I can remember the sex I used to have with my husband when we were newly dating. Sparks were flying and everything felt new, different and exciting. I discovered what turned my partner on—and vice versa. Lovemaking was hot, toe-curling and mind-blowing. Orgasms were aplenty. Sex was 100 percent about chemistry and making each other feel good.
Unfortunately, the sex we had while trying to get pregnant bore little resemblance to those passionate nights, especially by the time we were a year into trying. It may have started out romantic and exciting during the first few months of trying, but as cycle after cycle passed without a positive pregnancy result, it became frustrating and disheartening. To be honest, it started to feel like a job.
Suddenly, sex wasn’t about the chemistry; it was about the biology. Lust and pleasure took a back seat to the ultimate goal of making a baby. It didn’t happen because we were in the mood; it was well timed and well planned, whether we were in the mood or not. It became a high-stakes game of chance: We might win the lottery this month or be disappointed yet again.
If you find that sex is becoming lacklustre, formulaic and disappointing when you’re trying to have a baby, there are some things you can do to add the sizzle back to your sex life.
Stop overthinking it
“Are we doing it too much?” “Are we not doing it enough?” “Are we getting the timing right?” “Is it more effective if you’re on top?” So. Many. F*cking. Questions. Literally. While it may be easier said than done to halt your never-ending list of questions, do your best to turn off the internal dialogue and be in the moment. Sex will be more enjoyable that way, and your partner will appreciate your head being in the game, not in the clouds.
Try a different location
I love my bed—it’s super-comfortable. When I was trying to get pregnant, I spent a lot of time in it. Unfortunately, it didn’t have a good track record. To keep things fresh, I highly recommend mixing up your venue: the chair in the living room, the floor in front of the fireplace, the shower. Do it wherever you feel like. Switching up the location can make it feel fresh and less repetitive.
Change your position
Always having sex in the exact same position? Break the monotony and try a different position based on what feels good for you and your partner. ’Nuff said.
Switch up your schedule
Find that you always get it on before bed? Or do you try to fit it in before work? Break your routine and try being intimate at a different time of day. Work from home and enjoy a little afternoon delight with your partner. Have a little appetizer (ahem) before dinner or try a sunrise encounter. It doesn’t matter when, just switch things up—it will help you avoid getting into a rut.
Reach back into some sexy memories
Think back to some of your best sexual encounters (with your partner—not an ex!). Whether it was when you first started dating, on your honeymoon or just a spontaneous encounter, fill your mind with those steamy memories. Think about what made it hot, how you felt and what set the stage. You’ll be surprised at how a walk down memory lane can help you recreate some of those special moments, mentally and physically.
Have vacation sex
Isn’t sex always better on vacation? Hotel room sex can be hot. Maybe it’s that you’re happier and more relaxed when you’re on vacation or that you’re far from your long list of chores back home. Regardless, getting it on when you’re away from your everyday routine can help shake things up and reinvigorate your sex life.
Don’t make it feel like work
Be mindful of how your partner is feeling through all of this. Sometimes one partner can begin to feel like an employee being tasked with successfully getting the job done. Rather than shouting, “It’s time!” from the bedroom, make sex romantic. Feel the connection with your partner. You’re in this together. Trying to make a baby is an incredible and awe-inspiring experience, so treat it that way.
Get it on when you and your partner feel like doing it, not just when you feel like you should be doing it. When you’re trying to get pregnant, it can be easy to focus too much on external factors and feel disconnected from your body, especially if you feel like it has let you down time and time again. Do your best to listen to your body and make time for sex just for pleasure—even if ovulation is weeks away. Remember the passion and pleasure of lovemaking, not just what you’re hoping comes from it.