What is Positive Discipline? A Guide for Parents

We all want to do what's best for our children—and a key component of that is learning how to effectively discipline them. The good news is that today's parenting experts have studied the topic exhaustively, looking for compassionate (yet effective) options that don't involve yelling.

A method that has gained traction over the past few years is called "positive discipline." Popularized by author and parenting expert Dr. Jane Nelsen, positive discipline is an approach that focuses on fostering cooperation, mutual respect and problem-solving skills. The ultimate goal, as with other parenting styles, is equipping children with the tools they need to thrive.

We did the homework so you don't have to. Here's a guide to positive discipline, from terminology to tips for implementing it.

What is positive discipline and how does it work?

Positive discipline is a parenting approach focused on teaching and guiding children rather than punishing them—it's kind and firm at the same time. It highlights the importance of understanding the child's perspective and addressing the underlying reasons for misbehaviour, rather than simply correcting it.

In her book Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills, Dr. Jane Nelsen emphasizes the ways this approach is designed to teach children responsibility, respect and problem-solving. She also explains the distinction between positive parenting and permissive parenting: the former sets clear boundaries and expectations for all parties involved to raise self-disciplined, responsible and cooperative children. The latter involves setting almost no boundaries and acting more like a friend than a parent.

"This method encourages children to learn from their mistakes while maintaining a warm, supportive relationship with their caregivers," says Janet Bayramyan, a licensed clinical social worker and the owner of Road to Wellness Therapy in California. "It involves setting clear boundaries and expectations, but with kindness and empathy, [as] promoting long-term learning and emotional regulation."

Understanding the four criteria of positive discipline

Four criteria make up the concept of positive discipline, each of which serves a different purpose and function.

1. Kind and firm at the same time

There's a delicate balance between compassion and authority that must be kept. Renowned Austrian psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs highlighted the importance of this in his work, arguing that kindness demonstrates respect for a child while firmness indicates respect for the adults involved and the situation at hand. For example, parents can offer choices (when possible) to make directions a bit easier for a child, whether that's asking if they want to be read one bedtime story or two before final lights-out.

2. Helps children feel a sense of belonging and significance

One way to help children feel a sense of belonging is through emotional connection. "When children feel connected, they are more likely to cooperate and communicate openly," says Bayramyan. "Validation teaches them that their emotions are important and normal, which helps them develop emotional intelligence and resilience. This also reduces power struggles because children feel respected and are less likely to act out for attention or control."

3. Is effective long-term

Positive discipline is generally more effective in the long term than other disciplinary methods."Discipline that relies on physical punishment, shame or punitive measures may produce short-term compliance, but it often lacks meaningful, long-term impact," says Emily Morehead, MA, LPC-S, therapist and co-owner of The Couch Therapy. "By choosing positive discipline, parents intentionally respond to behaviour in a way that nurtures growth, recognizing that addressing the underlying need leads to more sustainable change."

4. Teaches valuable social and life skills

Positive discipline teaches children valuable social and life skills that can be transferred to other areas of their lives. According to Dr. Nelsen, positive discipline illustrates the concepts of respect, concern for others, problem solving and cooperation. These are beneficial skills for everyday life, whether at home, school or in the larger community.

Positive discipline versus other parenting styles

Positive discipline isn't the only type of parenting style out there. Other common styles include authoritative, permissive and uninvolved.

• Authoritative: An authoritative parenting style focuses on control, with little warmth, and doesn't give children much of a voice in any matter. "It lacks communication, warmth and understanding and can lead to fear, rebellion or low self-esteem," says Bayramyan.
• Permissive: Permissive parenting is high on warmth, but low on control. It can lead to a lack of boundaries and difficulty with self-regulation in children. Some may develop difficulty with authority figures in their lives.
• Uninvolved: Uninvolved parenting is low on both warmth and control, and this can lead to emotional and behavioural problems down the line. "Kids that experience neglect grow up feeling like they have to figure things out in life on their own, which leads to them having poor self-esteem and not understanding who they are or what their values are," says Bayramyan.

Unlike these parenting styles, positive discipline seeks to find a balance between warmth and control, fostering a healthy relationship between parents and children. "Positive discipline is highly involved and supportive, fostering a sense of security and belonging," says Bayramyan.

Positive discipline tools and techniques for parents

When it comes to implementing positive discipline in daily life, there are a few techniques that may make the process easier.

• Family meetings: Set up regular meetings to discuss issues and make decisions together. Set rules and expectations so everyone is on the same page.
• Logical consequences: If a child does something they weren't supposed to, then consequences will follow as a result. With that said, try to ensure the consequences are related to the misbehaviour, so they can make the connection and learn from the mistake.
• Natural consequences: Instead of constantly protecting your child, allow them to experience the natural outcomes of their choices (only if it's safe, of course).
• Encouragement vs. praise: To get positive behaviours to stick, praise effort and improvement as well as results. This will give children the motivation to keep practicing and engaging in a healthy way.
• Time-outs: In periods of high stress, you can use time-outs as a cooling-off period—not as punishment for your child.
• Active listening: Practice active listening when your child is talking to you rather than simply talking over them. Pay attention to the child's feelings and perspective, and make them feel heard.

Positive parenting tips for toddlers

You know the phrase "the terrible twos," and that comes from the idea that it's difficult to discipline a toddler. When it comes to how to discipline a two-year-old, there are a few tactics you can try:

• Redirect: If you can, try to offer alternative activities or objects to distract your child from unwanted behaviour. For example, you can say, "Let's play with this toy instead" or "We colour on paper."
• Set clear limits: A toddler can't understand much, however, they are generally attuned to the concept of yes and no. Try to communicate expectations simply and consistently.

• Use time-outs: Instead of using a time-out as a punitive measure, you can use a time out as a way to help your child regulate and cool off. Encourage them to sit for a few minutes until they've calmed down a bit.
• Encourage independence: Instead of being a helicopter parent, you can give yourself permission to let your two-year-old learn and grow by themselves with safe boundaries, of course. Let them figure out how the world works on their own and guide them as necessary—this will help your mental health, too.
• Focus on connection: Try to spend quality time with your toddler, engaging in activities they enjoy whether that's playing with blocks or kicking a soccer ball.

Positive parenting tips for four-year-olds

Four-year-olds are known for throwing tantrums, engaging in defiance, and expressing aggression. Positive discipline can help address these four-year-old behaviour issues and concerns.

• Remain patient: Nobody likes a tantrum, however, it's likely to happen since four-year-olds tend to have difficulty expressing their thoughts and emotions. Remember to remain calm, validate the child's feelings and offer support in the best way you can.
• Expect defiance: Children are eager to test the water to see what they can get away with and what's allowed. If they are showing signs of defiance, then you'll want to set clear expectations, offer choices and use positive reinforcement.
• Channel aggression: If you notice your child is being aggressive, then you'll want to teach alternative ways to express anger, such as using words or taking a break.
• Keep bedtime consistent: In some cases, children will be resistant to going to bed at bedtime. Make it easier for yourself and them by establishing a consistent bedtime routine and creating a relaxing environment.

Positive parenting tips for children 5 to 12

Children and older kids between the ages of five and 12 often try to test the limits, push boundaries and discover their own sense of independence. Positive parenting can be used to help discipline as well as create learning opportunities and develop social skills.

Here are some pointers:

• Establish family meetings: When problems arise, set a time for a family meeting. Create a forum to discuss issues, brainstorm solutions and make decisions together.
• Use logical consequences: Set limits. If an older child breaks a rule, then try to implement consequences that can help them learn from their mistakes.
• Encourage problem solving: Kids at this age want to have some independence, however, they may not have the skills or intellect required just yet. You can help children develop their problem-solving skills by guiding them through the process of identifying the problem, brainstorming solutions and evaluating the outcomes.
• Build strong relationships: It's important to foster open communication, empathy and mutual respect within the family. Older kids looking for belonging and connection will find this invaluable.
• Share: Openness and finding the courage to share can be challenging, but you can encourage empathy and cooperation by modelling these behaviours yourself.
• Assign chores: At this age, kids may be looking for more responsibility. Assigning chores can teach accountability while giving them a chance to practice their independence.

The benefits of positive discipline for children and families

Positive discipline takes an active approach to parenting and, when properly implemented, can be beneficial for everyone involved.

"Positive discipline helps parents, teachers, and caregivers understand the needs driving a child’s behaviour, and allows them to respond in ways that not only address those needs but also support long-term brain development," says Morehead. "This approach fosters emotional regulation and resilience, helping children build lifelong resources to navigate challenges."

How will you know if positive discipline is working? Children raised under this approach should develop high self-esteem and confidence. Parents and caregivers may also observe stronger parent-child relationships based on mutual respect and trust, along with the consistent development of valuable life skills such as responsibility, problem-solving and cooperation. Additionally, there may be a reduction in behavioural problems, increased emotional regulation and a more harmonious, supportive family environment.

The bottom line

At the end of the day, positive discipline has the ability to foster responsible, respectful and cooperative individuals in a way that's kind, firm and effective in the long term.

As with any new parenting strategy, positive discipline will require time to learn and implement. In the long run, though, you may find it allows for a more positive relationship with your child and a deeply fulfilling parenting experience.

Experts

Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker at Road to Wellness Therapy. Emily Morehead, MA, LPC-,S is a therapist and co-owner of The Couch Therapy.