How To Have The "Other" Sex Talk

My son was extremely curious about the birds and the bees from a young age. I got away with the easy response for some time (“God put the baby there”), until he turned five and asked how babies get in mommy’s tummies “scientifically.” I knew I couldn’t dodge his questions anymore, so off I went on the true birds and bees’ explanation. It wasn’t easy to say out loud, I’ll admit. But I’d always been honest with my son, and this talk was no exception.

It wasn’t until one holiday season when he was around 8 that we had the “other” sex talk. We were watching Friends, which seemed innocent enough, until I realized that all the Joey storylines were about very casual sex. It was giving my son a terrible representation of sex, and I knew I needed to revisit the subject.  It was time to have the “other” sex talk.

Sex is serious

It’s one thing for a child to understand the biology of sex, but it’s another to understand the weight of sex: the intimacy and trust, as well as elements of consent. I wanted him to know that deciding to have sex with someone takes true commitment to the other person.

“The ‘other’ sex talk is about helping children understand that intimacy is not just physical, but it’s emotional. It’s about choice, mutual respect, and feeling safe enough to speak up, pause, or say no at any time,” said Lisa Brookman, co-founder and psychotherapist at West Island Therapy and Wellness Centre in Montreal.

Consent

It’s a heavy topic for young kids to grasp, and depending on their age and maturity level, what “consent” means is something we spoke about as well. We explained what consent meant not only when it comes to your partner, but for you. “Consent is not a single conversation about sex; it’s an ongoing dialogue about trust, respect, and listening to your own inner ‘yes’ and ‘no’,” Brookman said. “When we teach this to children early, we teach them that their feelings matter.” That meant we spoke about everything, from identifying certain feelings of trust (or not) to being open and honest with the other person about those feelings.

“Both boys and girls need permission to speak openly about their comfort, boundaries, and emotions,” Brookman explained. “When children learn they are allowed to voice their thoughts without shame, they grow into adults who can create healthy, respectful connections.”

So, while it may have been the punchline of many storylines on Friends (and in other representations of sex that children see on TV and in movies, or hear in music), sex isn’t really that funny. When I gave the “other” sex talk, it was important to my husband and me that our son knew what sex was from a biological standpoint, but from an emotional one, too. And by talking about it honestly with our son, it showed him that sex should be discussed openly, especially with your partner.

How to talk to kids about consent

Preschoolers 3 - 5

The big idea: Body autonomy

Conversation starter: "You are the boss of your body. Do you want a hug or a high-five?"

The goal: Letting kids know that they can say 'no' and so can the people around them.

Elementary school kids 6 - 9

The big idea: Boundaries and the definition of consent

Conversation starter: "How can you tell if someone doesn't like what you're doing?"

The goal: For kids to identify not just words that mean "no" but body language, too. Also, let them know that saying "yes" is reversible. It's okay to change your answer to "no".

Tweens 10 - 12

The big idea: Starting to talk about sex

Conversation starter: "Do you have any questions about sex?"

The goal: Making sure that sex doesn't feel like a dirty secret; talking about enthusiastic consent. A quiet "yes" might not actually mean yes.

Teens 13+

The big idea: Thinking about consent in real-world situations

Conversation starter: "How does consent change if kids are drinking alcohol?"

The goal: As teens start experiencing romance in real life, it's important that they think about how their behaviour affects others and how and when they feel safe.

They take cues from you

I have friends who have teenage kids, and they still haven’t had any kind of sex talk with them. It frightens me to think that if I don’t answer my child’s questions with honesty and straightforwardness when he asks, he’ll go elsewhere to find the answers. And, unlike my generation, where the smuttiest thing in a household may have been a Playboy magazine, the internet makes it possible for kids today to find endless images and content that is way (way) too mature.

My mom answered everything I threw at her, and she never shied away or acted like she was taken aback or uncomfortable with any of my questions. And I always vowed I would do the same when I became a mom.

Whether it was getting the dreaded “Is Santa real?” question or “how are babies made, scientifically,” I always told my son he could ask me anything, and I would always tell him the truth. It wasn’t just about explaining anatomy and how babies are conceived; it was also about exploring the feelings and connections a couple should have before they decide to be intimate. And while it may be my favourite show of all time, Joey Tribbiani on Friends is not the poster boy for the sex talk.