What To Do When Your Kid's Pet Dies

In our home, my seven-year-old is the hamster whisperer and amazing at hand-training these “pocket pets.” Ellie had bonded with her hamster in a way I never expected. She fed “Chubby” treats from the palm of her hand, watched TV with her pal sleeping on her chest, and made little cardboard mazes for her hamster to race through.

But earlier this winter, I sensed something wasn’t right. Our beloved pet was sleeping a lot, was no longer running on her wheel, and seemed generally unwell. Previously, we had let our first hamster fade away and pass naturally at home, but I could tell that Chubby was suffering, and after a week, I decided to make a vet appointment.

I sat down with Ellie and asked her if she would like to come to the appointment. We discussed all the options, but I focused on the most likely one: that this would be an appointment to say goodbye to Ellie’s beloved friend and send her off to a peaceful, eternal sleep. 

My instincts were correct, Chubby had a tumour and, at over two years old, was very elderly. The vet suggested humane euthanasia at the hefty price of $300. I didn’t even blink an eye. “Yes, we’d like to move forward,” I said. 

How we said goodbye to our hamster

Ellie spent time saying goodbye to her friend, and then the vet put our sweet wee pet to sleep. It was both heartbreaking and beautiful. When we drove home, Ellie insisted on listening to the “Hamster Dance” song, a shocking request that we eagerly obliged. We boogied in our seats while driving home, and then Ellie placed the bitty paw prints the vet had given her in a special spot in her room. 

Choosing euthanasia was a pricey option—and one that ranges in price depending on the size of the pet—but it seemed to help facilitate a positive death experience for my very young and sensitive child. It doesn’t mean her grief passed instantly, but it allowed us to have agency over a heartbreaking loss, while also feeling like we gave our beloved pet a dignified and peaceful death.

Children do not all experience grief the same, but there are things that we can do to help them through loss.

“Children’s grief responses fall on a very wide spectrum,” says Natalie Brunswick, a trauma and perinatal therapist who specializes in helping families with highly sensitive members. “Some may cry immediately, some may seem uninterested or unaffected, and others might ask a lot of factual questions. Every reaction can be normal, reflecting a child’s developmental stage and their temperament.”

How should parents talk to their children about the death of a family pet?

No matter how long our pets live with us, or what their size is, they leave big imprints on our lives. 

Brunswick says it is important that kids feel emotionally safe and secure before they can process grief. 

“Safety often depends on how connected they feel to us, and how attuned we are to them,” says Brunswick. “Things like offering eye contact, a soothing tone of voice and sitting close by. Once they feel connected to us, we can give a simple, concrete, and honest explanation.”

She says that explaining death to your child should involve clear, not vague, explanations. It’s best not to say things like “your pet went to sleep,” because that can be confusing to a child who will then expect them to wake up. Instead, Brunswick says you can say: “Our pet’s body stopped working.”

Our family has experienced the death of pets and beloved family members and so naturally, our kids often ask questions about death, their own bodies, and ours. 

If your child is experiencing “death anxiety”, which is completely natural, assures Brunswick, you might want to incorporate some helpful cognitive strategies to support them. Brunswick suggests the following conversation starters you may try:

• “Feel mommy’s heartbeat. Feel how strong it is? That’s a sign that Mommy’s body is very strong and healthy.”
• “Come, let’s jump on the bed! See how high you can jump? Feel how strong your legs are. That’s how you know your body isn’t going to stop working!”

Why ritual is important in processing grief

Having an ongoing conversation and practicing certain rituals can really help with the way that your child processes their grief. 

This spring, we are creating a memorial garden for some of our pets who have passed, as well as to remember some family members we have lost. We will have a beautiful space to remember our loved ones that we can visit anytime. 

“Ritual is known to be a huge part of the processing we all instinctively need to do to move through grief,” says Brunswick. “As a culture in the west…we tend to lack the rituals and structures needed to hold space for the very normal grief we all need to move through. So, as a parent, it’s so helpful for us to create rituals to honour our pet and create a container for the grief our child or children are feeling.”

Brunswick suggests the following for shared rituals you can facilitate with your child to help them process their grief. 

• Family memorial or ceremony: Some families might choose to have a “ceremony” or “funeral” for their pet; you can also plant a tree or a flower in remembrance. Or consider donating to a local animal shelter in your pet’s name.
• Storytelling and shared memories: Remembering your pet together can be a healing experience for the whole family. Consider sharing memories at the dinner table, looking through photos together or gathering items of your pets that you want to keep in a safe place.
• Creative expression: Your child might enjoy drawing pictures or writing a poem for their pet, or about how they’re feeling. You can also spend time together making a memory box or scrapbook, which Brunswick says “can help externalize grief in a tangible way.”

How can I support my child through their grief?

At the end of the day, if a parent asks how they can support their grieving child, they are already taking the right step. 

A child needs a dependable adult to provide them with security and guidance, and grief doesn’t change that. Brunswick shares that a parent’s role should be both a caring and confident presence, one that says, “I’ve got you; I’m here to take care of things.” 

Kids’ books about pet death and grief

• The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst
• Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corrine Demas 
• When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers
• The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
• Daisy’s Dog Dies by Caroline Pearcy