These Tips Will Get Your Kids to Actually Listen to You

While modern parenting books offer valuable insights, don't overlook the timeless wisdom found in classic titles. A shining example is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. First published in 1980, this book remains remarkably relevant even after nearly 45 years.

Its success led to updated versions of the book written by Faber's daughter Joanna in 2017 and 2021. The book's ideas, such as listening to children and respecting their feelings, align with the parenting styles many millennial parents embrace today.

Jillian Amodio, LMSW, a licensed master social worker and founder of Moms For Mental Health, highly recommends this parenting book. She praises its focus on compassion, understanding, and empowerment. She believes it effectively teaches adults how to communicate more effectively with children.

"The book is deeply rooted in empathy," Amodio explains. "It encourages active listening and promotes healthy adult-child relationships built on mutual respect. The main lessons focus on understanding and acknowledging a child's perspective, validating their feelings, and collaboratively working towards solutions."

Here's how to implement some of these strategies with your kids.

Why active listening is the foundation of effective communication

Caitlin Slavens, a registered psychologist, explains that active listening means fully focusing on the person speaking to you.

To practice active listening, Slavens advises giving the speaker your full attention. "Turn off the TV, put down your phone, and make eye contact," she suggests. Show you’ve been listening by using phrases like, “It sounds like you’re feeling…” or “Let me make sure I understand.” Then, repeat or rephrase what they said.

Slavens suggests asking open-ended questions, which shows curiosity and concern. "Also validate and acknowledge their emotions without dismissing or judging them and avoid jumping in and solving the problem or offering advice right away."

Validate your child's emotions

Acknowledging children's feelings is crucial for several reasons. Dr. Emily Levy, founder and director of EBL Coaching, emphasizes the importance of listening and validating your child's feelings. "By doing so, you're sending the message that you hear them and that their thoughts matter," she explains. "When parents acknowledge and validate their child's feelings, it helps the child build a positive self-image and stronger self-esteem."

Even if you don’t agree with your child’s actions, try to understand their perspective and show empathy. Saying "I can see why that would make you feel that way," or "Wow. That must have been tough," can go a long way.

If questionable behaviour was at play, you can still follow up after and discuss better options for next time. Empathizing first will make your kid more open to your suggestions.

Use descriptive praise to encourage positive behaviour

Dr. Zishan Khan, a board-certified psychiatrist explains that descriptive praise is a powerful form of positive reinforcement.

"Specific and detailed praise has a stronger impact and is more likely to encourage positive behaviour changes," Dr. Khan notes. For example, "When a child washes their plate and silverware, dries them and puts them away, saying 'good job' is fine. However, saying, "Great work on cleaning up and putting away the dishes!" makes a stronger impression and can motivate the child to repeat the behaviour in the future.

Offer choices to empower children and reduce conflict

Dr. Maya Weir, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Thriving California, emphasizes the many benefits of giving kids choices. "When we give children options, they feel empowered and autonomous, which can reduce behaviours parents find challenging," she explains. "On an emotional and psychological level, this sense of control helps children thrive, making them more receptive and cooperative with adults."

However, Weir cautions against overwhelming children with too many options. "It's best to avoid open-ended questions and instead offer two clear choices," she advises. Weir offers practical examples: "Ask, 'Would you like an apple or a banana?' or use yes/no questions like, 'Do you want to go to the park?'"

"For non-negotiable situations, focus the choice on a related aspect. For instance, if a park visit is necessary, you might say, 'We need to go to the park now. Would you like to bring your toy car or your stuffed animal?'." While this may seem like adding unnecessary options, it's a small way to empower your child and will likely make them more agreeable.

Problem-solve together to foster independence and critical thinking

"When children actively participate in problem-solving, they feel more valued, capable and confident," says Khan. "This involvement gives them a sense of ownership over both the process and the outcome. Collaborating on solutions also creates a partnership that strengthens family bonds, improves communication and deepens the emotional connection between parent and child."

To problem-solve effectively, Khan recommends following any of the steps below:

• Acknowledge the child's feelings: "Start by recognizing and validating your child's emotions," explains Khan. "This shows empathy and helps the child feel understood."
• Describe the problem: When describing a problem, Khan recommends stating it in a neutral, non-blaming tone. "This helps everyone focus on the issue rather than getting caught up in emotions or becoming defensive," he says.
•  Invite the child to brainstorm solutions: "Encourage your child to come up with ideas for how to solve the problem," suggests Khan. "This promotes creativity and gives them a sense of agency and ownership."
• Evaluate the solutions: As you evaluate solutions together, Khan suggests reviewing the options and discussing the pros and cons of each.
• Choose a solution: "Begin to decide on the best solution together after reviewing the various options," Khan recommends. "If appropriate, let the child take the lead in selecting the solution."
• Follow through and review: Finally, implement the solution and, if necessary, follow up later to see how it worked. "If the solution wasn't effective, discuss what might need to change and try again," Khan advises.

Adapting Communication Strategies for Different Age Groups

Adapting your communication style to different age groups is important, as toddlers, school-age children, and teenagers have different levels of understanding and interests. Here's how you can tailor your approach:

Toddlers and preschoolers

Slavens emphasizes simplicity and connection at this stage. "Get down on their level, use eye contact, and keep sentences short and clear," she advises. "Instead of saying, 'You need to clean up your toys and put your markers in the bucket,' try 'Let's put the blocks in the bin.' Children are more likely to engage when the message is concise and paired with action."

School-age kids

Slavens notes that children in this age group start to understand cause and effect, making it a great time to involve them in discussions about rules and expectations.

"When explaining the 'why' behind something, keep it concise and age-appropriate," she advises. "Foster problem-solving skills by asking open-ended questions such as, 'What do you think we can do about this?'"

She also stresses the importance of treating children with respect. "Kids are perceptive and can sense when they're not being taken seriously," Slavens cautions. "It's crucial to avoid talking down to them.

Teenagers

Slavens says that teens value respect and autonomy, so it's best to talk to them like the young adults they are. To build trust, she suggests sharing some of your own experiences, making conversations feel more balanced. For instance, you might open up about a challenge you faced during your own teenage years, inviting a more open dialogue.

However, Slavens cautions against dismissing their feelings or slipping into lecture mode. "It's a surefire way to have your teen shut down and not listen to what you are trying to say," she explains. "Instead, try active listening and asking open-ended questions to show you value their perspective. "The key is to foster open dialogue while respecting their growing independence."

Common challenges

Kamini Wood, a certified life coach and board-certified wellness coach, acknowledges that challenges such as tantrums, meltdowns, silent treatment, and sibling rivalry are integral to the parenting journey.

While these behaviours can leave parents feeling frustrated, helpless, or angry, Wood emphasizes that these moments present opportunities for growth for both parents and children. Here's how to address these challenges:

Tantrums and meltdowns

To address tantrums and meltdowns effectively, Wood emphasizes that it's important to see these behaviours as expressions of unmet emotional needs, not as attempts at manipulation.

She advises, "When faced with a tantrum or meltdown, first take a step back to assess your own state. Then, ground yourself and remember that your calm presence is your most essential tool.

Stay connected to your child's feelings without reacting from a place of judgment or anger. Set clear boundaries without threatening or yelling. If necessary, offer a 'reset option' by taking a break or moving to a different environment."

Dealing with the silent treatment (stonewalling)

"Stonewalling is when your child shuts down emotionally or refuses to engage in conversation," explains Wood. "This can be frustrating for parents because it feels like rejection, but it's often a defensive response to feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood."

To handle stonewalling, Wood suggests patience and giving your child space rather than pushing for an immediate response. "Sometimes, silence is their way of processing emotions or dealing with an overwhelming situation," she says. "Let them know you understand they're not ready to talk, but you'll be there when they are."

Addressing sibling rivalry

When siblings clash, it's tempting to jump in as a referee and quickly break it up. But Slavens suggests acting more like a coach instead.

She advises, "Teach your children to express their feelings directly. For example, they could say, 'I feel upset when you take my toy without asking.' If things get heated, separate them to cool down before addressing the issue again. Remind them that conflict is normal, but how we handle it is what matters."

Navigating difficult conversations

Whether you're discussing loss, significant life changes, or sensitive topics like body image and peer pressure, Slavens says it is important for parents to create an open and safe space to have difficult conversations with their children.

She advises, "Start simple and let your child guide the depth of the conversation." Questions such as 'What have you heard about this?' or "How do you feel about what's going on?' are effective ways to encourage them to open up."

However, Slavens reassures parents that it's perfectly acceptable to admit when you don't have all the answers, suggesting a response like, "I don't know, but we will figure this out together."

Setting boundaries without guilt

It may be hard to say no to your child sometimes, but Slavens says that setting boundaries is crucial for their emotional growth and well-being.

She explains, "Kids thrive on structure, so clearly communicate expectations in advance. For example, if screen time is limited, state the rule upfront: 'You can watch for 30 minutes, then we'll turn it off.' Stick to this rule consistently, even if there's resistance."

Navigating social and academic pressures

As children grow older, they often face pressure to fit in, excel academically, or meet various expectations. To help them navigate these challenges, Slavens suggests creating a judgment-free environment where kids feel comfortable sharing their concerns and worries.

"In my home, we have a dinner time check-in," she explains. "Each family member shares three things: something positive from their day, a worry or challenge they faced, and something funny that happened. These regular check-ins help both kids and adults feel more connected to each other."

Dealing With parental burnout

Parental stress is increasing, with more parents experiencing burnout than ever before. To tackle this issue, Slavens highlights the importance of spotting early signs and using simple self-care strategies to prevent burnout.

"Warning signs of approaching burnout include feeling overwhelmed, experiencing irritation or anger, and even feeling apathetic," she explains. "To prevent burnout, try simple activities like listening to music or podcasts, taking walks, or attending therapy. These can help you care for yourself while managing your responsibilities."

The long-term benefits of effective communication

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk emphasizes the value of improving communication with your children, which has long-lasting benefits. According to Slavens, children who experience better communication with their parents develop emotional resilience and a sense of security that stays with them into adulthood. She adds, "It also teaches them healthy communication skills they can use in all their relationships—at work, with friends, or in future romantic partnerships."

Effective communication also has positive impacts on child development and self-esteem. "When parents communicate healthily, children understand what it feels like to be heard and respected, even as kids," Slavens adds. "This respect and validation can support positive self-esteem as it shows kids that their thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter and they deserve to be heard."

Finally, better communication often leads to better social and academic outcomes. "Kids with solid parent-child communication tend to perform better academically because they feel supported and are more likely to ask for help when needed," Slavens explains. "Socially, these kids are often more empathetic and confident in their interactions with peers because they’ve seen effective communication modelled at home."

The origins of "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen"

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk was penned by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in 1980. Dr. Dakari Quimby, a clinical psychologist, explains that the authors drew inspiration from their own parenting experiences and their participation in workshops led by child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott. "Their goal was simple: to offer practical, real-world advice on effective communication with children," Quimby explains.

Since hitting the shelves, this book has taken the parenting world by storm. It's not only climbed the New York Times bestseller list but has also found its way into over five million homes. Quimby attributes its popularity to its focus on building open, collaborative parent-child relationships through clear and respectful communication.

"These strategies aim to build open, collaborative relationships between parents and kids, based on clear and respectful communication," he explains. "By offering actionable advice, the book empowers parents to foster stronger connections with their children, promoting both emotional growth and effective dialogue."

Bottom line

Want to improve communication with your kids? How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk is a great guidebook. It teaches parents important lessons about paying attention to their children and respecting their thoughts and feelings.

As you try to apply these teachings, it's important to remember that patience and practice are essential in improving communication with their children.

While this book provides a solid foundation, Levy suggests that other parenting books can complement and expand on these strategies. "These include The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, which teaches strategies for promoting healthy brain development and raising happy children," she says. "Another recommendation is Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, offering parents tools for managing sibling relationships effectively. I also suggest Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields, which provides methods for nurturing confident, kind, and compassionate children."

Experts

• Dr. Emily Levy is the founder and director of EBL Coaching, a specialized tutoring company for students from pre-K through 12th grade.
• Dr. Dakari Quimby is a clinical psychologist with Helpguide Handbook.
• Caitlin Slavens is a registered psychologist, co-founder of MamaPsychologists, and the clinical director of Couples to Cradles Counselling.
• Kamini Wood, CPC, CLC, CPM, is a certified life coach and board-certified wellness coach.
• Dr. Zishan Khan, MD, is a board-certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist with Mindpath Health.
• Dr. Maya Weir is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Thriving California, a therapy business.
• Jillian Amodio, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker and the founder of Moms For Mental Health.