Gentle Parenting Is Out; Hybrid Parenting Is In
Why blending parenting styles works better for most families.
If you’ve ever watched your preschooler happily hurl a carton of strawberries across the grocery store produce aisle and wondered whether the correct response is “gentle” or a demonstration of “real world consequences,” you’re not alone.
These days, probably more than ever, parents are bombarded with information about how to parent and are feeling confused about the right way to raise their kids. “I do think that the parenting industry has thrust parents onto this tricky terrain because they’re at the end of a fire hose of information,” says Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, a registered psychologist and parenting educator. Between TikTok, podcasts, books and well-meaning friends and neighbours, the advice on how to mom and dad better is basically non-stop. “And the more information we consume, the more we’re actually outsourcing or crowdsourcing decisions and the more we step away from being able to hear our truth as parents,” she says.
To make matters worse, ‘gentle parenting,’ the style that’s been touted above all others by both experts and parents for years, has essentially failed many families. Instead of being easier on kids, it has been brutally hard on moms and dads. This has led to a larger trend toward blending parenting styles, focusing on a child’s individual needs, and tapping into parental intuition as a guide.
Why are parents leaving ‘gentle parenting’ behind?
According to one survey, only about 38 percent of Gen Z parents with young kids identify with gentle parenting now. “Perhaps what gentle parenting originally set out to be has differed from what it has become—over-explanation of feelings, lack of structure, exhausting, which has caused many parents to re-evaluate,” says Nicole Shabada, a 37-year-old mom to two daughters, ages 4 and 2.
While emphasizing empathy and respectful communication without harsh punishments is a good thing, there can be definite downsides to gentle parenting. For starters, it requires a high degree of emotional labour from parents as you sit with toddlers during tantrums and attempt to talk through emotional outbursts with preschoolers. One study found that more than a third of “gentle parents” report feelings of burnout.
Many families also found it difficult to define firm boundaries with the soft approach, and this can have enormous impacts for both kids and parents, says Dr. Lapointe. “For some parents, it became really tricky to figure out how to be kind and still be firm where required,” she says. “The problem is that many are not actually gentle parenting, they’re permissive parenting.”
What makes hybrid parenting different?
Research shows that Gen Z parents are creating hybrid approaches to parenting, instead of locking into a prescriptive style like gentle parenting or FAFO (“f--k around and find out” where kids are allowed to experience the natural consequences of their actions).
Many moms and dads are picking and choosing what works for them from all the defined approaches and blending elements to find their own style. “It’s actually helped that we’ve never locked ourselves into one specific parenting label,” says Shabada. “Letting go of rigid rules feels freeing. It shifts parenting away from performance and back towards relationship, which is kind of the whole point.”
According to the first-ever Pinterest Parenting Trend Report, moms and dads are mood-boarding slower, more present approaches to parenting, but paired with kind yet firm discipline. Guiding principles of the hybrid styles still often include a child-led mindset but may focus on other specific goals like healing generational trauma or forming strong emotional bonds.
One popular focus is on not repeating the same problematic issues, like harsh punishments or dismissing children’s ideas, that parents may have experienced themselves as kids. By some estimates, 37 percent of young parents are making ‘cycle-breaking’ central to their parenting approach. “This definitely resonates with me, and not even specific to my own parents—I lucked out with pretty great ones—but my generation is focusing on self-development and healing,” says Shabada.
Feeling free to cherry-pick approaches in different parenting moments allows moms and dads to lean into their intuition. “These hybrid models work because you can step outside of the rigidity of the framework and instead lean into understanding,” says Dr. Lapointe. This fluidity of style also permits us to parent our children differently, depending on what they require as individuals. “We need to be intuitive and responsive to the actual child in front of us, not the scripted one in the book,” she says. In other words, one kid might need to FAFO a little while their big sister responds to deep nurturing and soft boundaries.
How to make a blended parenting style work for you
Being able to throw out the rule book and do what feels right is one of the biggest benefits of a hybrid approach. You can lean into what works from gentle parenting and what your kids seem to respond well to, with cause-and-effect strategies, to create your family’s own template for success. “That’s why the idea of hybrid parenting resonates with me,” says Shabada. “It creates space to ask, what does this child need? What does this moment call for?”
Modern parenting, made easier
Expert tips, stories and support straight to your inbox.
Karen Robock is a writer, editor and mom of two whose work has appeared in dozens of publications in Canada and the U.S., including Prevention, Reader’s Digest, Canadian Living, and The Toronto Star. Once upon a time, Karen was even the managing editor of Today’s Parent. She lives in Toronto with her husband, school-age daughters, and their two dogs.