How To Encourage Independent Play Without Guilt

If you’ve ever felt guilty for putting your baby down in their crib, or opened the Tupperware cupboard so your toddler could play while you scrolled on your phone, you’re not alone.

With the pressure to be a present parent, encouraging your kiddo to play by themselves can feel wrong, but independence is an important developmental milestone.

From giving your child stronger motor and sensory skills to encouraging their creativity and imagination, independent play is important for all kids to learn. As they begin to gain more independence, their solo playtime will give you that extra time to recharge and relax.

Ready to learn more? We’ve gathered age-specific tips and expert advice on why your child’s independence is good for both of you. Plus, how to give yourself permission to rest for goodness’ sake.

No guilt necessary

Parental guilt is normal, but when it comes to your child’s solo playtime, there is no guilt necessary.

Christopher Mannino, parenting coach and author, says the key is to remember that having them play by themselves is educational. “Don’t let that guilt get to you. You are giving them a skill that they need and are setting them up long term for independence and success,” says Mannino. “Whether your child is a baby, toddler or preschooler, engaging in solo playtime will help them imagine and create entertainment by themselves.”

Your child’s independence is a gift and a major milestone, not a failure of your parenting skills.

Jennifer Kolari, child and family therapist and founder of Connected Parenting, has a similar approach: “One way to think about it is you're helping them build a full brain with all the neural pathways that it needs to self-soothe and feel secure enough to not need you every minute of the day.”

Babies can play independently, too

For babies, independent play might look like stacking baby blocks, playing with stuffed animals, or simply gazing at a mobile while lying in their crib—anything that involves them playing on their own while you are nearby.

Although easier said than done, it’s okay to not hover over your baby at all times. Babies and toddlers need to have a space where they can safely explore their independence. Caitlin Slavens, a registered psychologist and co-founder of Couples to Cradles and Mama Psychologists, says you can supervise independence without hovering over your baby.

“When we constantly hover, narrate and throw different toys in front of our babies, we can disrupt their natural curiosity,” says Slavens. “Set up a safe space where they can explore freely or have a play mat with some simple toys. We don't have to constantly give them things to feed their brain development. That is something that they often do on their own, just through that natural curiosity.”

“When babies come into the world, everything is novel, and they're curious about so much. Developing that independent play really helps them learn how to entertain themselves, how to be patient, and even how to regulate their emotions,” adds Slavens.

If you need ideas for some go-to baby-safe solo play setups, here are a few to consider:

• Set up a playpen with toys for your baby to engage with.
• Have your baby lie in their crib with dolls or stuffed animals within reach.
• Use a tummy time mat for your baby to safely explore their surroundings.
• Have your baby interact with a baby gym.

Ensure that you're in the room and checking in if your baby has toys or other objects in their crib.

Toddlers and the “Watch me!” phase

It’s normal for your toddler to constantly want your attention. Often, they will want you to watch them play because they want to feel safe, seen and important. But just like adults, toddlers need boundaries.

“Toddlers should be able to amuse themselves, even if they’re playing for just a few minutes,” says Kolari. “They love to be seen, and they love to feel important, but there should be times when you should be able to say, ‘You look like you're having a really good adventure there. I'm going to be over here doing what grown-ups need to do.’”

Real talk: It’s okay to not say yes to every “play with me!” There are many ways you can help your toddler get comfortable with independent play.

Mannino's tip is to create an enclosure where you can see your toddlers while you work or complete other tasks, such as arranging baby gates in a circle. That way, if you need to step away, you'll be able to keep an eye on them and know they are safe.

Kolari suggests structuring and organizing their day with pictures. “If their play alone time is on the schedule, that can really help. You can tell them in advance what's happening, and then you can stretch that out every day so it gets a little longer,” says Kolari.

If you're not sure what to do, here are some more strategies you can use:

• Rotate your toys and use toy rotation bins. That way, your toddler’s toys will always feel new and interesting to them.
• Create a “yes space” for safe solo play. This will encourage your child to play without constant supervision.
• Regulate short “you time / me time” routines. Use a timer method and tell your child to play while you complete a task, “You play while I fold clothes.”

Preschoolers are ready to lead their own play

From creativity to problem-solving and confidence, there are so many benefits to independent play at the preschool stage.

"When my kids were little, we would buy them toys, and sometimes they would just play with the box. Kids have amazing imaginations. Parents need to trust that their kids come into this world built to understand and explore the world through play," says Kolari. “They can zoom into a game, time disappears, they’re on an island. Some slip right into that imaginary world really easily.”

Encourage your preschooler to engage with imaginative play by giving them open-ended toys, such as building blocks or quiet-time boxes. Mannino’s method emphasizes creating a supportive environment.

"It really helps to have toys that are nonspecific, such as a box of toy blocks or wooden cubes, because it allows your kid to imagine what they are and what they can do with them," says Mannino.

When your preschooler is playing on their own, Kolari says to take a step back and let them figure it out.

"Don't hover with the Play-Doh. Kids need to learn how to do, how to tolerate, and find ways to figure out how they can amuse themselves without you," says Kolari.

Here are some ideas to boost your child’s independence:

• Visual schedules: Use pictures to outline your child’s daily schedule so they can visualize solo playtime.
• Choice boards: Give your child a choice between two solo activities to get them excited about play.
• Quiet time in their room: Play calm music or give your child a book to flip through during quiet time.

Taking time for yourself isn't selfish, it's survival

Independent play isn’t just important for your child; it also gives you more time for yourself.

“When I was a stay-at-home dad, whenever we would go on an adventure, we needed some chill time the next day,” says Mannino. “They needed time to play by themselves, and I needed time to myself. This is so I could be in a more emotionally stable and regulated place, and so I could connect with them more the next time.”

As your child becomes more comfortable with solo play time, here are some ways you can take care of your wellbeing (no apology necessary): 

• Sit down: Take a breather and spend some time with yourself.
• Eat a full snack: Take the time to eat a full snack and enjoy it.
• Text a friend: Send your friend a quick text to see how they’re doing.
• Scarf a muffin without hiding: Give yourself a sweet treat.

What if my kid just won't play independently?

If you’ve tried to introduce independent play to your child and they just want to cling to you, you’re not alone. It’s normal for your kid to experience clinginess during a big transition or a developmental milestone. The key is to use gentle strategies to build up playtime gradually.

“Some kids need you to tell them what to do, and that can be really challenging,” Kolari says. “If you have a child like that, stretch out the time so they can play for five minutes by themselves. And when they do that, you're like, ‘What happened in your imaginary world? Tell me about what you just did.’ The next day, you can try to make it a little longer.”

Here are some gentle strategies you can incorporate into your child’s daily routine: 

• Start with one minute: Start by setting a timer for one minute and try to encourage your child to play independently for the allotted time.
• Praise post-play: Make your child feel like they accomplished something with some praise. This could be as simple as a “You did that all by yourself!” or “Good job!”.
• Slowly increase duration: As your child gets more comfortable playing on their own, you can increase the duration of independent play.

Every child has their own learning journey. Independent play is a skill that your child learns and nurtures over time, not a trait that they inherently have.

Independence is learned, not expected

Emphasizing progress over perfection in your baby’s solo playtime journey is the goal. You are your baby’s partner in growth and development, not their full-time, on-demand entertainers.

“I like to phrase it as a skill that we need to teach our kids from when they're babies. Anything that you need to learn takes practice,” says Slavens. “Our society gives moms this pressure that we need to entertain our kids from sunup to sundown. But that isn't facilitating any creativity, any kind of independent thought, or any creative thinking.”

Slavens says that the earlier parents start by not constantly entertaining their children, the more creative their kids will be in their independence. "Kids need to be bored. That is a normal feeling, and that's where that creativity kicks in. Reframe independence to be positive for child development," she says.

Experts

• Caitlin Slavens is a registered psychologist and co-founder of Couples to Cradles Counselling and MamaPsychologists.
• Christopher Mannino is a parenting coach and author of “Making it Up,” a book about bonding with kids through play.
• Jennifer Kolari is a child and family therapist and the founder of Connected Parenting.