Am I Parentifying my Kids? What "Parentified" Means

If your social media feeds are anything like mine, you get a mix of celebrity gossip, parenting memes and modern psychology. That last category of posts usually goes something like "Are you the anxious eldest daughter..." or "Why the parentified child is a perfectionist..."

So what exactly does "parentify" mean? How does it affect kids and how can parents avoid giving their kids too much responsibility? We asked Ashley Graber and Maria Evans. Graber and Evans are parent coaches, child and family psychotherapists and the authors of Raising Calm Kids in a World of Worry.

What is parentification?

While we all want our kids to gain independence, parentifying goes beyond the usual age-appropriate tasks. Parentification is when the balance of a parent-child relationship is off—almost a role reversal.

Parents place adult responsibilities on their children. These can be jobs like caring for the family home and cooking meals. It can also mean emotionally supporting a parent.

Parentification can have major effects on a child's development and well-being.

Two primary forms of parentification: instrumental and emotional

• Instrumental parentification A child takes on practical tasks such as cooking, cleaning or caring for younger siblings. These responsibilities are often out of necessity rather than choice.
• Emotional parentification A child provides emotional support to a parent or acts as their confidant. They are often being exposed to adult concerns, such as financial hardship or relationship problems.

"The idea behind this word is that children get put in the position of a parent far too early—while they are still kids," says Graber. "While it’s normal for kids to help out occasionally, parentification goes beyond age-appropriate support and places an unfair and overwhelming burden on the child. This dynamic can have a lasting emotional impact, as it asks children to take on responsibilities that exceed their maturity and stage of life."

In short, both forms of parentification can negatively affect kids' emotional growth. The difference between parentification and giving kids age-appropriate roles is probably pretty intuitive for most parents.

But remember that every family and household is different. We don't all have the time, money or privilege to give our kids the carefree childhoods we'd like.

Signs your kid may be parentified

Wondering if you're parentifying your kids? Here are signs they might be taking on too much.

• Household responsibilities get in the way of your kids doing kid stuff. For instance, going to school, doing homework and having time to play on their own or with friends.
• Your child acts as an emotional crutch for you or another parent. Or they often mediate adult arguments.
• Kids who are parentified often show signs of stress or anxiety. Or they're less playful or curious than other kids their age.

"Parentified children often feel overwhelmed, anxious, and sometimes resentful. The weight of responsibilities they’re not qualified to handle can lead to a lack of self-worth and emotional exhaustion," says Evans.

Why parentification happens

Parentification can happen for many reasons, some hard to avoid.

• Family challenges Single parenting, illness or financial struggles can lead to children stepping into parental roles. For example, in families where a parent works long hours or is dealing with a chronic illness, older children might naturally take on caregiving roles for younger family members.
• Cultural or societal expectations In some cultures, it’s common for older siblings to take on caregiving responsibilities, which can sometimes cross into parentification.
• Lack of support systems Families without a support network may unintentionally rely heavily on children. For instance, parents who lack affordable childcare options might lean on their children for help with household tasks or sibling care.

Parentification isn’t always the result of neglect or bad intentions. Even well-meaning parents may inadvertently create these dynamics while navigating challenging situations.

The effects of parentification

"Parentified children often appear unusually mature or responsible for their age. Many suppress their needs and emotions to prioritize others, usually developing people-pleasing or perfectionist tendencies, which can naturally lead to high stress levels," says Evans. Graber adds, "Over time, these patterns can also lead to difficulty setting boundaries in relationships and often contribute to mental health difficulties like anxiety and depression."

Parentification can have both immediate and long-term effects on children:

• Short-term effects Kids can experience stress, anxiety or emotional exhaustion. They may also struggle to keep up with schoolwork or social activities. For instance, a kid who spends their evenings cooking dinner and helping siblings with homework might feel too tired to focus on their own school work.
• Long-term effects Over time, parentified children might have difficulty setting boundaries. Or they might put themselves last. For example, an adult who was parentified as a child might find it hard to prioritize their well-being in relationships. Or they may feel guilty seeking help.

It's not all bad, though. With support, some kids with lots of responsibilities develop strong problem-solving skills, empathy and maturity. The key is to help overburdened kids work through their experiences through talk therapy or other interventions.

How to address and prevent parentification

Parents and caregivers can take steps to reduce the risk of parentification and foster healthier family dynamics:

1. Ensure age-appropriate responsibilities: Get kids to help around the home, but in age-appropriate ways. For example, younger children might help with simple tasks like setting the table, while older children can take on more complex chores without being overwhelmed.
2. Build a support network: Seek help from friends, family or community resources. This might include arranging playdates, hiring a babysitter, or connecting with local parenting groups for support.
3. Seek professional help when needed: Therapists and counsellors can provide guidance on creating healthier family dynamics. Family therapy can be particularly helpful for addressing long-standing issues and fostering open communication.
4. Repair dynamics if parentification has occurred: Open communication, family therapy and reassessing responsibilities can help restore balance.

Additionally, parents can encourage kids to be kids. Give them time to play at home and with friends, to find hobbies and extra-curriculars they love.

Dos and don’ts for preventing parentification

Do:

• Assign age-appropriate chores and responsibilities.
• Check-in with your child regularly to gauge how they’re feeling about their roles.
• Seek external support when family circumstances become challenging.

Don’t:

• Rely on your child for emotional support or confide in them about adult concerns.
• Overload them with responsibilities that interfere with their education or social life.
• Ignore signs of stress or burnout in your child.