The Surprising Reason Your Child Won't Sleep

Sleep training experts will tell you that the difference between “good sleepers” and bad ones is what parents do at bedtime. For most little ones, this is true. Parents reduce some of what they’re doing at bedtime and/or middle-of-the night and, yes, a few nights of not-terrible struggle they are seeing long, reliable stretches of sleep. Ta-da!

However, it’s not this easy, quick or “not terrible” for everyone.

Some parents have little ones who have had much bigger sleep problems for a long time and find that no matter what they try—Ferber, pop-ins, cold turkey, Sleep Fairy, begging, pleading—there’s been no improvement. . .ever. . .at all.

These parents are often told by those same experts—kind of harshly—that their lack of success is actually their fault. They just haven’t tried hard enough, or they caved too quickly or they were inconsistent. If they had just used the method correctly, their baby would be sleeping through the night just like those other children.

I can tell you without hesitation that this is not the case. Some children are wired to sleep easily and well—and some are definitely not.

How does temperament impact sleep?

The better question is: How doesn’t it? Temperament is a somewhat hard-wired system for how we take in information from the internal and external world through the senses.

Think of it like a satellite dish that receives, processes, and responds to data from the environment. Most children have a dish that gathers a manageable amount of information, processes it, and it buffers out the rest. Other children have a much bigger dish that can detect, take in, and react to a lot more information. They don’t buffer much, if any, of it out. Their systems are constantly detecting, processing, and reacting.

The consequences of all of this? More difficulty with powering down, transitioning into sleep, and staying there.

Think about a red-eye flight. There are always those passengers who fold their arms across their chest, close their eyes, and are snoring practically before take-off. Then there are others—eye-mask, foot-rest, melatonin, blanket from home, white-noise, earplugs, fancy airplane neck rest— who cannot sleep for one gosh-darned second the entire flight. These non-sleepers are incapable of tuning out the funny noises, conversations six rows away, annoying snoring, strange cabin lights, drafts hitting their feet, and that banging of the bathroom door every five minutes.

This is what it’s like for big satellite dish children when trying to get them to sleep. It’s not easy.

More common names for these non-sleepers include FOMO babies, high needs, spirited, alert, spicy, highly sensitive, dragons…a handful. I call them livewires because they just seem to have more juice running through those circuits, and fuses that tend to blow more easily. If you have one, you know what I’m talking about.

How livewire traits affect sleep (and your efforts to get more)

Engagement/Alertness

“She just never seems sleepy. It’s like she’s afraid she’ll miss something.” “Serious FOMO.” “All her circuits are just on.” Even in the first months of life, livewires can act like sleep is a waste of time. Livewires crave input and interaction. They want to be in the world and doing things.

Easygoing little ones seem to receive sleepy signals from their brain that are clear and strong. They feel sleepy—they yawn, they rub their eyes.

With livewires, the signal from the brain that they’re tired is either weak or simply has a tougher time being heard over all the activity. Parents are often waiting for “sleepy signals” that never come. There’s no yawning or rubbing of eyes. If there is a micro-signal, it is gone in the dust of the second wind.

Sensory sensitivity/Sensory seeking

“I swear her eyes pop open if she hears a sound,” or “The yoga ball is my rocking chair.” This is perhaps the biggest contributor to sleep difficulties in this group. Any little thing keeps them awake. These babies need to be bounced or nursed all the way to dead-to-the-world, then they are wide awake again at the slightest sound (like the tiniest creak of a floorboard as you tried to ninja your way out of the room).

Intensity

“Everything is a big deal.” “There’s no ‘fussing’ happening in our house.” For livewires, every feeling is bigger. If they’re happy, they’re really happy. Once they get upset, watch out. One mom of a newborn livewire said, “I would hear these other sweet newborn cries while mine sounded like she was being stuck with a pin.” There can be a lot of drama. “The other night, I stopped patting for a second and it was like the world was ending.” Some parents may not even attempt to work on sleep because of the blowback they fear will result. Intensity is not all bad. These little ones are deeply feeling, empathic humans.

Reactivity

"If I don’t get to him fast, he goes zero to 100." Livewires react loudly, strongly, and faster than you can say “pacifier.” This is another reason why the standard “wait ten minutes” and “don’t pick them up” sleep training strategies do not work. Once their circuits are flooded, there is no self-soothing happening. They need help to calm down. They do not just give up, stop crying, and fall asleep. I’ve honestly never seen this happen with a livewire, not once.

Persistence

“They never give up, ever, ever.” Livewires know what they want and are willing to outlast you (or anyone) to get it. As they grow, they are fierce in sticking up for themselves or what they feel is right. It can be a powerful thing to witness. In a little one fighting against falling asleep without being bounced for an hour on the exercise ball? Not so much.

Why sleep advice doesn't work

So, when the sleep books say that the first night of sleep training “could be bad,” they mean 30-45 minutes and then it gets better after that. For livewires, it can be hours of crying over many, many nights without any sign of letting up. Sleep books never mention that. This is why parents of livewires so often blame themselves for “caving.” They’re not caving. They’re just up against so much more pushback than anyone told them to expect.

For livewires, falling asleep is not a walk in the park. It’s a bumpy uphill trek on an unmarked path. Their parents need so much more than a book. They need a detailed map, the right tools, lots of snacks, and maybe a pack horse or two.

Here’s some good news about livewires and sleep

You can move the needle. It’s work, I’m not going to lie (but you already knew that). Here's what you need to know:

• Stay ahead of their powerful second wind. Don’t wait for them to “look” sleepy.
• Have a predictable, consistent routine. More transition and preparation. Rehearse changes, give them reminders, no variation ever.
• Pick your battles, but fight the ones you pick. Make small changes and then be as consistent as humanly possible for at least three days. Livewires will not show you that it worked after one night.

It’s also critical to say that while you may feel like you’re the only parent who’s ever made this climb, there are lots and lots of parents on this exact same journey. Every parent of a livewire I’ve ever talked to (hundreds and hundreds of them) has thought they’re the only one.

To make changes in sleep behaviors, it’s going to take more time and persistence ,and you will need to be more on point than you’ve ever been in your life, but if you can hang in there, even the most alert and persistent little ones can get on board.