Dad Stress Is Real

Fathers depicted in popular culture run the gamut from the affable “Tim the Toolman” Taylor in Home Improvement, to the lovable Phil Dunphy in Modern Family, to the Demogorgon-slaying Hopper in Stranger Things. In most instances, the representation of evolved modern fatherhood is frequently mischaracterized. Dads are shown as either amiable or superhero-like. But chances are, they’re probably also really tired. One thing that has become clear is that fathers are stressed out, too. Gone are the days of the dad coming home from work, setting their briefcase down and quietly reading the paper.

We've looked at motherhood and the stressors linked to it, from the mental load to division of household labour, to the ramifications of childbearing on career development and more. But as the saying goes, two things can be true at once. Moms are feeling burnt out, and dads are also experiencing their own set of burdens that can impact family dynamics. According to regular dads, as well as beloved Toronto Maple Leaf, John Tavares, they could do with some self-care as well.

Some stats on men’s health

Parenting has most certainly changed over the last fifty years. This statement hardly does justice to the ups and downs seen in modern anthropology. Dad-stress is likely symptomatic of a greater issue in men’s health. According to a recent study by the Movember Institute of Health, men account for three in four suicides in Canada. And two in five men in Canada will die prematurely, before the age of 75, from preventable causes.

In a recent CBC interview, Mark Holland, former Federal Minister of Health in Canada, called this a crisis and said, “this is not only affecting statistics of men dying early, it’s having a devastating impact on their quality of life, and the quality of life of the people around them.”

He went on to explain that traditional views of masculinity and what men can or can’t express, drive men to feel ‘locked’ in their suffering. The data coming out about men’s mental health is alarming, and if they are suffering, the people who love them, like their partners and children, will undoubtedly be affected.

The Movember study also states that “men’s health challenges can significantly impact their earnings and therefore familial finances. Depression, for example, is associated with reduced weekly hours worked, lower household income and increased deprivation.”

What is dad-stress?

The quick and easy response, according to AI, is as follows: Dad stress refers to the unique pressures and anxieties fathers experience related to their role as partners, parents and sometimes, the primary breadwinners. This stress can stem from juggling work-life balance, financial responsibilities, and societal expectations, impacting their mental and physical well-being.

That hits the nail on the head, but let’s take a closer look. Balancing work and family is a biggie. Men have traditionally been expected to be successful in their careers, but they are also expected to be active in their children’s lives as well as a supportive spouse. I know some moms reading this might be suppressing collective eyerolls (or not suppressing them at all, feel your feels, ladies).

The thing is, modern dads may have grown up with a version of the Ward Cleaver role model, or with immigrant fathers who were fighting for economic survival in a new country. The experience of rushing home from a full day of work, stopping at the grocery store to pick up dinner on the way, making dinner, loading the dishwasher afterwards, then taking the kids to little league, where they are also the team coach, is likely new to them—and potentially stress-inducing.

Society hasn’t been very tolerant of men reacting to stress in any other way than quietly. And what of the financial strains? It’s hard to ‘elbows up’ your way out of the very real worries of our current economic circumstances. If you’re a dad working in the automotive industry, let’s say, you may be lying awake at night worrying if you’ll have a job next week and how you’re going to feed your family. All that worry and mental and emotional heavy lifting can play out physically.

Signs and symptoms

Physical symptoms that dads, and the people who love them, should look out for include:

• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Changes in appetite or sleep

Some emotional indicators include:

• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Feeling overwhelmed

These may lead to the dad in your life withdrawing from activities or engaging in conflict.

Casey Palmer, Toronto storyteller, husband and dad of two boys, nine and 11, is honest about getting to a point of real struggle a few years ago. “Just after Father’s Day in 2021, I hit a major wall. I think my response to COVID initially was to just hole up and try to get as much done as possible, to still feel like I was being productive, when really what I needed to be doing was just spending time outside and letting go of perhaps what would have been, those ideas of success and the things that drove me before the pandemic. I had to almost fall apart and rebuild from that point on to get a sense of where I’d like to spend my time and energy,” he said.

Similarly, Luca Riggio, father of two little ones, aged two and five, has felt the strain of fatherhood at times. “I found that when I was trying to keep up with other people, this led to me feeling burnout. I had to change my mindset and understand that I didn’t need to compete with other people. With having kids and establishing a career, you take a social hit in a way. But I stopped trying to partake in everything, which is easier, and you stop feeling like you’re letting yourself down,” he explained.

The reality is that stress impacts a parent’s ability to be emotionally available for and patient with their children. In turn, this can increase conflict within the parental and spousal relationship and trigger behavioural and emotional responses in the children. It can be scary for kids to see their parents stressed out and worried.

Talk about it

Even professional athletes at the top of their game can feel the stress of fatherhood and life. Toronto Maple Leaf, John Tavares, father to three children six and under, has thought about ways to manage it. “Stress can be a major part of life, and in a lot of ways, it’s necessary for growth and development. But obviously, it can become chronic, negative and hurtful if not managed properly. So, with the demands of life, whether it’s personal, career, parenthood or the relationship with your wife, I always feel the best way to deal with that stress is to communicate,” he said. His advice is to ask for help when you need it and to work through things with your partner or the trusted people around you, and to fight the urge to bury issues or problems you’re facing.

Talking openly with your partner about anxiety or mental strain is vital. Reaching out to your support system, be it family members, friends or other dads, can be a lifeline. Finally, get professional support for overwhelming stress, especially before it becomes debilitating.

What can self-care look like for dads?

It feels like stereotyping when we look at self-care through a ‘gendered’ lens. Moms take bubble baths and dads play golf, right? Maybe or maybe not. It’s an individual thing. The trick is reminding yourself of what you love to do, what brings you peace and trying to fit it in as best you can.

Doing this for even a few minutes a day can make an impact, and you can start small. Schedule self-care like you would any other appointment. But also, be kind to yourself. Some days you’ll fit it in, and some days you won’t. Don’t beat yourself up if it’s not perfect. For Riggio, self-care is taking time for video games, writing and exercise. After the kids go to bed, he can sometimes do the first two on the list. “The hardest thing to do is to carve out time to exercise. I wake up at 5 am, and it’s not always 100 percent guaranteed. Sometimes I unintentionally wake up the kids. But sometimes my partner and I go to the gym together,” he said. Physical activity helps him maintain a good level of energy for his family. He adds that making time for a night out with his partner, when childcare is available, can also feel like a reset.

Lifestyle changes

The life of a professional athlete can look vastly different from the average person. And yet, even with unique obligations and privileges, there is an imperative to keep stress at bay, just like any other father. The demands of travel, playing games at night, and inconsistent weekly schedules can hamper Tavares’ energy and quality of sleep.

“It’s important from a performance standpoint, but also for being a parent and husband, the way that I take care of myself and my lifestyle choices and habits, that can help offset some of the [stressors] and allow me to take care of myself the absolute best that I can and get the most amount of sleep each night, so I can feel energized, have a clear head, and go about my day and go on to be able to perform. And also, be there for my family in every possible way,” Tavares said.

If dads are feeling stressed, then prioritizing healthy living and setting boundaries can be part of the solution. Learning to say no and protect personal time can be a game-changer.

“I think we too often get asked to sacrifice all of us in order to play the roles of our jobs and parenting, without remembering that if we lose our sense of identity, we end up lost. So, I think being able to dive into things of interest to myself or ways to express myself, whether that’s through writing or art, help a lot to make sure that I can be the best version of myself for all the roles that life requires of me,” says Palmer.

Reflect, unwind, recharge

If dads are feeling like things are getting to be too much, they should stop for a moment and give themselves the advice that they’re probably already giving their kids when emotions run high. Take a minute to breathe. Get outside and touch the grass. Or hike or run. Do whatever will help change the channel, so to speak.

Reflecting on the positives can improve your mental health. Among the many things Tavares does to improve his performance as a professional hockey player, many also feed into his ability to be a stable, present dad and partner to his wife, Aryne.

“I try to do a bit of breathing before bed and calm my mind. Just getting in good quality rest that lowers my heart rate, bringing oxygen into the body and lungs, to help really slow things down and get in the right state of mind, relieving all the stresses of the day,” he says. And he journals. “That is a good way to feel good about some of the things that I did, to help on the performance side of things with my career, but more importantly, as a person, as a husband, as a father. [I write] things that I’m grateful for, and that I want to improve upon, as I reflect on the day that’s passed,” he continued.

Prioritizing the well-being of dads

The statistics around depression and anxiety in men are undeniably troubling, but the first step toward change is acknowledging that we have a societal issue to address. Fathers should be reminded that stress is both common and manageable, and they don’t have to suffer in silence. Taking time to recharge and address your mental health now can help prevent more serious health consequences down the line. Turns out, what’s good for a Toronto Maple Leaf is good for you, too.