To Help My Anxious Kid I Sent Him to the Store

I admit it, I’m an anxious mom. Entering motherhood with a master’s degree in education and years of teaching under my belt, I was well aware of all the things I did not want to do wrong when I welcomed my first-born son over a decade ago. Though I’d taught in a classroom, and before that, babysat for years to earn extra money, I had no idea how to take care of my own infant. Thank goodness I was armed with a smartphone and my new best friend and motherhood mentor, Google.

I’d research medical questions, parenting methods, sleep training advice and screen time rules for hours. You name a child development-related question and I have probably searched it in the middle of the night. I approached parenting with a plethora of information and an arsenal of rules and regulations. No solid food before six months, no naps after 3 p.m., no sugar before age two, and so on. Rather than instinct, I relied on research—and a fear of what could go wrong.

While I’d never admit to being a helicopter parent, I struggled with the uncertainty of raising another human. What this fostered in my home was an anxious mom and a first-born son who mirrors his mother’s worries.

As I welcomed more children, I was forced to scale back on my high-intensity parenting. When you’ve got three kids under four, it’s basic survival, and my younger two children just weren’t mothered with the same level of anxiety that my firstborn endured. Now, I consider them lucky because of it.

How parental anxiety affects kids

My kids are now in upper elementary and middle school, and I’m looking back at my choices with a bit of regret. I know that my own frayed nerves rubbed off on my eldest, and we aren’t alone. Author of Anxious Kids, Michael Grouse says “Firstborns may be the recipients of greater parental investment than later borns, but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee them good mental health.”

According to Grouse, it might be precisely my over-investment in the safety and security of my oldest that caused his anxiety. He says that research conducted for Anxious Kids “showed that a higher proportion of firstborns experience anxiety at a critical level than children in other birth order positions.”

Thanks to Jonathan Haidt’s new and provocative book The Anxious Generation, I’m making an effort to help my son conquer his first-born anxiety. Haidt is an NYU professor and social psychologist who’s been studying trends in education, technology and childhood for decades. Haidt claims that “overprotection in the real world and underprotection in the virtual world are the major reasons why children born after 1995 became the anxious generation.”

Haidt’s book has made me realize that my anxiety has prevented my kids from doing things that stretch them and foster independence. My years of following guidelines weren't wrong, but my militant adherence to them led to a style of parenting that valued rules and ideals over my kids’ ability to self-regulate.

Haidt’s cornerstone advice to anxious parents of anxious kids is to give children and adolescents “more (and better) experience in the real world.” He encourages parents to build independence by allowing their kids to be unsupervised—without a screen accessible—for increasing periods, accomplish small tasks alone, and build confidence by existing in the real world with less hovering…er, guidance, that is…from their parents.

Haidt says it’s moments when kids are unsupervised that build autonomy and independence. These opportunities force them to face challenges, be flexible and solve their own problems.

How I'm encouraging independence

Equal parts inspired and terrified, I decided to use the increased summertime freedom to put Haidt’s wisdom into practice. One suggestion from the book encourages older kids to run short errands for their parents, so I broached the subject with my 11-year-old. Predictably, he protested the idea of riding his bike to the store alone, so we started small.

I took him and a couple of friends to Trader Joe’s, handed them my credit card (realizing that these exercises are building flexibility skills for me too) and told them to buy some popsicles and meet me at the checkout. I shopped for my groceries for a few minutes and met them at the front as they beamed with sheepish pride at their accomplishment.

The next errand took the most trust, from both of us. I took heed of Haidt’s encouragement to continue in my attempts to allow my son flexibility and freedom, even though I was nervous about the idea of him being out by himself: “The cure for parental anxiety is exposure. Experience the anxiety a few times, taking conscious note that your worst fears did not occur, and you learn that your child is more capable than you had thought. Each time the anxiety gets weaker.”

Taking some deep breaths, I allowed my 11-year-old and a fellow tween neighbour to walk to a coffee shop about half a mile from our house. I gave them a few dollars and told my son to come back in an hour. He returned beaming, saying it was one of the best things he did all summer.

These exercises are simple, but they’re truly working my tween’s autonomy muscle, and I’ve seen improvements in his anxiety. He’s more willing to figure things out on his own, is looking forward to middle school this fall, and seems generally more confident.

I wish I had started younger with my oldest, but I’m glad I have the tools now to encourage him in his independence.

How to raise confident, independent kids

Haidt says that starting early is the best way to build emotional defences against anxiety. For parents of children under five, his advice is simple: “What young children need is a lot of time to interact with you, with other loving adults, with other kids, and with the real world.” He encourages parents to allow children to have lots of free play with other kids, especially mixed ages since that’s where learning and development is deepened. He advises parents to allow even toddlers as young as two to help with family chores, as this helps them feel autonomous and like an essential part of the family. His screen time guidelines are rigorous (no social media until kids are 16, fight for phone-free schools and set strict limits around at-home screen time), but not impossible, and they focus on quality over quantity.

Haidt says that once basic independence skills are mastered, and children set out for elementary school is when the adventuring starts. Emphasizing free play, autonomy, flexibility and far less access to the virtual world, Haidt paints a picture of a childhood full of joy, adventure and deep, important learning. For me and my tween, who’s looking forward to longer and more complex expeditions without me around, the fun is just beginning.