The weirdest “WTF” pregnancy products

It’s never too early to start preparing your little Nobel Prize winner-to-be. Enter the BabyPlus Prenatal Education System. Budding tiger moms can start forcing their babies’ brains to develop from 18 weeks gestation with twice-daily, through-the-belly lessons developed “with a solid understanding of earliest neuroscience.” Strap on the fuzzy fanny pack and let the BabyPlus player provide your wee Einstein with the “very sounds of a child’s natural prenatal auditory environment, the maternal heartbeat”—which, if you think about it, your kiddo should already be hearing because she is inside you and you have a heartbeat (no fanny pack required). $145, amazon.com

You’re committed to shaving your legs up to week 40, but you can no longer reach that tricky spot just behind your ankle bone. Keep calm and get a Giraffe Razor Extension Handle to help you go-go-gadget your razor to the farthest reaches of your lower limbs. Or, you know, just treat yourself to a professional salon wax. (Another perfectly acceptable solution is to simply be at peace with temporarily furry ankles—it’s not like you can see them anyway.) $30, amazon.ca

Are you desperate to experience the searing burn of crowning before you squeeze an infant out of your birth canal? Thanks to the Epi-No Delphine Plus, you can feel the burn (repeatedly) well before giving birth while toning your pelvic floor. Just insert the silicone balloon so that it’s half in and half out of your vagina. Gradually inflate the balloon with the air pump and hose—remember to check the pressure gauge frequently—and wince. In all seriousness, taking care of your pelvic floor is important: Doing regular sets of Kegels can help prevent uterine prolapse and incontinence, and pre-birth perineal massage can minimize tearing and episiotomies. Fortunately, these techniques are free and don’t require spending significant amounts of your precious free time with equipment that looks like a bike pump positioned inside a body orifice. $197, pelviennewellness.com

Scientific studies show that babies in utero respond to music. And while you can strap speakers to your bump or sing in your baby’s general direction, how do you know that your little bundle is really getting all the nuances of Bey’s latest single? Try Babypod, the only “scientifically guaranteed” speaker for your vag. The system is, of course, controlled by a smartphone app, and the volume is capped at 54 decibels to be safe for tiny ears. Best of all, the vibrating sound waves are perfectly safe for mom and baby. According to the Babypod site, “That’s why sex toys are allowed during pregnancy.” So break out the Mozart because “Rock Me Amadeus” just took on a whole new meaning. $194, babypod.net

Used a radio, TV, smartphone or microwave oven while pregnant? Are you reading this on a WiFi network or near power lines? Congratulations, you’ve exposed yourself and your fetus to harmless non-ionizing radiation. If you’re not a fan of science—or  recommendations by the World Health Organization, for that matter—feel free to shell out 100 bucks for this radiation-proof blanket. Essentially, it’s the preggo equivalent of a tinfoil hat. $100, indigo.ca

After giving a urine sample at every prenatal appointment, you’ve probably peed on your hands more in the past few months than in the rest of your life combined. If you’re such a delicate flower that touching a few drops of your own urine is too much for you, pony up US$7.50 (plus shipping and taxes) and get yourself We Collect. This specialized pee-collection spoon has a long handle and a spouted urine cup so that you can keep your hands far from the offending stream. You’re sure to look back fondly on the time and money you spent trying to avoid your own pee when your baby fires a golden spray all over your torso as you change his diaper. $9, mumstuff.com