The Unique Grieving Process of Recovering From a Stillbirth

“The baby has no heartbeat.” It’s the words every pregnant mom dreads hearing, and when it’s after the 20-week mark, it’s called a stillbirth. Often, these women continue with the birth process and deliver their babies, which they sometimes say are “born sleeping.” For many, it will be the most devastating moment of their lives. 

While some people might think stillbirths are a thing of the past with modern medicine, in some places like Alberta, they’ve been on the rise. CBC reports that Alberta had 454 stillbirths recorded in 2023, more than any other year since 2005. In Canada in 2022, there were around 9 per 1,000 fetal deaths. According to spring 2024 statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in the U.S., 1 in 175 babies are stillborn.

Stillborn babies typically die due to genetic conditions, fetal anomalies or fetal growth restriction, says OBGYN Dr. Joanne Stone, chair of the Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology and Reproductive Science at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai.

But to the parents experiencing it, it’s far from just a statistic, instead, it marks the beginning of a tough grieving journey. 

“Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents. That’s just not the way life should work,” says Larry Carlat, well-known grief expert and coach at Our House Grief Support Center in Los Angeles. “Losing a child—no matter the circumstances—goes against the natural order of things.” He lost his own son to suicide at age 28 and wrote about the grieving process in A Space in the Heart: A Survival Guide for Grieving Parents (Nov. 19). 

Here’s what he, and other parents and experts, want parents to know about grieving a baby.

Share on your own terms—only when you are ready

No two grieving processes are the same. So, there’s no “right way” to share your grief or the loss of your baby. 

Kailey Clymer, mother of a stillborn son Cayden, shares that social media was a helpful way forward for her. “I was pretty quick to share the news about our loss on Facebook to avoid awkward situations and conversations. Since writing is therapeutic for me, I started a Facebook page titled Stillborn Still Strong, where I chronicled our journey following that terrible routine appointment.” Her page is a place for people to “read, reflect, cry, laugh, remember and relate,” she shares. She found out Cayden died around her 25-week ultrasound, and remembers how isolating it felt.

Listen to what is most helpful for your own grief process

Stone shares that many of her patients want to hold their baby who has passed, and some don’t. Similarly, some name their babies and refer to them by name, and for others, that’s too painful. Her clinic has a bereavement package with a picture, footprints, and other mementos to hold on to. For those who don’t want to hold the baby, they still take pictures in case the parents want them later.

Stone recommends those around the parents simply ask what they would prefer, such as checking if people in their lives should use the baby’s name when referencing them. 

Don’t confuse natural grief with a mental health condition

According to the Star Legacy Foundation, a non-profit organization in Minnesota, working to reduce pregnancy loss and support families, between 60 and 70 percent of grieving mothers experience grief-related depression symptoms in the year following their child’s stillbirth. The foundation also states that for half of the mothers, the depression lasts for four or more years after the stillbirth. 

But, Stone points out, isn’t it normal to be depressed when you lose a child? She cautions against confusing clinical depression with a natural need for psychosocial support.

Stone worked on research with Kathleen Massmann, licensed professional clinical counsellor of the Star Legacy Foundation, about how this type of support and “not necessarily antidepressant medications” should be the norm, and there needs to be “balance.” Stone shares that sometimes providers send women home with preventative antidepressants when it’s a “natural, normal reaction to a loss” to feel depressed.

Advocate for your needs when something doesn’t feel right

Healthcare systems aren’t always designed with the needs of parents experiencing a stillbirth in mind.

“I wish the hospital and women's health/OBGYN system offered more support and general conversations about pregnancy loss. There needs to be more training or support staff in doctor's offices for when a woman is calling to schedule an appointment about a possible pregnancy loss, infertility or follow-up,” Clymer says. She adds that there should also be a designated room or space in the office/hospital labour and delivery unit for loss moms. 

“Everywhere you look are whimsical photos of new, living babies and crying newborns, and it hurts to be surrounded by that when it's not your reality. Right after I learned about my son dying I hid in the bathroom sobbing at the OB office, to then walk through the waiting room filled with pregnant women. I know you can't avoid everything, but we can do better in healthcare.” This is one reason Stone’s Rainbow Clinic has a separate designated waiting area.

Don’t do it alone

It sounds cliche, but this isn’t the journey you want to walk alone. Peer support, family and friends, social workers, therapists and others can help.

“We are part of a close-knit faith community and church that were instrumental in walking us through this low time. One of our pastors and his wife lost twin boys at birth nearly 40 years ago, and came alongside us without even really knowing us that well,” Clymer says. “Support from fellow loss parents hits deeper and feels more comforting than those who (fortunately) haven't experienced it.”

Stone shares that some of her patients have even gone on to mentor other moms going through stillbirth, a potentially cathartic give-back experience.

“Things will trigger you, you'll daydream about your baby, ask questions like 'why?’ or ‘why me?' but just because your baby was born silent, doesn't mean your thoughts and feelings have to be,” Clymer adds.

Though not all employers are the same, she reached out to hers who helped her find extra PTO days to take an extended time off. In Ontario, for example, moms of stillbirths get 12 weeks off (unpaid). But in the United States, Stone says that some parents have to go back to work days after a C-section or birth of a stillborn baby, as Family Medical Leave Act sometimes only includes caring for someone else.

Strength and hope await you

Nothing will ever replace your baby. But Carlat shares some promising things that are awaiting you. “At some point, you’ll discover that the pain can help you heal. The pain gives you strength, like flame hardens steel,” he says. “Whenever you’re having a really bad day, wrap your arms around it and don’t let go. And it doesn’t hurt to also hold on to it on the not-so-bad days as well. Let hope guide you.”

“We went on to have a miscarriage six months after our stillbirth. Today, we are blessed to have four children here with us earthside and a family that consistently acknowledges Cayden,” Clymer shares. “We never truly moved on from that day, but have managed to move forward with the support and understanding from family, friends and our faith.”

What grieving parents and family can do now

Here are some things parents can try as they grieve their baby:

Ask for what you need from family and friends, from meals to everyday tasks, to even a little bit of privacy. Clymer shares that unexpected little gifts made her day during the grieving process.

Give yourself a break. “Your grief deserves your compassion,” Carlat says. “Whatever you’re feeling right now is what you should be feeling right now. There’s no wrong way to feel about losing your child.”

Stop blaming yourself. Stone says this is a tough one for many moms, who think they did something wrong. In reality, it’s hardly ever something they could control. 

Face what scares you the most, Carlat says. He calls it the “scariest grief beast,” whether that be fear of forgetting your child’s face, fear that you’ll never be happy again, or that you’ll be miserable forever. Even fear around remembering the day your child died. “Whatever it is for you right now (and for certain that will change), look it in the eye every couple of days and stay with it for as long as you can. Then do it again in the next few days and see if you can stand it for a few more seconds than you did the day before. You’ll find it gets easier—never easy, but easier—and then one day, the scary grief beast will fade away like a distant childhood memory.”

Don’t take “no” for an answer if you are uncomfortable during the stillbirth process or in a future pregnancy in a healthcare setting. Stone says, “If something is off with your pregnancy, such as changes in your baby’s movement patterns, don’t feel you have to wait until tomorrow. Say, ‘I need to get seen. I need to know if everything is okay.’” This applies to future pregnancies after stillbirth as well, which can be anxiety-inducing.

Honour your child in a meaningful way to you—plant a tree, buy a piece of jewellery, get a tattoo, or create a special ritual around the day they died, their due date or another meaningful day. 

Finally, Stone says you should contact your healthcare provider asap if you have suicidal thoughts, or think you need additional resources, medication or support. People in both the U.S. and Canada can also reach out to the mental health support/suicide hotline at 988.