Why Your Toddler Only Wants Mom And What to Do About It

You’re running late for work, rushing to get out the door, when your toddler suddenly grabs onto your leg, sobbing. “No! I want Mommy!” they wail, refusing to let go—even though Dad is right there, arms open, ready to help. Sound familiar?

Many parents know this scenario all too well. Your toddler clings to one parent (usually Mom), leaving the other feeling rejected and wondering what they did wrong.

The short answer? Nothing. It’s completely normal for toddlers to go through phases where they strongly prefer one caregiver over another.

But why does this happen? And more importantly, how can you ensure both parents feel included in your little one’s world?

Understanding toddler attachment

What is attachment?

Attachment is a deep emotional bond that develops between a child and their caregivers. In the early years, a secure attachment relationship is crucial for a toddler’s emotional development. It lays the foundation for trust, self-confidence, and the ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

Toddlers are naturally wired to seek comfort, safety, and support from their caregivers. This attachment helps them navigate the world, providing a sense of security as they explore and learn.

In my practice, clients often tell me they feel trapped as their child's favourite parent. Others feel neglected and left out as the non-favourite parent. Parents often try to ease their child’s distress by giving in to their demands. But this can make the issue worse.

Why toddlers often prefer Mom

It’s not uncommon for toddlers to gravitate toward their mothers. Even in same-sex couples, a child might bond more with one mom if they see her as the primary caregiver. Here are a few reasons why:

Biological connection

If the mom was the primary caregiver during infancy, the toddler may link her to comfort and security. Breastfeeding and bottle-feeding mothers alike provide comfort and nutrition to the child all at once and several times a day.

Nurturing behaviours

Moms often spend more time engaged in caregiving activities like feeding, cuddling, and soothing, which strengthens the parent-child bond. In Canada, many women opt for maternity leave lasting 12 to 18 months, which provides critical attachment time.

Developmental phase

Toddlers go through periods of intense attachment as part of their developmental milestones. Preferring one parent is their way of feeling secure while they test independence. Keep in mind that this preference can change often and generally doesn't mean one parent is better or more loving.

What if I’m the “rejected” parent?

Both parents play a vital role in creating a secure attachment for their toddler. Even though the preferred parent might seem like the toddler’s main support, the other parent is just as important.

In my practice, I encourage parents to have patience in working on building this attachment. Many parents tell me their child cries when the preferred parent leaves the room, and both parents find it upsetting. I remind parents that this is usually a temporary reaction. Once out of sight, kids often shift their attention to the other parent or caregiver.

Parents often rejoin their children to ease the emotional stress, but this only helps in the short term. In the long run, the child learns that their parents will come back after hearing their cries, which makes it harder when they don’t.

Here are some things that impact attachment

Parental roles

Often, routines and caregiving tasks are divided between parents. If one parent handles more day-to-day needs, the toddler may naturally lean toward them. Be sure to assign roles or tasks to each parent daily so that your child sees both parents as regular caregivers.

Boundary testing

Toddlers also use attachment to test boundaries and assert independence. When they are with a trusted adult, they are more likely to feel secure in exploring their surroundings and the world. Setting and maintaining boundaries can help to build this secure attachment for a child. While boundary testing can be challenging for a parent, this is a life skill that your child is building.

Strategies for Balancing Toddler Preferences

Encouraging equal attachment

To ensure both parents feel involved and valued, try these strategies:

• Share activities: Take turns reading bedtime stories, playing games or attending playdates. Or include both parents. Bedtime for example is a daily routine that should be shared as it’s likely that the preferred parent will not always be available

• Create special moments: Dedicate one-on-one time for the non-preferred parent to build their connection. One-on-one time lets kids develop a special connection to their parents. If one parent is more active, they could take the lead on swimming lessons while the other focuses on arts and crafts.

Managing separation anxiety

If your toddler struggles with separation from their preferred parent, consider these approaches:

• Gradual exposure: Start with short separations and gradually increase the time apart. Remember, exposure means sticking with it and not giving in to the stress or anxiety, even though it’s tough!

• Comfort Items: Provide a favourite toy or blanket to ease transitions. This object can be consistent and provide security for a child. This can be particularly important when a child is transitioning between the homes of separated parents. Remember, the special object belongs to the child and not to one parent.

• Positive reinforcement: Celebrate small milestones when your toddler spends time with the non-preferred parent. Saying how much the non-preferred parent enjoys spending time with the child helps strengthen their bond. Positive reinforcement does not need to be objects or treats but instead can be smiles, affection, and positive words.

Tips for busy or working parents

Being a working parent can pose a particular challenge to this matter. Kids may have a hard time being away from their primary caregiver for long, and parents often feel guilty or worried. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for working or having a life outside the home. You’re setting a great example for your kids, even though it’s not always easy.

Maximize quality time

 Focus on being fully present during your time together, even if it’s limited. The quality of time spent with your child matters more than the amount of time when it comes to building a secure attachment. Ensure that when you’re home physically, you are also home mentally.

Use Technology

Video calls during the day can help maintain a connection. My two-year-old clings to me or his father at daycare drop-off daily and usually cries as I hand him to his teacher. By the time I get to my car and turn the camera on, I see a happy boy playing with friends.

Take advantage of technology to ease the you may have that your child is crying for hours while you’re away. Often, that’s not the case at all.

Include Siblings

Older siblings can also play a role in helping the toddler adjust to different caregivers. Including siblings in activities and routines can help in building the confidence of your toddler. 

Supporting both parents

A united front is essential. Share your feelings and frustrations openly, and work together to create strategies that promote balance, without placing blame. This is of particular importance for separated families. I often see parents think a child's reaction to leaving one parent after a separation is a sign of something wrong.

Parents assume that the other parent is not providing good care or meeting their needs as they would. I help parents support their children during transitions and encourage them to share the time with both parents. Here are some key strategies:

Teamwork: Rotate caregiving responsibilities and ensure each parent’s efforts are acknowledged and valued. Encouraging each other helps build confidence in your parenting, which in turn supports your child.

Support each other

Offer encouragement and empathy during challenging moments. Avoid making assumptions about what they are doing or not doing that is impacting the challenging moments.

Check in

Share updates and send pictures of your time with your child to the other parent. This can help reduce stress.

It’s normal for toddlers to have preferences, and though it can be tough, this phase offers a chance for growth and connection. By working together, parents can build a strong, loving foundation that helps their toddler grow and makes both parents feel equally valued.