What Kids And Parents Can Learn From Crushes

I don’t remember my first crush, but I definitely recall being embarrassed when adults thought I had one. Maybe it’s because it happened a lot.

Each time we stopped at the local sports shop to sharpen the skates that fit on my six-year-old feet, the owner would ask if I had a boyfriend. In Grade 1, my best friend told a giggling and winking room full of adults I wanted to marry her brother. It all culminated in Grade 2 when I hid a birthday party invite from a boy in my class just to avoid the potential of someone thinking I “liked” him.

It can be surprising when a child comes home with talk of crushes along with half-eaten sandwiches and crumpled pieces of homework. It often starts around kindergarten, says sex expert and author Cory Silverberg (they/them). Sometimes, caregivers are tempted to tease their children about these cute confessions or to dismiss their seemingly over-the-top feelings. And sometimes it just feels too early to be talking about it.

But our reactions can actually have more impact than the crushes themselves. While we should be careful about the media our children consume and how they see relationships portrayed, crushes are generally innocent. At these early stages, before puberty, crushes have nothing to do with sex or romance, says Silverberg.

“It’s never too early to have feelings and then want to put words to them,” says Silverberg. “They’re just using language they’ve heard.” That’s why a child may claim to have a crush on a best friend, a grandparent or a teacher—they associate good, positive feelings with a word they’ve heard used for a special relationship.

Our reactions matter

While early crushes may be inconsequential, our responses can help pave the way for healthy relationships of all kinds, not just romantic ones. Talking about crushes in a positive, non-judgmental way helps children understand relationships, boundaries, handling rejection, their identities and consent, says Silverberg.

Silverberg wrote the children’s book Sex Is a Funny Word, with Fiona Smyth, to address some of the missing elements they found in their sex education as children. The book has a chapter on crushes, where they explain: “A crush is a special kind of feeling you have for a person. You can have a crush on any kind of person. You can have a crush on a friend or someone you just met. You can even have a crush on someone you have never met.”

What to say, and what not to say, when kids talk about crushes

When kids bring up crushes, the goal is to stay calm, curious and non-judgmental.

Say

• “Want to tell me about them?”
• “Sounds like you really like being around that person.”
• “Big feelings are okay.”
• “You can always talk to me about this.”
• “You don’t have to like someone back.”
• “If something feels uncomfortable, you can say no.”
• “You get to decide what feels okay for you.”
• “Crushes can feel intense, and that’s normal.”

Don’t say

• “Oooh, is that your boyfriend/girlfriend?”
• “He’s mean because he likes you.”
• “You’re too young for a crush.”
• “It’s not a big deal.”
• “So what does this mean about who you like?”
• “Just ignore it.”
• Anything teasing or wink-wink that makes them feel embarrassed.

It’s not linear

The big thing is not to make a big deal of it—simply show some curiosity when your child mentions a crush of any kind.

It can be as innocent as seeing a best friend as a crush or believing that playing together and wearing nice outfits in their vicinity is what it means to have a boyfriend. If there’s something to worry about—like a child believing they need to engage in inappropriate physical behaviour—this is when you’d find out. If children know they won’t be teased or dismissed, they’re more likely to talk.

And if your child is talking about same-sex crushes, responding with curiosity and support can make them realize all relationships are normal and okay. It’s a win-win. They’ll internalize the importance of respecting people’s humanity, which Silverberg says makes it easier for those with identities that are non-normative.

Development and sexual identity are not linear, despite what we’ve been told, says Silverberg. It’s not unusual for kids to talk about same-sex crushes, or to mention they want to marry one person one day and never want to get married the next, and for things to completely change later on and suddenly they don’t speak of crushes at all. It doesn’t mean we can predict a child’s sexual orientation from those early experiences.

And if we don’t foster acceptance of all different types of sexual orientations and genders, we’re really not preparing our kids for the world they live in, Silverberg says. Even worse, we may inadvertently teach them that “there’s only one right way to be a human—and if they’re not that way, there’s something wrong.”

And just talking isn’t enough, says Silverberg. We should also look at how we treat people of all kinds in our lives. If you talk positively about diversity, but roll your eyes when a transgender person enters the room or treat them as foreigners, for example, your children will pick up on how you really think and internalize it.

First cut is the deepest

Crushes often crush the heart, so to speak. The very word evokes intense feelings and the fact that they’re rarely reciprocated.

Whether it’s a romantic crush or not, kids have big feelings in general, says registered psychologist Morgan Bissegger. It’s easy for parents to minimize these early experiences; after all, as adults, most of us have experienced many rejections, and we know things will be okay.

“But children don’t know that yet,” says Bissegger. “By helping them identify how they’re feeling and providing support, it will set the ground for kids to become grownups who know how to discuss their problems and know they deserve to be heard.”

Sharing some of our own stories can be validating; there’s comfort in knowing it’s a universal experience.

Gender norms

The way we react to crushes can also act as a mirror for how society views gender norms and gender-normative relationships. And much of this is ingrained to the point where sometimes we may not think about throwing around a little comment like: “Awww, is he your boyfriend?”

It might be sweet to see our kids squirm a little, but it can also make our children embarrassed and even limit their interaction with certain peers and cause them to miss out on great friendships.

And we don’t want stereotypical views of how boys or girls should behave to act as an excuse for problematic behaviours. If a boy teases a girl, and she doesn’t like it, it’s not uncommon to hear the refrain: “He just has a crush on you!”

Even if it’s true, says Bissegger, it’s problematic.

“That response minimizes how children may be affected by the behaviours of another child,” says Bissegger. It also doesn’t give children any tools for knowing how to set boundaries. We want our children to know from an early age that they should be treated well by the people in their lives, rather than excusing inappropriate or uncomfortable behaviour.

Setting boundaries

Talking about potential responses to boundary-crossing behaviours can help empower children.

Say a child is constantly being followed around the playground at recess by another child who has a crush on them. “Help the child put language to it … maybe they don’t want to play with the person because it makes them uncomfortable. You can identify that discomfort and set boundaries with peers,” says Bissegger.

It’s challenging and intentional work to disrupt unhelpful patterns when it comes to really early sex education, says Bissegger, adding that parents shouldn’t feel bad if they make mistakes along the way.

“As kids get older and they enter puberty, having conversations about the changes to their body and sexual health and development can be really important. Kids have access to so much information; we want to make sure that we fact-check it. Those conversations just crack open a door that hopefully a kid will come and peek around should they need to,” she says.

Experts

• Cory Silverberg is a Canadian sex educator, public speaker and the award-winning author behind What Makes a Baby, Sex Is a Funny Word, You Know, Sex and The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability.
• Morgan Bissegger is a Registered Psychologist and Registered Play Therapy Supervisor in Edmonton, Alberta.