How To Share Household Chores Without Resentment

From shovelling snow to picking up groceries and unloading the dishwasher, every family has a slew of household chores to juggle on top of work, parenting, and everything else. Life is a lot these days, and it can sometimes feel like too much when you’re arguing over whose turn it is to fold the laundry.

“Some level of tension around housework is completely normal,” says Joanna Seidel, a family therapist and the founder and clinical director of Toronto Family Therapy. “Household tasks are rarely enjoyable, and disagreements about them are common in most relationships,” she says. But the division of household chores can pose a serious problem when they aren’t shared in an equitable way, because feelings of resentment, relationship dissatisfaction, and even anger can creep in.

Of course, what’s fair can be tricky to determine. For most families, an exact 50/50 split of the chores list is unrealistic. Who does what is often determined by work schedules and demands, the kids' ages and stages, and who spends more time at home. The person who commutes to an office may have less time to throw in loads of laundry, but can order the weekly groceries for delivery, for example. And, of course, the parent who works fewer hours outside the house is often tasked with more of the household jobs, from meal prep to bathroom cleaning. And then there’s the mental load, like remembering gifts for birthday parties, booking dentist appointments, and paying for extracurriculars, which often falls on the moms.

“What matters most is how the division of responsibilities feels within the relationship,” says Seidel. “When one partner experiences the balance as consistently unfair or overwhelming, it becomes less about individual tasks and more about a relationship concern,” she says.

Ultimately, only you and your partner can decide on a division of labour that makes the most sense for your skills, lifestyle, schedule, and priorities. And this can and should change over time. Like almost everything about parenting, it’s a work in progress.

If you’re ready to reevaluate the split of household chores with your partner, here are some tips and tricks to consider.

Create a complete list and divvy it up clearly

The first step is to make a comprehensive list of everything from yard work to grocery shopping and house cleaning. Then, go through the list together, noting who has been most often responsible for the task, and discuss how you would like to reorganize your contributions according to your skills, availability, and likes.

Not sure where to start? Try each other’s hates. “I feel like we’ve found a good balance because the core principle of our division of labour is this: if you hate a task less than the other person does, make it your task,” says Jennifer Martin, mom to a baby and a kindergarten-age daughter, in Barrie, ON. “For example, emptying the dishwasher makes me want to rip my hair out, so Dave does that, and he hates doing laundry, but I don’t, so that’s my job,” she says.

Start a family calendar, stat

Organized family systems are a must, says Seidel. This could include a shared family email address for school and activities communications, and a detailed family calendar that everyone can see and contribute to. “When both parents share responsibility for adding information and keeping it updated, it reduces the administrative burden on one person and helps prevent misunderstandings,” she says.

“Making sure everything is in the calendar helps us keep track of what’s going on,” says Ossana Ber, mom to a fourth grader in Toronto. “We sit down at the beginning of the week and go through it to see what’s happening—it keeps us on the same page,” she says.

Add things like meals, such as lunches and dinners, to take the guesswork out of meal prepping. It also streamlines your grocery list for the week.

Consider using a digital calendar that is shared between you and your partner, and even your tweens and teens. They can generate daily reminders so you won’t forget anything (and it won’t be your responsibility to remember all the to-dos).

Stay in your lane

“Part of sharing responsibility means trusting that the other person will be able to handle their task in their own way,” says Seidel. “It may not be done exactly how you would do it, but that is okay.” Ber says this concept has been helpful to how she divides things up with her husband, who is in charge of the majority of their chores, including laundry and cooking, since his job allows him to be available to take care of more domestic work. Ber says she appreciates it, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy, especially when your partner does things differently. “It takes practice, but I’ve gotten better at letting go,” says Ber. “At a certain point, you say, why am I complaining about this? It’s getting done, and that’s what matters,” she says.

Letting go is important not only for your own sanity, but for the maintenance of the relationship with your spouse. If they’re in charge of dishes but you are continually pointing out that they load the dishwasher wrong, the kitchen might get cleaned, but everyone is bound to feel miserable about it. “If your partner is participating in the household labour, but is being criticized for not doing it right, this can feel discouraging and demotivating,” says Seidel. “Over time, one partner will stop engaging and completing tasks altogether.”And, of course, owning your own tasks doesn’t mean you can’t help each other out. “While we have our domains, we both understand the basic tasks the other person handles, so if we need to step in for whatever reason, we can and wouldn’t be clueless about it,” says Martin. “I think one party being totally unaware is what causes friction in many cases.”

Delegate to the kids

As they get older, kids can be a great help around the house. “Children can be given ownership over specific areas, such as keeping their rooms organized, helping with meals, or managing their school materials,” says Seidel.

“My son likes to help my husband with cooking, and he loves doing dishes,” says Ber.

“My husband and kids clean up after dinner, since I cook,” says Amy Rempel, a mom to two teens in Collingwood, ON.

But, like the division of chores between parents, kids must learn to take ownership of their respective jobs, too. “Although they are more able now, I still have to remind them of their chores,” says Rempel. “I think we’re going on 10 years of them emptying the dishwasher—but, God forbid, they ever check it themselves.” Sometimes, she finds the mental load of having to keep tabs on their chores to be tiring.

“Regular family check-ins can help to ensure the system continues to work,” says Seidel. “These brief conversations create space to reassess, hear everyone’s input, and make adjustments. When responsibility is shared more intentionally, families often experience less stress, clearer communication, and stronger relationships overall,” she says.

Hire help

Making space in the family budget for a cleaning service can have a two-fold benefit: it checks those chores off your to-do list and frees up time for other more pressing—or enjoyable—tasks. “Hiring a cleaner has been a game-changer,” says Martin. “Having someone come in to do a deep clean every other week takes so much pressure off,” she says. “Because we have busy, stressful jobs, it’s been so nice to have our weekends back to go out and do things as a family, rather than having to spend time on cleaning. It’s such a privilege, and I don’t take it for granted.”

Keep it in perspective

While it’s true that the pile of clean clothes on the living room couch isn’t exactly an emergency, it’s also true that in a moment of overstimulation or overwhelm, it can definitely feel like one. Keeping housework in perspective is key. “We know there will inevitably be curveballs that life throws at us down the road, like aging parents, illness, and financial stress that will shake us and test our marriage, so we’re trying to keep something that’s in our control, like housework, off that list,” says Martin.

Remember, the goal of creating a positive home is not perfection, says Seidel. “Don’t blame each other when things don’t get done. Focus on being a team and being collaborative,” she says.