Is Trauma affecting Your Parenting?

It’s a typical Saturday morning at my house. My 12-year-old shouts from her bedroom, “I’ve spilled juice all over my bed!” while my 10-year-old turns up the volume of the TV to drown out the shouting. Meanwhile, my 7-year-old taps me on the shoulder to ask for the iPad charger.

The little, gentle tap on my shoulder is enough to make my body tense and freeze. My jaw is clenched and I can feel the blood pounding in my ears. The combination of noise, chaos and physical touch has overwhelmed all of my senses. I use the excuse that I’m going to go look for the charger as an opportunity to shut myself behind a closed door and take a few deep, grounding breaths.

In my late 20s, when I was a very busy mom of three young children, I started to see a psychiatrist. It was during those sessions that I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), panic disorder, major depression and agoraphobia. My collection of diagnoses didn’t appear overnight—they were developed over a lifetime.

My father left my mother before I was born, and his sporadic reappearances left a wound throughout my childhood. His family’s insular, high-control religion set the rules of belonging, and I never quite fit in. Add to that childhood and adolescent sexual abuse—trauma that rewired me in ways I wouldn’t recognize until adulthood. Untangling all of this required long-term therapy, a process of making sense of the broken pieces rather than "fixing" them.

Parenting with trauma

I had no choice: I had to deal with my trauma and find healthy ways to manage my mental health if I wanted to be a present parent. Healthy parenting is no easy feat—add in a parent who has trauma, and it can feel incredibly isolating and at times defeating.

It was important to know that I wasn’t alone—I joined support groups to connect with other parents who were also navigating mental health challenges. That community and the feeling of connection it created helped me to know that I could find healing and that my children would be okay.

The impact of trauma on parenting

Psychologists that we spoke to stressed the importance of therapy, community care and support when parenting. Whether you have trauma or not, it’s critical to have a solid and engaged network of support.

Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, an Ottawa-based clinical psychologist, also says that a parent with trauma might find certain parenting moments challenging—although that isn’t always the case, and will depend on the parent and the child.

Dr. Dalgleish says that some challenges that may be presented include:

• Challenges with emotional regulation
• Misguided thought patterns about self, others and the world
• Increased anxiety
• Unhealthy coping strategies, including avoidance, suppressing emotions, emotional numbing, and deflection

“Learn to identify your triggers, reactions and emotions,” suggests Dr. Dalgleish. “It's essential to recognize when our reactions are disproportionate to the issue in front of us. While we teach our kids how to cope with their feelings, we also want to model it through what we do with ours.”

Caitlin Slavens, a psychologist and practice owner of Couples to Cradles Counselling in Lethbridge, Alta., says “Breaking generational trauma starts with awareness.”

Slavens adds that there are many ways to change parenting patterns, including:

• Responding instead of reacting, an important, proactive approach in parenting
• Learning to stay regulated in moments of stress
• Apologizing to your kids when you overreact
• Setting healthy boundaries—and holding to them

How can you tell if trauma is impacting your parenting?

It’s important to pay attention to the way you react and what triggers you as a parent. If you think trauma is having negative effects on your parenting, then look for clues.

“One of the first clues is when your reaction is disproportionate to the situation,” said Slavens. “Your child spills juice; you feel this wave of anger or frustration, something that feels so overwhelming and even out of control. That’s your trauma talking.”

Not everyone responds to traumatic events in the same way. Slavens says that another common signal is that “you slip into fight, flight, freeze or fawn modes when responding to your child’s behaviour.”

As you begin to recognize these emotional response patterns you can then take the necessary steps “to pause, reflect and react differently,” she says.

Healing from trauma is an incredibly difficult and at times exhausting process. I try to remind myself that it is a marathon, and not a sprint. There are good days and bad days, and change is usually best made in baby steps.

Slavens encourages parents who are healing from trauma to recognize the incredible steps they’re taking, and to be proud of themselves for the work they’re doing. Parenting can be busy and all-consuming, which is why it takes time to heal. “I recommend making small, incremental changes—committing to therapy, for example, or mindfulness,” she says.

This year I have committed to monthly therapy, an expense that is well worth it, in my opinion. I’ve enjoyed my hour to connect with a therapist and just talk about how I’m feeling, and find strategies for healing. It’s my way of showing up for myself, committing to my mental health journey and, in turn, showing up as a mother.

Apps that help stressed-out parents

Technology has really helped me to independently support myself using easily accessible tools and apps. The following are some apps and tools that I use and help me navigate my stress and triggers while parenting.

• Rootd, an app that supports anyone struggling with panic attacks or anxiety
• PTSD Coach Canada, an app that was developed by Veterans Affairs Canada and helps manage the symptoms associated with PTSD
• Calm, a helpful app for managing stress, improving peace, and finding a sense of calm
• Breathe2Relax, teaches deep breathing techniques
• If you have an iPhone, you can log your feelings in the Health app to get useful insights

Experts:

Dr. Tracy Dalgleish is an Ottawa-based clinical psychologist.

Caitlin Slavens is a psychologist and practice owner of Couples to Cradles Counselling in Lethbridge, Alberta.