Advertisement
Family life

How to get what you want in bed

Afraid to ask? Not sure what you want? Embarrassed? Get what you want in bed with these hot tips from psychotherapist Liza Finlay.

How to get what you want in bed

Photo: iStockphotos

How to get what you want in bed

What's stopping you?

A lot of women ask me how they can get what they want in bed, and I have to confess to being somewhat perplexed by the question. The real question is, why the heck aren't you getting what you want? I mean, what's stopping you? That's the real question. And it's a question to which there are a number of possible answers.

Read more: The sex lives of Canadian parents>

How to get what you want in bedPhoto: iStockphoto

02You don't know what you want in bed

You know that what you’re getting now is OK, but it’s just OK. What’s missing? You aren’t sure. So how do you find out? You conduct extensive research — the fun kind: Read erotica, watch sexy movies, visit a sex-toy shop, and then, experiment. Believe me, the longer it takes to hit a home run, the better. 

Read more: Are you having enough sex?>

How to get what you want in bedPhoto: iStockphoto

Advertisement

03You're embarrassed

You’re sort of, kind of, maybe a little embarrassed that you want that thing that you’re thinking of asking him for. Ooh. That little voice that tells you there’s something wrong with you, the one that thrives on secrecy and reproduces like a cancer in your dark places — it’s called shame. Banish it. Those stinky thoughts are fuelled by some belief (a mistaken belief) you have about right and wrong, about what you think you “should” be. Stop "shoulding" on yourself. Decide to believe differently. Decide to believe that even good girls get exactly what they want in bed.

Read more: Are your relationship expectations... to great?>

How to get what you want in bediStockphoto

04You don't want your partner to feel bad

You don’t want your partner to feel like he’s not an adequate lover. Or maybe you’re just not sure how to start a conversation that includes language like “clitoral stimulation." So don’t. Write him instead. Or play a game of I’ll-scratch-your-back-if-you-scratch-mine. Ask him what you can do for him, and then request a sexual favour in return. Eventually, muster up the courage to be more direct. Learning to ask for what you need will serve you well in and out of the bedroom.

How to get what you want in bedPhoto: iStockphoto

05You're afraid you'll be ignored

You’re afraid your request will be ignored. She won’t listen. Or worse, she won’t be willing. And how embarrassing would that be? Perhaps you’re worried about your partner’s benevolence because you’re worried about your own. We expect others to be like us. If we’re critical, we expect others to be critical, too. If we judge, we expect others to judge. And, if we aren’t generous, we expect others won’t be generous either.  So, set the tone and be a generous lover. You get what you give.

How to get what you want in bedPhoto: iStockphoto

Advertisement

More sex and relationship advice

6 signs you need couples therapy>
Here are signs you and your partner might benefit from couples therapy, and what to expect from it.

How to get what you want in bedPhoto: iStockphoto
This article was originally published on Jul 31, 2013

Weekly Newsletter

Keep up with your baby's development, get the latest parenting content and receive special offers from our partners

I understand that I may withdraw my consent at any time.

Advertisement
Advertisement