Why I Don't Make My Kids Share (Especially On Playdates)

I can feel the side-eye in the middle of a chaotic birthday party. My daughter is happily deep in a “mission” with a plastic toy jeep she found, while another toddler—and their parent—hover close by, waiting for a turn.

This is where the pressure to look like a “good mom” kicks in. It’s the moment many of us jump in with a performative: “OK, honey, let’s share now.”

I’ve been there. I’ve pried toys out of my firstborn’s hands, frantic to signal to the other parents that I’m raising a polite child. But I’ve started to realize that prying a toy away isn’t teaching generosity; it’s just teaching her that her “work” doesn’t matter as much as everyone else’s comfort.

We’re not parenting; we’re performing

We’ve all seen it: a group of adults hovering over a minor kid dispute like it’s an actual crisis. There is a chorus of “Sharing is caring!” that we rarely stop to question.

Why do we do this? Because the social pressure is very real. Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow and author of Free-Range Kids, says our own anxiety is often the loudest voice in the room. “Our heart is in our mouths,” she says. “Parents don’t want their child to be frustrated or take a risk, however tiny, or do something mean or stupid or rude … it is all painful to watch. Doubly painful in front of others!”

Much of our discomfort stems from wanting to look like good parents in front of other parents, but our kids don't benefit much. At home, with four kids, if I intervened in every sharing conflict, I would do nothing else all day. My go-to is now simple: “If you can’t figure this out, one of us is setting a timer. You’ve got this.” The toy gets passed on when the timer is up, but if they work it out themselves, they get to set the terms.

The work of play

As Nora Hidalgo, coach training director at the Simplicity Parenting Institute, explains, when a child plays, we have to understand it as their “work.”

“If we rush them to share before that’s in place, it can actually make them more protective, not less,” she says. Hidalgo points out that when we interrupt a child mid-play, we’re breaking their concentration and creating deep frustration. Younger children are also still developing a core sense of “mine,” and they need to feel ownership before they can feel generosity.

We call it “sharing” when we ask it of kids, but we’d call it an “ambush” if it happened to us. Imagine you are finally in the middle of a relaxing bath, or you’ve just sat down to watch the show you’ve been waiting for all week. Now, imagine someone taps your shoulder and says, “Can I have the remote now? It’s my turn for the tub.” Or picture that you’re in the middle of an important work call and someone interrupts you and takes over your meeting. You wouldn’t feel generous; you’d feel resentful.

Are we accidentally rewarding the wrong behaviour?

When we force a child to hand over a toy just because another child wants it, we aren’t actually teaching “sharing.” We might be inadvertently rewarding the child who is the loudest, most persistent or quickest to call for backup.

It teaches kids that persistence beats patience and that getting an adult involved is the fastest way to “win.” There is a bit of bullying here: some kids learn to push harder to get what they want, while others learn that their own focus and experience can be snatched away at any moment if someone else complains loud enough.

How to step back without the awkwardness

If you want to move away from that “referee” energy and give yourself and your kid a break, try this:

• To the other parent: “I’m trying to let them work it out on their own today. Don’t feel like you need to jump in for my sake!”
• To the waiting child: “She’s still using that right now. You can have a turn as soon as she’s finished.”
• To your own child: “It looks like you’re right in the middle of something. When you’re all done with the jeep, can you let [Name] know?”

Then comes the hardest part: actually step away.

Ending the performance

Whether it’s the toy jeep or a turn on the playground seesaw, I’ve found that when I don’t intervene, my kids eventually finish their “work” and hand it over naturally. Sometimes it’s messy, but I’d rather my kids take the lead than follow my forced directions.

As Skenazy so aptly puts it: “We should start to see the parent who doesn’t intervene as the parent who believes in their child. Not just a time of total peace. That’s a strange goal for childhood.”

Playdates or parties can actually be less awkward and stressful when we stop being hovering narrators. When we own our confidence as parents, we show other parents that it’s okay to let kids figure things out. And we might actually get to have a real conversation with another adult while the kids do their work.