Why Millennial Parents are Butting Heads with Boomers

When my partner and I decided we wanted to have kids, I knew that I needed to move back to my hometown to live near my parents. I could not imagine raising children without having my mom by my side. She’s a mom of three, so I assumed she knew everything about raising kids.

Pregnant with my first, I imagined that parenting with my mom’s help would bring us closer together. I never expected that it would be our most challenging era yet (and that’s saying a lot considering my tumultuous teen years).

Once my son was born, it didn’t take long to recognize that my mom and I had very different parenting styles. The first disagreement happened when my son was a baby and we went to my parents’ house for dinner.

After taking a few bites of the meal my mom had prepared, my son signed “All done”, and I went to take him out of his high chair. My mom firmly stated, “You can’t leave the table until you finish everything on your plate”. Our relationship only became more complicated as my son grew into a toddler and a sibling entered the picture. As my innocent first baby grew into a two-year-old full of intense emotions, including a strong distaste for his new sibling, I slowly and unknowingly developed a parenting style that differed greatly from that of my parents. This included a focus on using time-ins (when you stay with your child rather than leave them on their own in response to unwanted behaviours) instead of time-outs, which caused great contention during visits from my parents.

Millennial and boomer parenting tension is all too common

Thinking that I couldn’t be the only one dealing with this, I talked with other parents and grandparents. It became clear that my experience was anything but unique. Many, if not all of the millennials and boomers I spoke with, agreed that there has been a notable shift in parenting styles, which has led to tension between the generations.

According to a study from Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago, three out of four millennial parents say that they practice gentle parenting and 73 percent think their parenting style is better than that of past generations. Generally speaking, baby boomers follow a mix of authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles.

Gentle parenting takes on many forms and names, but a common theme among this style of parenting focuses on holding boundaries with a strong emphasis on validation and age-appropriate understanding of emotions. While authoritative and authoritarian parenting are quite different from each other, they both generally view the parent as the authority figure with an emphasis on rewards and consequences for behaviour.

Why did this shift in parenting styles happen?

When asked why millennials parent differently, both generations agreed on three main factors: shifting parental roles, the introduction of the internet and social media, and an increased awareness of mental health.

And the statistics back this up.

• 82 percent of millennial parents work and four out of five prioritize their children over their careers

• 85 percent of millennial parents say that social media sets up unrealistic expectations for parents

• 80 percent of parents surveyed by Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago say that discussions with kids about mental health are important

Amber, a millennial parent, says “All my friends growing up had stay-at-home moms. It was rare to know someone whose mom worked. Today, it’s harder to find families with a stay-at-home parent.” Other parents I spoke to, both millennials and baby boomers, shared a variety of reasons for why more dual-income homes may have led to a shift in parenting styles.

These included:

• External parenting influences (grandparents, daycares, nannies)
• Less time with your kids, therefore a focus and emphasis on increasing positive interactions versus discipline
• Increased parental fatigue and stress from work, therefore, may result in more leniency at home
• Egalitarian parenting tends to be more collaborative overall, resulting in children being more involved in rule-making

Norma, a baby boomer, feels strongly that social media and the introduction of the internet played a pivotal role in the shift in parenting. “Parents today are bombarded with information. When my kids were young, I relied only on the people physically around me for information, tips and tricks. Knowledge is great, but it can also lead to too many influences, making it more confusing for parents.”

When speaking with parents of both generations, it seems like our wired existence has its pros and cons. In general, parents felt today’s generation has more access to expert information as well as access to different communities of parents, both local and abroad.

They also recognized the detriment of comparison culture online, and how this negatively affects parenting choices. And as one parent notes, “You can find expert information for so many different views and perspectives, and with so much information being thrown at you, it can be really hard to recognize and go with your gut or heart.”

In terms of mental health, Alanna, a millennial parent says, “We have recognized that kids are individuals and listening to their needs, especially their emotional needs, is essential to healthy development”. And while baby boomer parents agreed, they also felt that the shift in focusing on child well-being has sometimes been too drastic. As one parent shares, “I agree with the child’s mental health being important, but I also feel that sometimes parents have gone too far to accommodate kids. It sometimes feels like the kids run the show rather than the parents, and I wonder if that will make things much harder later on.”

How to ease generational parenting tension

Rachel Pipher, a Toronto-based social worker, parent and writer who works primarily with kids and their parents, has also recognized this parental style shift in her own life. She recommends three basic exercises that can help parents and grandparents reconnect: listen, repair and play.

These are the fundamentals of a positive relationship for all ages and are often recommended to parents of young children but they work just as well for parents of adult children.

Listen

It seems basic, but something many of us forget to do is to simply listen to each other. With our kids, it is recommended that we get down on their eye level and make an effort to understand their needs in their own words.

This is just as important for adult parent-child relationships. Making sure to take the time to listen to each other, rather than simply agreeing or disagreeing, can go a long way in maintaining a healthy relationship.

I felt strongly about my parenting choices, so I would quickly disregard my mother’s perspective, rather than listening to what she had to say and why she was saying it. Even though each of us may choose to do things differently in the end, a lot of respect and relationship-building can come from simply hearing each other’s parenting philosophies and reasoning.

Repair

Rachel shared that one of the most challenging aspects of this model is repair. With both our children and our parents, it can be difficult to admit when we are wrong, especially when we feel wronged ourselves. With our kids, taking the time to repair the relationship is essential. We all have moments when we are not our best selves, and taking time when the dust has settled to repair by admitting where we went wrong goes a long way.

The same goes for our relationships with our mothers and fathers—or for grandparents' relationships with their adult children. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with each other’s perspectives, but we can still admit that we were wrong.

For my relationship with my mom, I have found that giving each other some space, and then reaching out and owning up to my own mistakes has been key. Recognizing that we both have my kids’ well-being as our goal has been the pillar in moving forward despite differentiating opinions.

Play

Between work and all the tasks we have to do, setting aside time to play with our kids is essential for the maintenance of a healthy relationship.

Playing with our kids seems obvious, but how do we do that as adults? Rachel says that as adults, play means joining the other person’s world to gain a better understanding of their perspective. In my own relationship, my mom took the time to learn more about my neurodivergent son, to understand what his world looks like. We were able to find common ground much faster when we were both working from the same information and understanding.

Having opposing views, especially when it comes to your kids, can be very tricky to navigate, especially when family is involved. The important thing to remember is that the goal of each person, despite differentiating views, is the best interest of the child; even if that means a half-eaten meal is left on the table.