Smart Boundaries To Set Before Your Child's First Sleepover

Your child's first sleepover is a big milestone—an important step toward independence and social development. But let's be honest—while you're excited for them, it can also stir up a lot of emotions for parents, from a twinge of sadness to worries about safety and that nagging feeling of losing control.

The good news? By setting clear and considerate boundaries beforehand, you can ease some of your fears and open an important line of communication with your kid and the family hosting them.

Here are some expert-approved tips to help make this milestone as smooth and enjoyable as possible, plus alternatives if sleepovers are a no-go for your family.

What makes parents wary of sleepovers?

It’s completely normal for parents to worry about their children's safety and emotional well-being when they spend the night away from home.

Stefanie Peachey, a licensed social worker and family mediator, validates these anxieties, emphasizing their importance, especially regarding proper supervision and safety measures.

Supervision

"Parents frequently think about child safety at sleepovers and who will be present in the home," she notes. "They ask themselves questions like: Are the adults responsible and paying attention? Will there be access to inappropriate content, substances or potentially dangerous situations?"

Well-being and emotional comfort

Equally important is ensuring emotional comfort. Peachey explains, "Many parents ask themselves if their child will feel safe and comfortable. Will they be able to voice any concerns if something seems off?"

Physical safety and abuse

Lauren Book, M.S. Ed., child advocate and founder of Lauren’s Kids, urges parents to consider all aspects of child safety before agreeing to a sleepover—including the risk of molestation or abuse.

“While it’s uncomfortable to think about, the truth is that 90 percent of the time a child is assaulted, it’s by someone the child—and their parents—know and trust,” Book explains. “That’s why sleepovers, where supervision may be minimal and kids are away from their usual routines, deserve extra attention.”

To keep children safe, Book suggests asking direct questions about who will be in the home, including whether older children, teens or other adults will be around.

“It’s also important to know if children will be left alone at any point and to understand the family’s rules about supervision, internet use and privacy,” she adds. “You can ask questions like: Will adults be awake and nearby? What are your rules for technology use? Open communication can go a long way in assessing safety.”

Book also recommends talking to your child before the sleepover. “Teach them about body autonomy, what inappropriate behaviour looks like, and that they can always say no or call you if they feel uncomfortable,” she suggests. “Help them identify trusted adults and reassure them they won’t get in trouble for speaking up. You might even choose a code word or phrase that, if your child uses it in a text or call, you’ll know to pick them up right away.”

Why setting boundaries is crucial for first sleepovers

Dr. Jessica Gomez, a clinical psychologist, highlights the importance of setting clear boundaries and maintaining open communication with the host family of the sleepover. These steps help reduce surprises and enhance safety.

"Meeting with the host family in advance is crucial to confirm that all parties feel at ease about the sleepover," Gomez explains. "This discussion will outline the planned activities, supervision arrangements and safety measures in place."

Clear boundaries also give children a sense of security and predictability. They’ll know what to expect in different situations.

"This is especially important for a child’s first slumber party," says Gomez. "Talking about boundaries helps them feel at ease and manage the environment better. When children understand acceptable behaviour, they feel empowered to stay safe while away from home. They also learn what actions to take and who to contact if needed."

Key boundaries to discuss with your child before the sleepover

1. Communication expectations

Peachey says that setting communication expectations is an essential step to discuss with your child before a sleepover. One helpful approach is to create a communication plan together.

• "If they have a cell phone with them, texting can be a great option," she suggests. "It's discreet and allows them to reach out anytime during the sleepover."
• For younger children who may not have a phone, Peachey recommends coordinating with the host parents. "For example, you can ask—ideally in front of your child—if they’ll have access to a phone to call you at a specific time or whenever they need to," she explains.

No matter the plan, Peachey stresses that children should always feel free to call home if they want to, especially during their first sleepover. "It's important for them to know they’re never cut off from their family," she adds.

2. Comfort and safety boundaries

Peachey emphasizes the importance of having open conversations with your child about comfort and safety boundaries before they attend a sleepover.

• Helping your child recognize their feelings of discomfort is a great starting point. "For example, does your child feel okay sharing a bed, or would they prefer bringing a sleeping bag? Talk to them about changing clothes privately in the bathroom and remind them to lock the door when using it," Peachey suggests.
• It's also essential to teach your child about personal boundaries, including the difference between good touch and bad touch, from an early age. "While we often focus on the risk of sexual abuse, it's equally important to empower children to say no to things like hugs or rough play if they’re uncomfortable," adds Peachey.

3. House rules and expectations

Before the sleepover, it's a great idea to talk to your child about being a thoughtful and appreciative guest," says Peachey.

• "Explain that every family has its own way of doing things, and as long as it's not harmful, it's okay—and even exciting—to experience different routines, rules and foods.
• Encourage your child to ask questions politely and to respect that not all homes operate the same way as yours."

How to communicate your boundaries to the friend's parents

Before agreeing to any sleepover plans, parents should take the time to gather information and feel confident about their child's safety and well-being, says Siobhan Chirico, a registered psychotherapist, educator, and author.

"A sleepover might seem like a simple tradition," she explains, "but there are many things to think about these days. It's perfectly fine to say no if something feels off or you don’t have enough details."

If you're considering letting your child attend a sleepover, Chirico recommends discussing any of these boundaries with the other parents.

1. Ask who will be supervising the sleepover

"Take some time to get to know the parents or guardians hosting the sleepover," Chirico suggests. "You might want to ask them about their approach to supervision, what rules they have in place, and whether there will be other adults or older children around during the sleepover."

2. Inquire about household rules and expectations

Every family has its own rules when it comes to bedtime, internet use, and media consumption. That’s why Chirico suggests making sure the host family’s values align with yours and that you feel comfortable with their environment.

3. Question if there are any safety concerns

"Ask about pets, access to weapons, and any potential safety hazards," recommends Chirico. "If anything makes you uneasy, trust your gut and act accordingly."

4. Investigate how your child feels about it

Believe it or not, not every child is ready for sleepovers—even if they’re excited to go. “It’s important to think about their comfort level, maturity, and how well they can handle being away from home overnight,” says Chirico.

5. Create a backup plan

When in doubt, Chirico recommends having a backup plan. "Let your child know they can always reach out to you if they feel uncomfortable," she advises. "It's also smart to have a safety plan in place, so you're ready to pick them up if needed—even late at night."

How to address common sleepover anxieties and concerns

"Melissa Schwartz, an author, public speaker, and coach for families with highly sensitive children, offers practical tips for managing sleepover anxieties. These include managing homesickness, bedtime worries, social fears, and dietary restrictions or allergies.

Homesickness

According to Schwartz, one of the best ways to support kids dealing with homesickness is to acknowledge the range of emotions they might feel before heading to a sleepover.

• "It starts by normalizing the natural and often complex mix of feelings—like sadness, loneliness, or anxiety—that many kids experience during their first sleepover," Schwartz explains.
• Planning ahead can also make a big difference. Having a contact plan in place, such as a quick text, a photo, or even a phone call, can help kids feel more secure.

Bedtime worries

Schwartz suggests that creating a bedtime kit with your child can be a helpful way to ease their anxiety about sleeping away from home.

• "Including items like their own pillow, favourite stuffed animal, and a book can provide comfort," she explains.
• It’s also a good idea to talk with the host parents ahead of time to find out what the sleeping arrangements will be—whether your child will be in a bed, on a sofa, or using a sleeping bag. "This will help you prepare your child for the experience," Schwartz adds.

Social anxieties

"Practicing potentially tricky situations in advance can help build your child's confidence and ease social anxieties," says Schwartz.

• "One effective way to prepare for such situations is through role-playing, which helps your child practice phrases they can use to set boundaries or express discomfort."
• In addition to role-playing, Schwartz emphasizes the importance of teaching children—starting at a young age—that they don't have to go along with everything their friends suggest, especially if it makes them uncomfortable.

"Sleepovers offer an excellent opportunity to practice this skill," she notes. "Simple phrases like 'I'd rather do something else' or 'I’d prefer not to' empower children to make choices that feel right for them."

Dietary restrictions or allergies

The best way to support your child’s dietary needs or allergies is by communicating them in advance to the host family member, Schwartz advises.

"Make a clear list of foods that cannot be eaten (or if your child is a picky eater, safe foods they will eat.)," she explains. "You can also offer to send snacks for all the children to share."

What to do if boundaries are crossed or issues arise during the sleepover

Sleepover safety is extremely important. Therefore, if boundaries are crossed, Polina Shkadron, founder and neurodivergent therapist at Play to Learn Consulting, advises taking the following steps.

Assess the issue

If your child calls you from a sleepover at a friend's house, your first instinct might be to panic. But before jumping into action, Shkadron recommends taking a moment to assess the situation and gather more details.

"As hard as it may be, a parent's job isn't always to fix the problem," she explains. "Sometimes feeling uncomfortable is part of learning how to navigate tough situations. Start by listening to your child—hear them out about what happened and why they feel upset. From there, you can figure out the best way to support them."

Talk to the parents

If your child expresses that they feel a boundary has been crossed, Shkadron emphasizes the importance of discussing the situation with the host parents as well.

"These conversations are essential because both sets of parents need to agree on what defines a boundary, what crossing that boundary means, and how to handle such situations effectively," she explains.

Shkadron also recommends that parents stay calm and composed during these discussions. "When adults remain grounded and confident in their decision-making, it provides children with a sense of security," she says. "In moments of discomfort, children look for trusted adults who can guide them through their feelings, rather than distracting them from the issue."

When to pick up your child

"Always pick your child up when they are experiencing distress that feels overwhelming," suggests Shkadron. "Resilience is built gradually through successful experiences in a supportive environment."

Post-sleepover talk: Questions to ask your child afterward

After the sleepover ends, spend some time with your child to ask them about their experience.

Stephanie Wijkstrom, a licensed professional counsellor, explains that these conversations are valuable because they foster emotional safety, encourage meaningful dialogue, and help your child process their sleepover experience.

1. What was your favourite part of the sleepover?

Wijkstrom emphasizes that this question is important because it brings joy into the conversation.

"When your child reflects on their favourite part, it helps create a positive connection while giving you a glimpse into what makes them happy during social experiences," she explains. "It also offers a unique perspective on what matters most to them in their friendships."

2. What did you do during the sleepover?

Wijkstrom highlights that asking this question provides valuable insight into how their overnight activities went. It also gives you a chance to identify if anything might need follow-up.

"As parents, we want to gently understand what's going on without being overbearing," she explains. "This question helps keep the dialogue open with your child, allowing them to feel supported and trust that you care."

3. Who did you have the most fun with?

"Finding out who your child enjoyed spending time with can give parents valuable insights into the social dynamics of their child's world," says Wijkstrom. "It's a subtle way to understand group dynamics while also checking in to make sure your child feels included and supported."

4. What games or activities did you enjoy the most?

Wijkstrom suggests that this is a great question to ask after a sleepover because it can help you discover what truly excites your child.

"Once they mention a game or activity they enjoyed, you can try incorporating those into your routine at home," she explains. "It’s also a great way to start planning future social experiences that match their personality and play style."

5. Was there anything that made you feel uncomfortable or scared?

According to Wijkstrom, this is one of the most important questions parents can ask their children.

"It creates a safe and caring space for your child to share anything that might not have felt right," she explains. "Even if nothing happened, simply asking helps build trust in your relationship."

In the event that something did occur, Wijkstrom says that asking this question gives your child the chance to feel seen, heard, and supported as they begin to regain a sense of safety. "It also allows you to step in and address the situation if your child experienced something unwanted," she adds.

6. What did you eat or drink during the sleepover?

Aside from determining allergies or dietary issues, Wijkstrom says that asking this question will help you understand the environment in which the food was placed. "Food is key to comfort and companionship, and children love to discuss what they ate," she adds.

7. Did you get enough sleep?

A sleepover stay at a friend's house can be fun, but it can also be overstimulating. This is why Wijkstrom suggests asking this question because if your child did not sleep well, it might be a reminder to stagger them or provide some additional downtime afterward.

8. Would you like to have another sleepover soon?

"Asking this question helps wrap up the whole experience," says Wijkstrom. "If they light up with excitement about seeing a friend again, that's a great sign! But if they hesitate, it’s a chance to explore further, understand how they’re feeling, and figure out how to support them moving forward."

Making future sleepover decisions based on the first experience

After your child’s first sleepover, it’s important to check in and talk about how it went.

"Parents should ask questions like, 'What did you enjoy?' or 'Was there anything that you didn’t like?' 'Would you want to do another sleepover?'" Chirico suggests. "Their answers can help you assess the environment they were in and how they coped with being away from home."

Chirico also recommends practicing active listening during these conversations. “Active listening allows for growth and builds trust,” she explains.

"As your child grows or as you get to know other families better, you can adjust your rules. Sometimes a ‘maybe’ can turn into a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ depending on what feels right for both you and your child. The goal is to create a sense of security—not fear."

Finally, Chirico reminds parents not to push sleepovers if their child isn’t ready. “Some eight-year-olds are perfectly comfortable staying over with a good friend, while others at ten or twelve might still struggle,” she notes.

“Some kids are never interested in sleepovers—and that’s okay. There’s no ‘right’ age for this milestone. It’s all about your child’s readiness, comfort level, and personal preferences.”

Not going to allow your child to go to sleepovers? Here's how to explain that to them

Sleepovers can provide important social experiences for children who want to participate. However, Dr. Ran Anbar, a pediatrician, child therapist, and author, explains that sometimes, parents may feel that a sleepover is inappropriate.

"If a sleepover is held at another child’s home, parents may feel uncomfortable with the level of discipline or supervision provided in the other home," explains Ranbar. "Some other reasons parents may be reluctant include: bedtime is not enforced, the parents are not always available to the children in the home and some of the other children who are supposed to be at a sleepover have bullied their child."

Be honest

If you feel that sleepovers aren't the best fit for your family, Anbar suggests being honest about the reason why.

"Tell them the truth," he suggests. "If you are worried about a lack of supervision or exposure to inappropriate activities, this is a chance to review the values you would like to instill in your child."

Offer alternatives

You can also offer alternatives instead. According to Anbar, these can include things like getting together with friends during the daytime,  hosting a party/get-together at your house, at a park, or another venue, or watching a movie (with popcorn!) for your child and their friends at your house.

Claire Gagne, an editor (formerly at Today's Parent) and mom of two, also suggests trying out almost-sleepovers. "Kids would come over for dinner, bring their PJs and a sleeping bag, they'd watch a movie, and then they'd get picked up before bedtime," she explains. "It let the kids experience all the fun sleepover stuff, but they slept in their own home."

Experts

• Stefanie Peachey is a licensed social worker and family mediator.
• Dr. Jessica Gomez is a clinical psychologist.
• Siobhan Chirico is a registered psychotherapist, educator, and author.
• Stephanie Wijkstrom is a licensed professional counselor.
• Polina Shkadron is a neurodivergent therapist at Play to Learn Consulting.
• Claire Gagne,
• Lauren Book, M.S. Ed, is a child advocate, former classroom teacher, best-selling author, former Florida State Senator, and the Founder and CEO of Lauren’s Kids.