5 Ways To Show Your Toddler Love Every Day

Driving home with my teenage daughter the other day, post-skating lesson, I spotted a dad slowly walking up the sidewalk, blowing raspberries onto his giggling toddler’s tummy. Cue crying eye emoji. I looked back at my daughter, now basically my height, wondering where on earth the time had gone.

For parents in the toddler trenches, the years do fly by, even if it doesn’t feel like it now. Life gets busy and overwhelming. But there are some simple ways to nurture your bond with your little one, strengthening their self-esteem and connection with you, taking them right through to the teenage years and beyond.

Why the toddler years matter so much

According to the Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development, the early years of human development, from conception to ages six to eight, see the establishment of the basic architecture and function of the brain. Scientists understand, through neurodevelopmental biology, that these early experiences can affect a child’s future physical and mental health, behaviour, and learning.

Tracy Cassels, PhD and Director of Evolutionary Parenting, puts it simply: even though toddlers might be walking and talking, their brains are still very much in the early stages of development. From one to three years old, children are still technically in infancy from a brain development point of view. “Developing a strong attachment with caregivers at this stage is so important. A child is building up an understanding of how they socialize,” she says.

At this stage, a toddler’s whole social world is made up of close family and caregivers. Between 12 and 18 months, you’ll start to notice your little one responding to things like conflict and distress.

They begin to show emotions when they do something wrong, not because they’re trying to misbehave, but because they’re just starting to figure out what’s okay and what’s not. They still don’t have impulse control, so how we react to them really shapes how safe and supported they feel.

How to deal with tantrums in a loving way

Enter the tantrum. Every single parent has been through it, and often in front of an audience. Sweat pools in places that shouldn’t be mentioned, toddlers scream as though they’re enduring unimaginable pain (but really it’s because they just weren’t finished at the park). How we respond in these moments is also about love and attachment.

Jennifer Abbatiello, Certified Master Parent Coach and Founder of Your Transformed Family, explains that when a toddler is having a hard time, they need their caregiver to help them through it. “It doesn’t mean we are not holding boundaries, but we also need to help them know they are still lovable and that we are here to help them,” she said.

Your toddler isn't giving you a hard time...

Both Cassels and Abbatiello point to the oft-repeated refrain that your child is ‘not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. ’  Parents should try to remember that it’s not about them, and that toddlers are allowed to have feelings, and that all feelings are acceptable.

Cassels has sage advice for parents holding things together during toddler tantrums. She often tells parents to get to a place that feels safe, sit down and allow their child to be upset around them.

Explain that they are there for them when they are ready, creating a sense of security. “I’ve done this before, and I repeat to myself ‘I am a rock in the middle of the ocean’,” she said. Regulating yourself allows you to help regulate your child.

Prioritize quality time and focused attention

Toddlers are going to have tantrums. That's just reality. Want fewer tantrums? The answer is simple.

Toddlers (and most kids) just want your undivided attention and affection. Parents can fall into the trap of thinking that grand gestures are the ticket to obtaining their small child’s happiness. But they can often lead to more tension.

And if you don’t believe me, take a field trip to a theme park anywhere in the world on any given July afternoon and report back on how many calm, peaceful toddlers you find. Of course, you want to make memories and do the big things, but truth be told, your toddler really only needs lots of the little things. Namely, a few, seemingly unremarkable minutes each day with you.

P.L.A.Y. time

Modern parenting can feel burdensome at times. “I work with many parents who are trying to do everything, which is not possible and comes at a cost to both parents and children. We think we need to keep children engaged at all times, but there’s value in giving kids unstructured time where we’re not orchestrating everything,” says Abbatiello.

Just make sure to fit in some structured quality time. With toddlers, carving out three to ten minutes a day of one-on-one attention and physical affection can do wonders.

Abbatiello has devised an easy-to-remember acronym that covers this idea of short, focussed time with your toddler.

‘P’ stands for being present. Put away all distractions (yup, phones) in this time you’ve set aside with your little one.

‘L’ is for labelling. Name this time. Whether you call it special time with mom or dad or one-on-one, let your toddler know that it’s a time earmarked for them. 

‘A’ is for activity. Let them choose the activity and follow their lead.

‘Y’ stands for your time together. Your toddler might see you folding laundry, and they might want to help you.

The wonderful thing is, they don’t really differentiate between work and play at this stage in child development; they see it as spending time with you. “It can build habits and show them that in your family, you work together and help each other,” Abbatiello said.

The ‘five more minutes’ trick

Your tiny tot may not happily acquiesce the second your timer rings or when you announce that your special time is now over. In this case, Cassels suggests setting the timer to go off a little before the ten-minute mark (or however much time you’ve designated for one-on-one time).

When it goes off, and if your toddler protests, you can say, ‘ok, how about five more minutes?’ If your child gets upset after the ‘extra’ time, validate their feelings, and let them know that you’d much rather be playing with them, but you have to get on with other tasks.

According to Cassels, another way to create a moment of connection or strengthen your bond with your toddler during the day is to set a reminder to acknowledge them in a special way. This might come as a compliment, like telling them you saw how hard they worked on a drawing or letting them know that you saw them tidy up their toys that morning and noticed how helpful that was.

Your toddler’s love language

Adults prefer a certain way of receiving love, so it stands to reason that toddlers do as well. Receiving love helps build resilience. When we show them love in the good and not-so-good times, they learn that they can get through hard moments with our support.

How can we figure out our kiddo’s love language? Follow the smiles and the giggles, as Abbatiello says. When they're little, it might be hard to narrow down their love language specifically to "acts of service" or "words of affirmation", for instance. 

So just be there for them and with them. Maybe it’s forming a connection while laughing over a funny TV show, or getting cozy on a comfy chair and reading a book. Again, it doesn’t have to be elaborate, but you’re going for a consistent, predictable closeness.

How routines help

Routines have a role to play in strengthening your bond with your toddler. This could include a bedtime ritual of stories and snuggles. Or perhaps it’s Sunday morning pancakes, where they ‘help’ prepare breakfast in an age-appropriate way.

But be mindful of getting caught up in the rigidity of structure and pay attention to your child’s needs. For example, if a routine dictates that a toddler goes to bed at exactly the same time every night, it can create tension if they aren’t quite tired yet.

Cassels gives the example of a ritual she created when her daughter was a toddler. Rather than put her to bed early, she would set out specific toys in the family room in the evening and allow her daughter to play quietly in the dimmed room until she was tired, while she chatted with her husband on the couch. "This models a caring relationship between parents and shows kids how to be in a healthy relationship. It cultivates a sense of security and connection, fostering belonging and love,” Cassels said.

Be intentional 

Ultimately, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. Being intentional about taking some time to connect with our toddlers every day, even briefly, strengthens our bond with them, which will serve them as older children, teens, and young adults.

So, dole out those tummy raspberries as though you’ve got a never-ending supply, if this is how you and your toddler connect. Take just a few minutes each day to show your child love and to let them know that you see and understand them. Rest assured, you will both draw on those precious, banked moments as they get older and be grateful that you invested in love.

Simple ideas for toddler special time

• Create a bedtime routine that allows for togetherness, like your toddler sitting on your lap in a comfy chair, reading stories
• Let your toddler help you make breakfast on a weekend morning, when things aren’t so rushed
• Have your toddler ‘help’ you do a chore, like folding laundry. Walk them through the steps, show them what to do, and put things away together. Toddlers see this as together time, not as work.
• Short play time. Let your toddler choose an activity, like a simple puzzle or building something with big blocks. The key is letting them choose.
• If you have a garden, depending on the time of year, go outside for a few minutes and show your kiddo what flowers are popping up. You can also lie on the grass and look at the birds flying around and listen to the sounds they make, talking about the things you are seeing and hearing.

Experts

• Tracy Cassels is a PhD and Director of Evolutionary Parenting
• Jennifer Abbatiello is a Certified Master Parent Coach and the Founder of Your Transformed Family