Mean Kids: How To Deal With Frenemies

Call me clueless, but until my oldest son was nine years old, I’d convinced myself that frenemy problems were mostly a teen-girl issue—something out of Mean Girls, not something I’d have to worry about while raising three rambunctious boys (specifically, preventing them from concussing themselves, thumping each other and breaking a bone on a daily basis).

That was my introduction to a hard truth many parents learn too late: relational aggression—things like exclusion, manipulation and quiet put-downs—can start much earlier than we expect. And because it doesn’t leave bruises, it can be easy to miss until a child’s confidence has already taken a hit.

Sandy Preston* felt similarly blindsided when, after months of emotional withdrawal, her then-eight-year-old daughter, Isla*, opened up a little about her frenemy situation. “We knew there were problems with two of her friends, but Isla wouldn’t elaborate and we didn’t want to force her to talk, so we waited until she was ready,” says Preston.

When she did start talking about it, Isla’s parents learned that she’d been dealing with manipulation, exclusion and bullying daily. Her so-called friends had been making regular comments in the classroom about how Isla’s work wasn’t on par with theirs, isolating her on the playground and going to great lengths to encourage Isla’s good friends to abandon her for them. “That discussion, when it finally happened, was such a surreal experience because, as much as I was relieved at her transparency, I was also incredibly stressed about what to do about the situation,” she says.

It’s no wonder. Even though frenemy issues abound in and out of schoolyards, knowing how to manage the very real—and very detrimental—effects they can have on a child’s emotional and social health can be an arduous undertaking for parents.

What you need to know

• A frenemy is a child who acts like a friend but uses the friendship to exclude, control, embarrass or put another kid down.
• Warning signs can include sudden school dread, feeling emotionally drained after seeing a particular friend, headaches or stomachaches, or worrying constantly about being left out.
• The best first step is to listen calmly, validate what your child is feeling and help them practise a simple response—then involve the school if the pattern is repeated or starts affecting their well-being.

What are frenemies?

Simply put, a frenemy is one who charades as a friend but uses friendship to manipulate, put others down, gossip and exclude, among other negative behaviours, says Judy Arnall, a parenting expert based in Calgary and bestselling author of Attachment Parenting Tips: Raising Toddlers to Teens. “To adults, the dynamic doesn’t look like true friendship, but the kids involved stick together, often for fear of being left out or made fun of or even because they don’t want to hurt the offending child,” she says.

Though this type of relational aggression typically begins around age eight—this is roughly when kids really start to express their emotional maturity and capacity to manipulate situations to their benefit—there’s potential for it to be ongoing as a child matures.

And while the word “frenemy” may sound softer than bullying, the dynamic can be just as painful: the person acts like your child’s friend while excluding, belittling or manipulating them. And this kind of behaviour is common. In the 2022–2023 Health Behaviour in School-aged Children survey, 32 percent of students in Grades 6 to 10 reported being bullied—the highest prevalence recorded since the survey began in Canada.

Whether your child is in the throes of an intense frenemy situation or you’re looking to equip them with schoolyard survival skills if one develops, here’s how to help your kids wade through these murky friendship waters.

Listen, and then share your own experiences

“One of the first things that parents need to do is try to understand why social success is important,” says Jan Blaxall, an early-years professional development expert in London, Ont. “Listen to your child’s concerns about their friend and help them put their feelings into words. Then, share your own relatable experiences, show concern for the other child with an empathetic outlook and problem-solve with your child to develop a caring solution.”

Encourage self-awareness and fine-tune exposure

Parents can help kids look honestly at a friendship without making them feel responsible for someone else’s cruelty. Instead of asking, “What did you do to set them off?” try questions like, “How do you usually feel after you’re together?” “Do they make you feel included or anxious?” and “What seems to happen right before things go sideways?” That kind of reflection helps children spot patterns, trust their instincts and recognize the difference between an imperfect friendship and one that regularly leaves them feeling small.

Once the pattern is clearer, shift the focus to boundaries, not self-blame. If a child can’t avoid the other kid altogether, encourage them to spend time in groups, stay close to friends who make them feel safe and take breaks from one-on-one time with the child who keeps hurting them. The goal is to help kids notice unhealthy dynamics sooner and respond in ways that protect their confidence.

Encourage them to use their voice

If you haven’t already, teach your child how to be assertive. “It’s important for parents to allow kids to handle this situation on their own as much as possible, but coaching from the sidelines is necessary,” says Arnall. “Using ‘I’ statements, coach your child to say things like ‘I don’t like being called names, so stop now.’” Role-playing is also helpful, as is assuring your child that most friendships wax and wane and it’s okay to acknowledge that a friendship may be over if a friend continues to be unkind.

When to involve the school or seek extra help

If the behaviour is happening repeatedly at school, on the playground, in group chats, or anywhere school relationships spill over into daily life, it’s worth looping in a teacher, school counsellor or principal sooner rather than later. Parents should also escalate if their child starts avoiding school, withdrawing from friends, struggling to sleep, complaining of frequent headaches or stomachaches, or showing signs of anxiety or low self-esteem. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents to treat those changes seriously and not dismiss them as ordinary friendship drama. When exclusion, gossip or manipulation becomes a pattern—and especially when there’s a power imbalance—kids often need adult support to feel safe again.

Develop coping strategies

If all else fails, be prepared to cut off contact. “If you can, reduce the amount of exposure between the kids, watch their interactions and involve teachers, coaches and the frenemy’s parents, if necessary,” says Blaxall. “If the conflict continues, help your child find appropriate ways to avoid the frenemy and find alternative things to do when they’re in the same setting, such as reading, drawing or seeking out another child to play with. Sometimes parallel play diffuses the tension, allowing them to be in the same area but engaged in different activities.”

The key? Your child needs to understand that feeling emotionally drained when spending time with a “friend” isn’t healthy and that friendships sometimes come and go, says Arnall. “If it gets to the point where your child chooses to end a friendship, provide extra love and support, validate their self-esteem and comfort them by listening, acknowledging their feelings of hurt and sadness and letting them go through the grieving process,” she says.

In Isla’s case, ongoing encouragement and reminders from her parents that kids can’t hurt her unless she allows them to seem to be what changed the dynamic in her frenemy situation. For Oliver, struggles with said friend continue to arise, but he has found his voice and makes it known that he isn’t going to put up with the manipulation or insults. The interesting result? His assertive approach seems to have mellowed the approach of the boy in question.

*Names have been changed