Why writer Eden Boudreau think it’s time that parents reassess what they and their kids really need.
One of my most vivid memories of being a first-time parent is sitting on the floor with my back pressed against my oldest son’s crib, his small hand reaching through the rails and wrapped so tightly around my thumb all the pink had nearly drained from his chubby fingers. He had wailed and sobbed relentlessly until he had finally fallen into a fitful sleep. His cheeks were still wet, as were my own. I had only been a parent, at that point, for less than four months and I already felt like a failure.
My second and third sons would come along four and six years later, respectively. With every new challenge, whether it be potty training, learning to share, behaviour at school or dealing with bullies, I always felt woefully unprepared.
This was partially due to being a parentified child, and the early neglect I suffered from a mother who hadn’t yet processed her childhood trauma and was unequipped to be the parent I needed. This led to loneliness and a lack of stability and empathy that I vowed my children would never have to experience. Unfortunately, sometimes that is easier said than done.
Shortly before my youngest son turned four, our family relocated to Ontario from the East Coast, and I was left without a support system. My now ex-husband worked long hours and often travelled for weeks at a time for his new job. We had no family or friends in the area, and I had taken time away from working to focus on making the transition as smooth as possible for the kids.
I would spend endless hours reading books and magazine articles, confiding in other parents on the playground and searching through mommy message boards for parenting advice on how to handle everything from tantrums to bullies to why my six-year-old was falling so far behind his peers, both academically and socially, for seemingly no reason.
He wouldn’t be diagnosed with autism for another four years. At the time I had no answers for why my kind, funny, loving kid would melt down to the point of screaming and self-harm if he made a simple mistake when trying to write his alphabet or read a book. Why he insisted on wearing the same t-shirt day in and day out, to the point I had to steal it from his body as he slept just to wash it. Why the transition to and from school would be flawless some days, and complete chaos others. What I did know was that I was willing to try anything at that point.
This included a trendy parenting approach coined “gentle parenting,” which had started to gain popularity at the time, mainly among millennial parents like myself who were raised by baby boomers. In these households, it was common to hear variations of “Stop being so sensitive” or “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who is cited as originating the concept in her book The Gentle Parenting Book: How to Raise Calmer, Happier Children from Birth to Seven (2016) defines gentle parenting as having empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries.
“The goal of gentle parenting is to view difficult behaviours from a child as typical for their development (given their still-growing brain) and as an opportunity to teach pro-social and emotional skills, rather than to simply view a child’s behaviour as “bad,” says Dr. Bridget Jones, PsyD, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Private Practice Owner.
In practice, gentle parenting means validating your child’s feelings, responding to their emotional needs with patience and approaching discipline as an opportunity to teach rather than punish. For example, instead of reacting harshly to an angry outburst, you might say, “I see you’re upset. Let’s talk about it,” to help kids feel heard and understood.
In theory, this parenting philosophy feels like the right way to foster emotional intelligence and break cycles of generational trauma from authoritarian or neglectful parents. But in practice, a lot of parents feel exhausted, anxious and resentful. These parents aren't upset with their children but with the pressure to uphold what can feel like the unrealistic expectations of gentle parenting.
Even more so for parents, like myself, with neurodivergent children who don’t have the same developmental markers and emotional regulation as neurotypical kids do.
Dr. Bridget Jones cautioned, “Gentle parenting is useful for managing basic behaviours, but not for more complicated behaviours, such as aggression, defiance, or non-compliant behaviours. Responding to these behaviours requires a higher level of intervention than gentle parenting techniques can provide.”
Asking my son why he felt a certain way after an outburst or tantrum usually only makes him feel embarrassed or more frustrated, because the truth is, he doesn’t know why.
The reality is that gentle parenting might not be the right fit for everyone. Some parents may prefer peaceful parenting that prioritizes having parents work on themselves first, or attachment parenting that fosters independence by “emphasizing the importance of a secure emotional bond between children and their caregiver,” according to Gayle Weill, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Gayle Weill LCSW LLC.
And at the end of the day, there is no one “right” way to raise a child. Especially at a time when those same children are watching pandemics, genocidal wars, battles for equality and basic human rights play out inches from their faces on social media. None of us know if we have done everything right until our kids are grown and on their own. Even if we end up raising our voices, saying no, or having to ask them to just go play on their own if only to give ourselves a moment of peace. What matters is that you try.
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