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I Think Gentle Parenting Deserves Another Chance

Psychologist Dr. Paul Sunseri shares how to use the debated parenting technique—even with defiant and challenging kids.

I Think Gentle Parenting Deserves Another Chance

A few years ago, Saturday Night Live featured a skit where a father took his misbehaving young daughter through the airport. As she yanks on her dad’s arm while making a scene, her father, in typical gentle parenting style, says, "Sweetie, I know your feelings are valid, but I'm wondering if there's a more productive way to express yourself?” To which the girl replies, “Screw you, #$%^!”

This skit nicely captures the current zeitgeist around the gentle parenting movement and why people seem so divided on it. While gentle parenting appeals to parents who want to raise their children in a kind and supportive way, many don’t understand how to use it to set clear boundaries on bad behaviour. As a result, some equate gentle parenting with entitled, out-of-control kids.

What is gentle parenting and how does it work?

In 2016, psychologist and author Sarah Ockwell-Smith introduced the gentle parenting philosophy. She advocated for parental empathy, respect, and building strong emotional connections with children. The gentle parenting approach differs from the parenting styles of previous generations in which parents were less connected and attentive to their kids—and tended to rely heavily on punishment. For example, if a young child threw a temper tantrum, previous generations might have responded by yelling or even spanking.

A gentle parent would respond differently. They would stay calm, “lean into” the tantrum and empathize with the child's feelings. They would try to understand and validate the child’s emotional experience ("I can see you're frustrated right now"), soothe them and offer comfort.

Then a gentle parent would engage the child in a dialogue about how they could express themselves differently next time. In a way, it makes sense, right? Surely responding in a kind, loving way to our children is a more mature, 21st-century approach to parenting than trying to punish away bad behaviour, right? Turns out, not so much. 

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"Leaning in" helps when a young child falls off their bike or a teenager faces bullying. But it's not as beneficial when a child or teen misbehaves.

Where gentle parenting goes wrong and why people make fun of it

After four decades of working with children and their families, I’ve learned that too much of a good thing is no longer a good thing. Empathy with children in the right situation is exactly what they need, but it's not the right approach in many other situations and is sure to backfire.  

The misbehaving girl in the Saturday Night Live skit might need the father to lean in a little ("Look, I know you're frustrated"), but what she really needs is a good, old-fashioned limit setting (“But you can’t talk to me that way”). Kids need limits and sometimes need to hear no. That’s the bottom line. And setting boundaries is one of the tenets of gentle parenting.

When they misbehave, they want their parents to be in charge and stop them from behaving in ways they know are not okay. They may not act like it, but I promise you that they crave this. I teach parents of younger kids to say, "You can be mad, but you can't be mean," or, for teenagers, “You can get mad, but that does not give you license to be disrespectful, yell at me or kick a hole in the wall.”

What’s missing from gentle parenting (especially with more oppositional kids)

A little girl yells.

Being a gentle parent and setting effective, firm limits with kids is possible. I say this confidently because I teach parents how to do this daily in my practice. My entire career has been working with children and teens with very challenging behaviour. I’ve got a pretty good idea about what works with them and what doesn’t. And being gentle alone ain’t it.

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Changing a kid’s behaviour for the better always starts with setting the expectation (“We don’t allow cursing in our family”). But, as anyone who has ever met a kid knows, just telling them that cursing isn’t okay isn’t going to stop them from cursing.

Parents often make the mistake of just telling a kid over and over not to do something (“How many times do I have to tell you not to fight with your sister!”), or endlessly trying to talk them into doing something they should be doing (“Doing your homework is important”). Nagging and lecturing are rarely effective and just annoy kids and frustrate parents. For this reason, parents must often take it a step further. 

This next step, which kids who are difficult to parent almost always need, is some kind of consequence or penalty. Kids need fair, reasonable consequences, as they are essential to changing a child's more challenging behaviour. This is where the critics of Gentle Parenting get it right.

For example, parents need to call out a disrespectful teen each time their unacceptable behaviour happens. In this case, they might hold onto their kid’s phone or other screens (or disable their wi-fi connection) until they have been respectful for a while (usually after a day or two of kind behaviour). 

Holding a privilege until the kid turns their behaviour around tends to be a far more effective consequence than saying, "You've lost your phone for a week." You can't take away a phone twice, so most kids give their parents a hard time during that week because they figure they've nothing to lose.

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Holding back a privilege until it’s earned again avoids this problem and works for many different challenging behaviours. Kid won't do their homework or their chores? The phone’s off until you do. Arguing with siblings? The phone's off until you've been nice to your sister for a while.

You can guide even the most defiant kid to be respectful, follow directions, get along with siblings, manage anger when things don’t go their way, complete homework, wake up to an alarm, and be on time for school.

Combining a gentle approach with high expectations and firm limit setting creates a winning combination that you and your kids will love.

This article was originally published on Jan 30, 2025

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Dr. Paul Sunseri is a clinical psychologist with over four decades of experience working with oppositional kids and their families. His new book, GENTLE PARENTING REIMAGINED: How to Make It Work with Oppositional and Defiant Kids is on sale now.

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