is about listening and validating your kid's emotions and feelings," she says. "When you listen and acknowledge their feelings, it helps kids feel understood. Modelling behaviour (like reacting calmly instead of yelling) teaches kids how to manage emotions and interact respectfully with others."
Bertuzzi also says it's important for parents to set boundaries while practicing gentle parenting. "A gentle approach to parenting doesn’t mean permissive," she explains. "Everybody’s needs are valid in the family—including the parents! If a child’s behaviour is interfering with parents’ needs—like the need to have bodily autonomy, some quiet time and a relatively clean house, for instance—then these are places where parents need to set a boundary."
To handle tantrums or defiance, Clarke-Fields recommends that parents try out a 'yelling fast.' She explains, "As parents, we need to show our kids how to handle emotions, not just tell them to calm down. When we focus on managing our own feelings, it can benefit the whole family. Many parents find that their children's behaviour improves simply because they stop yelling."
While gentle parenting benefits parents and kids, Bertuzzi says that this parenting approach doesn't work for every family.
"Gentle parenting is a great approach, but every family is unique," she explains. "Gentle parenting requires patience and consistency, which can be challenging for some families. This is especially true for those with many children, diverse personalities, or limited resources. Not to mention that it is hard to follow any single parenting style perfectly."
Instead, Bertuzzi says it's crucial to set realistic expectations and remember that mistakes are okay. She adds, "Don't worry if the method doesn't suit your family. But if it does work, try not to let others talk you out of it."
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Courtney Leiva has over 11 years of experience producing content for numerous digital mediums, including features, breaking news stories, e-commerce buying guides, trends, and evergreen pieces. Her articles have been featured in HuffPost, Buzzfeed, PEOPLE, and more.