Mazel Tov! The world’s first pregnant superhero is here. Jessica Drew (aka Spider-Woman), who debuted in 1977, will appear looking very, very preggo on the cover of an upcoming edition of her rebooted comic. While Spider-Woman’s super human strength, agility, speed, reflexes and stamina are no doubt going to come in handy when she finds herself chasing a toddler chanting “Backpack! Backpack!” through Walmart, the added superpowers of pregnancy are sure to up her game, too.
Here, in no particular order, are the secret powers that every pregnant woman possesses:
1. You pass gas that can flatten a Mac truck, blow the doors off Magneto’s secret lair and disintegrate Lex Luthor in a single powerful lady puff.
2. You are telekinetic. You can make a Haagen Dazs bar leave the freezer and float into your hands every night precisely at 9 p.m.
3. You are also a telepath. On the subway, with one laser-like look you can tell some perfectly able-bodied person taking up the priority seating that she’s an a**hole for not offering you her seat but, it’s OK, she’s probably exhausted from being an asshole all day so should probably rest and catch up on Facebook.
4. You can smell things a full minute before anyone else can, especially if those things are a) a beef patty or b) Jon Snow.
5. You are a voracious second-trimester hypersexual vagina dentata, consuming anything and everything—husbands, convenient couch corners, innocent bystanders—that falls into your path.
6. You waddle so well that the ducks make you their mistress. Then you, like, command all the ducks!
7. You can heat any room on command.
8. You can annihilate the entire fridge in one single bound.
9. You can fall asleep anytime, anywhere. Client meeting? No problem! Concrete slab? Looks comfy!
10. You can create floods—floods of hot, salty tears triggered by things like (but not limited to): Peanut butter commercials, heartwarming tales of helpful dogs, the bus arriving ten minutes late, a rock that looks lonely, celebrity breakups (Jen! Ben! WTF?) and questions like: “Should you be eating that this early in the morning?”
At the end of all this, you make a human. Now you are a Mom. New superpowers ensue.
To be continued…
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