What To Do When Your Kid Comes Out

In my work with teenagers, I have had many conversations about the vulnerable and meaningful moment of coming out to their parents. I have had the opportunity to support many teens in planning what they want to say and how they want to share this insight into their identity and lives.

Teenagers with the most supportive families can still feel nervous about sharing this side of themselves with their loved ones. On the other hand, teens who are certain that their identity will not be met with support still have a deep desire to be fully known by their families.

Parents may have the best intentions, but aren’t sure how to respond. Whether teens are sharing their sexual orientation, gender identity, or both, your response as a parent can significantly impact their mental health, self-esteem, and trust in your relationship. As parents and caregivers navigating this, it’s vital to approach the situation with understanding, empathy, and support.

Understanding the spectrum of coming out

Coming out can encompass many aspects of identity. Your teen might share that they are:

• Lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB): Identifying as attracted to the same or multiple genders.
• Transgender: Identifying with a gender different from the biological sex assigned at birth.
• Gender fluid or genderqueer: Feeling their gender identity shifts or doesn’t fit traditional categories. Teens might express that they go by “all pronouns,” meaning they are open to using he, she or they.
• Asexual or aromantic: Experiencing little to no sexual or romantic attraction.
• Nonbinary: Not identifying exclusively as male or female- may want to use a pronoun such as they/them.

No one-size-fits-all approach exists for coming out. Each experience is unique.

The impact of your words

Research shows that parental reactions to a teen’s coming out can have profound effects on their mental health and well-being. According to the Family Acceptance Project, supportive parental responses reduce risks of depression, substance abuse and suicidal ideation in LGBTQ+ youth (Ryan et al., 2010).

In our course, Making AdoleSense, we have an entire section on sexuality and identity. We discuss the mental health implications of parental support and detail the differences between identity, orientation, sex, and expression. Check it out for more support! We have created this brief dos and don’ts list to give you the language and simple phrases to have in your back pocket.

What to say

Here are positive phrases and approaches that affirm your teen’s identity and strengthen your relationship:

1. "Thank you for trusting me with this." Acknowledging their courage reassures them that they made the right choice in sharing with you and that you have their back.
2. "I love you, and that will never change." Reinforcing unconditional love provides a sense of safety and acceptance. Try this phrase instead of “I love you no matter what,” which implies that you love them even if they have done something wrong.
3. "I’m here to support you. What makes you feel supported?" Offering support invites them to express their needs and shows your willingness to adapt. This also shows that you are in it with them.
4. "I’m proud of you for being true to yourself." Validating their identity builds confidence and trust in your relationship.
5. "I may not have all the answers, but I want to learn and understand." Expressing a willingness to educate yourself demonstrates your commitment to supporting them. Make sure that your teen knows that you are open to learning from them and that you are also going to do your own research.

What not to say

Certain phrases, even if unintended, can cause harm or create distance between you and your teen. Here are examples to avoid:

1. "Are you sure? Maybe it’s just a phase." This dismisses their feelings and invalidates their identity. Identity and orientation can sometimes be fluid, meaning that they shift and change. This is different from a phase, and supporting your teen in the present moment will help build trust and connection between you as they develop.
2. "Why didn’t you tell me sooner?" This places undue pressure on them and shifts focus away from their bravery in coming out.
3. "But what will people think?" This implies shame and prioritizes societal judgment over your teen’s well-being.
4. "I just don’t understand this. It’s confusing." While honest confusion is natural, framing it this way can make your teen feel unsupported. Try the phrase suggested above “I may not have all the answers, but I want to learn and understand instead.”
5. "This doesn’t change how I feel, but don’t tell anyone else." This suggests that their identity is something to be hidden or ashamed of. Also, avoid discouraging your teen from coming out to other people in their life, like peers, grandparents, and other relatives or friends. Remember that it is your teen’s choice who they share this personal part of their life with.

Practical parenting strategies

• Educate yourself: Learn about your teen’s identity through reputable resources, such as PFLAG, The Trevor Project, or GLSEN. Understanding the terms and challenges they face shows your commitment to their well-being. We have linked a full list of resources at the end of this post.
• Create a safe space: Reassure your teen that they can share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection. For instance, say, “You can always talk to me about anything, and I’ll listen.”
• Be patient: Coming out is often a process, not a one-time event. Your teen may share more about their identity over time as they feel comfortable and as they learn more about themselves. Respect their pace and don’t pressure them to share more than they’re ready to.
• Respect their privacy: Your teen’s identity is theirs to share. Avoid telling others without their consent, even close family members.
• Advocate for them: Support your teen in standing up against discrimination or bullying. Work with their school to ensure they have a safe and affirming environment, including using appropriate names and pronouns.

Addressing challenges together

While many parents accept their teen’s identity with open arms, it’s natural to have questions or concerns. Here’s how to navigate challenges:

• If you feel uncertain: Take time to process your emotions privately, not in front of your teen. Seek guidance from trusted professionals or support groups.
• If extended family disagrees: It should not be your teen’s burden to take on judgment or lack of understanding from other people in their life. Be their advocate and affirm your support.
• If your teen faces societal challenges: Equip them with coping strategies and encourage resilience. Remind them they are not alone.

Why support matters

Your support is crucial in your teen’s development, view of themselves, and potentially their safety. Supportive parenting is linked to better outcomes for LGBTQ+ youth. The Trevor Project’s National Survey (2022) found that LGBTQ+ teens with at least one supportive adult in their lives are 40% less likely to attempt suicide. By being that support system, you’re playing a vital role in their health and happiness.

When your teen comes out, it’s an opportunity to deepen your relationship and show your unconditional love. While it may feel unfamiliar or challenging at first, your willingness to listen, learn, and support them will make all the difference.