How to get what you want in bed

A lot of women ask me how they can get what they want in bed, and I have to confess to being somewhat perplexed by the question. The real question is, why the heck aren't you getting what you want? I mean, what's stopping you? That's the real question. And it's a question to which there are a number of possible answers.

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You know that what you’re getting now is OK, but it’s just OK. What’s missing? You aren’t sure. So how do you find out? You conduct extensive research — the fun kind: Read erotica, watch sexy movies, visit a sex-toy shop, and then, experiment. Believe me, the longer it takes to hit a home run, the better. 

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You’re sort of, kind of, maybe a little embarrassed that you want that thing that you’re thinking of asking him for. Ooh. That little voice that tells you there’s something wrong with you, the one that thrives on secrecy and reproduces like a cancer in your dark places — it’s called shame. Banish it. Those stinky thoughts are fuelled by some belief (a mistaken belief) you have about right and wrong, about what you think you “should” be. Stop "shoulding" on yourself. Decide to believe differently. Decide to believe that even good girls get exactly what they want in bed.

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You don’t want your partner to feel like he’s not an adequate lover. Or maybe you’re just not sure how to start a conversation that includes language like “clitoral stimulation." So don’t. Write him instead. Or play a game of I’ll-scratch-your-back-if-you-scratch-mine. Ask him what you can do for him, and then request a sexual favour in return. Eventually, muster up the courage to be more direct. Learning to ask for what you need will serve you well in and out of the bedroom.

You’re afraid your request will be ignored. She won’t listen. Or worse, she won’t be willing. And how embarrassing would that be? Perhaps you’re worried about your partner’s benevolence because you’re worried about your own. We expect others to be like us. If we’re critical, we expect others to be critical, too. If we judge, we expect others to judge. And, if we aren’t generous, we expect others won’t be generous either.  So, set the tone and be a generous lover. You get what you give.

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