Is Your Kid Rebelling or Asserting Their Independence?

When my two teenage boys started arguing with me a couple of years ago, I took a deep breath. Sure, it was annoying. But I also knew it was happening right on schedule. After all, self-assertion is a natural part of the path to independence. Here’s the lowdown on why kids resist us and how to handle it.

Don’t worry, it’s normal

Separating from parents is one of the basic tasks of adolescence, explains Stanley Goldstein, PhD, psychologist and author of Parent Sense: Surviving Parenting And Helping You And Your Child Throughout Life. In this process of asserting independence, kids might adopt their own clothing styles, question some of your rules or resist your requests. It’s basically their way of saying, “We are not our parents; we are individuals,” he explains.

Although this behaviour is often frustrating and unpleasant (cue the slamming doors), it’s healthy. “Children who assert themselves are not afraid to voice their opinion and take the initiative,” says Mary Karapetian Alvord, Ph.D., Psychologist and Founder, Alvord, Baker & Associates, LLC, and co-author, The Action Mindset Workbook for Teens. “We want kids to have the self-esteem to say ‘no,’ which helps them make better choices and stand up to peer pressure.” Part of raising a child capable of becoming a fully functional adult is encouraging their autonomy, adds Dr. Goldstein.

Extreme behaviour can be a red flag

“Kids are usually cooperative,” says Dr. Goldstein. So, if they’re frequently defiant, something is likely wrong and you should investigate, he urges. “Self-assertion shouldn’t be so great that it’s noticeable for a long period or creates great tension in the family.” Plus, if your kid is engaging in risky or problematic behaviours (like stealing, skipping school or smoking cannabis daily) or seems anxious or depressed, seek out the help of a therapist or counsellor. “The more kids act out, the more unhappy they are,” he explains. “They’re saying, ‘something is wrong with my life. Can you help me?’”

How to respond

Although it’s difficult to remain calm in the face of obnoxious behaviour, try to avoid responding aggressively, says Dr. Alvord. After all, aggression begets more aggression. Plus, your kids will tune you out if you raise your voice frequently and about trivial matters like delaying homework by a couple of hours, points out Dr. Goldstein.

Instead, take a deep breath and explain how their words upset you and it’s not okay to speak to you like that, suggests Dr. Alvord. After all, they need to understand relationships are reciprocal and treating others rudely isn’t the right way to navigate life. Then, ask them to start again and explain why they’re upset.

Your goal is to listen and understand the reasons behind their behaviour, says Dr. Alvord. Most kids want to please and do what they’re supposed to do, she adds. So, if they’re not, it could be because they’re struggling.

For instance, refusing to attend school might stem from a learning difference, while skipping gym class could result from anxiety. To help kids open up, especially if they’re embarrassed, share a relevant story from your teenage years, suggests Dr. Goldstein. That way, they’ll feel understood and know you’re on their side, he adds.

Just don’t tell them to do something simply because you “said so,” since that approach won’t support their decision-making abilities, says Dr. Goldstein. Instead, explain your reasoning and, if possible, give them options. If your teen doesn’t want to join an after-school club, say, “Well, you need to choose one, but there are four or five options,” coaches Dr. Alvord. “Which one do you want to try?”