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13 ridiculous words you need to learn before you become a parent

Time to expand your vocabulary. You won’t be able to find these words in any dictionary, but they describe perfectly what the life of a parent is like.

13 ridiculous words you need to learn before you become a parent

Photo: Stocksy

If you work in a technical field, you might need to learn a whole new language before you feel comfortable in the job. Well, it's the same with parenting. Memorize this list and parenting will be a breeze.*

*Will not work for everyone. Some restrictions may apply.

Apoocolypse (A-pooc-o-lypse) noun An event involving a huge amount of poop seeping out of your infant’s diaper, usually from both the top and bottom at the same time. "We have decided to go up a diaper size, owing to the recent apoocolypse that went from his neck to his ankles."

Denaisle (De-naisle) noun When your child is having a tantrum in the grocery store and you take a few steps back so that no one thinks that she is yours. "Someone just asked where that terribly behaved child's mother was. I was in denaisle and didn't admit anything."

Diaper snag (Dia-per snag) noun When you are out with your baby and realize that you have packed everything you could possibly need in your diaper bag, with the exception of diapers. "After the apoocolypse, I looked into my diaper bag and realized I had a diaper snag."

Inmomnia (In-mom-nia) noun When you are unable to sleep because you keep thinking about all of the other stuff you should be doing. "I tried to lie down while he was napping, but my inmomnia was out of control, so instead I did some laundry and wrote a to-do list."

Labour brain (La-bour brain) noun When you are mid-labour with your second or third or fifth child and you suddenly remember how much it hurts. "As soon as my labour brain kicked in, I was so mad at myself. I mean, seriously, how do I keep forgetting this part?"

Mammaflage (Mam-ma-flage) noun The disguising of spit-up or breastmilk by intentionally wearing beige or off-white shirts. "All of the spit-up on my shirt is mammaflaged, but I need to go home and change soon because I think that I am starting to smell."

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Phantrum (Phan-trum) noun When you give in to your tantruming toddler and he goes from being the angriest, loudest kid in the room to the sweetest, happiest within seconds, giving one the impression that the tantrum never happened. "His phantrum ended as soon as I said yes to that cookie."

Placenterruption (Pla-cen-ter-rup-tion) noun When you are told that you need to stop cuddling your newborn baby in order to push one more thing through the birth canal. "The placenterruption by the doctor is my least favourite part of my birth video—well, not including the screaming."

Sanctimommy (Sanc-ti-mom-my) noun Another mom who wants you to know that her parenting choices are better than yours. "That sanctimommy kept giving me dirty looks because I was feeding my kids gluten." 

Spring roll (Spring-roll) noun The manner in which you spring out of your toddler’s bed and roll out of the room the minute she falls asleep. "That was a close one. I did a spring roll, but saw her flinch just as I made it to the door."

Staybysitter (Stay-by-sitter) noun A person you pay to look after your children who wants to hang around and chat after you have paid them. "That staybysitter is super nice, but she hung around for so long last night that I started flossing my teeth."

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Wet shampoo (Wet sham-poo) noun Fancy and extraordinary mode of hair washing that differs from your usual dry shampooing method. "I finally had time to wet shampoo my hair today for the first time in a week. It felt amazing."

Whine cooler (Whine coo-ler) noun An alcoholic drink that you will consume post-bedtime to make you feel better about the excessive amount of whining that happened in your home that day. "Tonight my whine cooler was actually a wine cooler—it was delicious."

This article was originally published on Apr 26, 2018

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