Should You Put Your Toddler On A Leash?

Toddler leashes, or safety harnesses, are one of those things, like letting kids eat processed meat from the Golden Arches, that childless people frequently have strong opinions about. But two kids and one domestic pet in, and they’re letting their two-year-old eat a day-old raspberry off the floor. No judgment, but—and here’s a colossal understatement—things change when you become a parent, and decisions are frequently made based on both your needs and those of your child.

The stigma of the child leash

In a world where it seems all eyes (and phone cameras) are always on us, the potential stigma that comes along with using toddler leashes feels very real. Let’s face it, we equate leashes with dogs, and we’re raising humans, not animals.

Unlike the days of yore, when a parent could grit their teeth, nod at the unsolicited advice of a well-meaning granny and move on, parents are now faced with a seemingly crippling barrage of information via the internet and social media. You can find an argument (or a podcast) for or against anything. So, which is it, are leashes good or bad? Today's Parent covered this debate eight years ago, and it’s still rearing its head, with no obvious final answer.

A parent posting on a Reddit thread got straight to the heart of the matter in terms of the shame factor: “Parents can’t win. You’ll get ridiculed for putting a backpack leash on your kid. But you want to know what else will get you ridicule too??? Losing your child. Doesn’t matter if it’s crowded or they’re a runner. Either option—people will give you s%#@. I decided I’d rather get side eyes from people irrelevant to my life than go through the terror of losing track of my kid in a split second. Airport, busy day at the zoo, sports stadium, and other similar busy places + my child aged 2 to 4 = backpack leash. I’m over what others think.”

What is a toddler leash?

Let’s start with the basics. Toddler safety harnesses come in a variety of forms, all designed to keep your kid tethered to you.

• Wrist leashes: Strap one end to your toddler’s wrist, the other to yours.
• Backpack harnesses: Worn like a backpack (often cute and animal-shaped), with a leash attached to the back.
• Torso harnesses: Vest-style that wrap around the chest and waist for a snug, secure fit.

They’re generally used for toddlers through to preschoolers, and some designs grow with your child—think: start with a vest and later switch to a wrist-to-wrist setup as your kid becomes more independent.

When should parents use child harnesses?

Barbara Chutroo, LCSW, MSDMT, who has written about five-point harnesses and their potential harms, doesn’t have an issue with the use of toddler leashes in crowded or potentially dangerous environments.

“A leash is something that allows the child to walk about and keeps them from running into the street, so it’s on the minimal end of restraining children. In a situation where there’s real concern—if you’re in an unfamiliar place, it’s very crowded, or there are lots of vehicles around—having a child on some kind of lead, where they can still move freely, I don’t see as harmful,” she says.

Chutroo believes, rather, that parents should consider the length of time children spend in mechanisms with five-point harnesses, which may completely restrict movement, especially at a point in their development when their neuromuscular systems are developing. Ultimately, though, she feels that if a child has ample opportunity to run free at times when there is no need for the leash, which should be most of the time, then these devices pose no problem.

So, should you put your kid on a leash?

Jennifer Abbatiello, Certified Master Parent Coach and Founder of Your Transformed Family, doesn’t see this as a black and white issue. “The perspective I usually take is that the leash, in and of itself, isn’t inherently harmful; it is how it’s used, how often it’s used and what meaning the child derives from it that matters most,” she says.

If it’s going to keep a parent calm in a stressful environment, then she believes that’s a clear tick mark in the ‘pro’ column of the argument. Abbatiello’s caveat is that parents explain to their child that it’s not a device that’s being used to punish or control them, but a way to keep them safe in a high-risk area. There’s always a stigma about something, so experts tend to agree that you should feel confident in yourself and the choices you’re making to drown out the judgment.

Teach your toddler to stay close without a leash

One thing all experts agree on is how important it is to teach toddlers how to be safe without a leash. Abbatiello encourages parents to look for opportunities to help their children build these skills. She suggests beginning with a grocery store outing.

“You can tell your child at home, ‘we’re going to the grocery store, there will be lots of people, so when we’re there, you can either hold my hand or the grocery cart’,” she says. This will help strengthen your child’s ability to stay close to you.

At the same time, she advises, once you and your child are at the store, if your little one shows you that they are unable to do either—because developmentally, this can be hard, it’s not because they are bad—then let them know that you can see they’re having a hard time staying close. Calmly inform them that they’ll need to go into the grocery cart or stroller until it’s time to try again. “It’s not going to be perfect every time, but you’re building a framework,” she says.

Build trust before you buckle them in

Growing up in the suburbs, for a while our family had one vehicle, which my dad used to go to work. So, I didn’t really go to grocery stores with my mom when I was small, and any busy outings were usually entire family events, like weddings or birthdays, with several other adults available to help.

These days, many parents are raising kids without the help of nearby extended families, yet with the expectations of modern life. Try stuffing in a trip to a grocery or big-box store (because sometimes you have to buy food, a ballet leotard and a wrench all at the same time) with your toddler, during your three-year-old’s two-and-a-half-hour nursery school stint.  Hello, toddler leash, my old pal.

If we find we need to use a ‘hack’, like a toddler harness, then laying that emotional groundwork first may pay dividends later. Child and family psychologist, Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, counsels parents to ensure they have a solid relationship with their children and to set boundaries, not by being harsh or punitive, but by being caring and appropriately firm.

“Your child begins to learn that when mom or dad says ‘a, b or c’, then mom or dad will deliver on ‘a, b or c’. And once you have that dynamic in place, it becomes easier to manage children in those crowded situations or near busy streets,” she says. Dr. Lapointe believes that if used, the harnesses should be used judiciously alongside the teaching of safety skills.

Make learning safety skills fun

The one thing about toddlers is that they usually can’t parse out a teachable moment from a game. So, make learning about safety enjoyable.

In the same way that I taught my preschool children to memorize my phone number by repeatedly singing the digits to the tune of Camila Cabello’s song Havana (6-4-7 oooh na na…), you can do something similar with toddler safety.

“Maybe make up a game where you tell your little one that you’re going to walk down the street together holding hands, and when you arrive at a red light or a stop sign, they should pause and give your hand a tight squeeze,” Abbatiello says. It’s a three-pronged win: they’re spending time with you, they’re having fun, and you’re teaching them what to do at stop signs and red lights.

Helpful tips to keep your little ones safe if you’re not using harnesses

• Teach and practice holding hands in specific locations, like parking lots or when crossing the street
• Use a stroller or wagon in busy areas like amusement parks
• Teach simple safety rules like “stop at the curb” or “stay where you can always see me.”
• Play games that involve staying close or checking in, for example, “Red light, Green light.”
• Teach your children what to do if they get separated from you. For example, if you’re in a store, ask them to find an employee.
• Practice identifying a designated meeting spot in familiar crowded places, like a farmer’s market you go to on weekends.
• Help your kids memorize your name and phone number so they can communicate this information if they do get lost.

The bottom line

To loosely paraphrase one of the takeaways of Jonathan Haidt’s bestselling book, The Anxious Generation, modern parenting has seen a tightening restriction of children’s physical freedom, mixed with a boundless, and arguably more dangerous, autonomy online. If we’re talking about giving kids tools to build a strong and eventually independent foundation, it begins with a secure parental attachment, but also a gradual autonomy, which they crave.

“[Children can be distracted] but they are also attentive. You can say to a child, 'You can run, but I want you to stop at the corner,' and they will, I’ve seen them do that. So, we want to contribute to the child’s maturation process and their capacity to listen to your commands, which are reasonable and appropriate, and which give them some freedom,” Chutroo says.

She believes parents and small children can practice this in a very safe place first, communicate about what they’re allowed to do, and have them show you they understand. Each family and child are, of course, different, and parents will set their own parameters for safety. Chutroo concluded, “The question is who do you want to raise? A competent, autonomous person? Or a fearful, dependent individual?”

Ultimately, caregivers are best placed to understand the safety of the environment they’re placing their children in, as well as their children’s capacity to understand risk. Safety comes first, so if need be, strap that harness on your tot at the airport or amusement park and pay no mind to the inevitable side-eye.

Experts

• Barbara Chutroo, LCSW, MSDMT – Clinical Social Worker and Movement Therapist

• Jennifer Abbatiello, Certified Master Parent Coach, Founder of Your Transformed Family

• Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, Child and Family Psychologist, Author of Discipline Without Damage