The Invisible Load: Why Modern Moms Are Melting Down

How angry are the moms in your group chats? A little bit furious, no doubt. We love our jobs, we're raising progressive kids, and we've chosen mates who are empathetic and evolved. So, how did we become resentful 1950s housewives?

I’m not married to a bum. Scott has been my perfect partner for 17 years. When we moved in together in our mid-20s, there was no negotiating over chores. Things just seemed to get done—there was a whole lot less to do back then. A decade later, everything is bigger: our careers, home, family (two kids), and stress levels.

Chores are divided fairly evenly; I handle most of the cooking and laundry, while he plays more with the kids, does the groceries, and handles general maintenance. He’s caring, involved, and hard-working. Like the majority of parents, we’re always hustling, trying our best to get by. It’s a precarious balance, and any nudge—a kid with a cold or a sleepless night—can throw it off, sometimes way off. Most days, though, we push through, we laugh, we try our best not to slip up.

How nice and harmonious, right? For the most part, yes. But every 40 days or so, no.

Meltdown

I’ve not charted it to interest rates or lunar cycles, but what I do know is that I pretty regularly break down every six weeks, and it always looks the same: I’m doing too much; you’re not doing enough; you’re not noticing everything I do; and how do you not know that we’re out of cat food or where we keep the kids’ swim towels? (They’re in the closet with the towels.)

It’s always on a weeknight after the kids are in bed, always with tears (mine), and then silence (his). I wouldn’t say a whole lot changes as a result of these outbursts. I’ve come to think of them as my reset button. It can feel lonely—all the meal planning, rushing, and worrying—but I’m not alone.

The moms are not alright

Pan out to my circle of women friends, my colleagues, and the 2,200-plus moms in the three Facebook parents’ groups I belong to, and you’ll find many frustrated, furious women out there.

To be clear, I’m looking at this through the lens of a middle-class, heterosexual couple, in which the division of chores and parenting often seems to revert to 1950s-style stereotypes as if by default. (Same-sex couples don’t generally experience the same gendered expectations—research shows they’re better at communicating and negotiating, and more likely to divide chores based on preference and ability.)

We chose smart, sensitive, empathetic partners and rewarding careers. But once kids arrive, we find ourselves surprised by how bogged down we feel, doing way too much with too little support. Are our expectations out of line? Did our rosy dream of equality really involve near-daily loads of laundry and waking up before dawn to snag a spot in Toddler Swim?

We are ragged with exhaustion. Our resentment simmers just below the surface.

Based on various surveys and studies conducted between 2021 and 2024, a huge percentage of mothers in Canada feel overwhelmed, with data suggesting that nearly half are reaching a "breaking point" due to balancing work and childcare responsibilities. Nearly half (47 percent) of working moms in Canada reported experiencing burnout, with 67 percent expressing concern about their emotional well-being.

The problem is invisible

You’d be forgiven for struggling to define the problem because it’s practically invisible. Statistics can’t capture this stuff. Lisa Wade, a professor of sociology at Occidental College in Los Angeles, says it’s the thinking, worrying, organizing, and delegating—the mental-emotional burden—that’s dragging women down.

“Both parents are working more hours than they used to, but it’s pretty much equal, which is why it’s so interesting that women are consistently more dissatisfied with the division of labour in their partnerships,” Wade says.

In a 2014 study from the Journal of Marriage and Family, only 11 percent of women married to men say the division of labour in their households is fair, whereas 45 percent of men married to women say so.

And new data suggests not much has changed. A 2024 study by USC found that mothers report handling more than 72 percent of all cognitive labour in their households—meaning the thinking, remembering, and planning that keeps everything running. Even the physical tasks weren’t split 50-50: moms still did nearly two-thirds of the execution work, too.

My invisible load

Meanwhile, my brain fizzes with the minutiae that make each day run smoothly(ish): What meals can I make on the weekend that will maximize leftovers for lunches and dinners? I have to refill the mini-shampoo bottle we bring to the pool, and launder suits and towels tonight so they’re ready for tomorrow. The bread is mouldy. We only have one bag of milk left. Have to confirm the dentist, pay the tutor, and cancel piano. And ugh, the library books are overdue.

All of this. Every day. I often feel it consumes me. It definitely exhausts me.

It’s not that this thinking and emotional work is strictly uterus-specific—men do it too, but they tend to be the minority. And in most of the couples I know, this arrangement arises when the dad works at home or works fewer paid hours overall.

The one with the bigger career (more responsibility, more money) typically steps back from chores and childcare, Wade says. And most employers still assume their male workers have someone else handling the domestic stuff, so they expect men to log more hours. Women, on the other hand, are generally paid less and lose earning power and influence when they take mat leave. So, when a couple negotiates who will pick up the slack at home, income matters more than gender, Wade says.

Men enjoy more freedom of mind

Here’s a good lie I’ve bought into: I’m really suited to all the scheduling and organizing, and I’m super good at worrying. Aren’t those just things women are made for? Wade scoffs at this. “Well, people do tend to get good at the things they do all the time. Our brains are beautiful like that,” she says. “It’s all about context: Women are better at sewing because they have such nimble fingers and they’re so patient—but if it’s a surgeon, it should be a dude. Come on! These stereotypes break down when you shift the context. Our brains don’t do that many different things—they pay attention, and they make our bodies work, and the skills we need are the same across the wide span of workplaces and the wide span of the home. We just decided that when it comes to the home, women must be better.”

Wade argues the stuff men handle is culturally masculine—like negotiating a better rate on car insurance or changing the furnace filter—and “are weekly at best and often monthly, seasonal, and even annual.” They aren’t comparable in frequency to the daily chores many women feel responsible for: dinner, laundry, carpooling, practices and lessons. “So women’s minds tend to be more relentlessly and unceasingly occupied than men’s.”

So what do we do about it?

The answer is definitely not simple and will likely require a lot of emotional and mental labour—but it's probably worth it. Here's a good place to start: How To Share Household Chores Without Resentment