How to Support a Friend after a Miscarriage

When a friend goes through a miscarriage,  it's often hard to know how to help. You might be worried about accidentally saying something offensive or unsure about how often you should reach out. Perhaps you've even considered offering a gift as a gesture of support, but you're not sure if it's the right move or what kind of gift is suitable.

Given that miscarriage affects 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies, according to the Mayo Clinic, it's important to be prepared to support friends who may face this loss. To help you navigate this sensitive situation and provide meaningful comfort, we've gathered expert advice on effective ways to support your friend and potential missteps to avoid. This guide will show you how to be there for your friend with kind words and helpful actions during their grief.

How to support a friend who's had a miscarriage

What to say

Say that you're sorry: 

According to Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, a licensed marriage and family therapist, if a friend has gone through a miscarriage, the best response is simply to say you’re sorry.

She advises, "Just saying you’re sorry is sufficient unless they want to share more.” While it might feel awkward to remain silent after saying ‘I’m sorry,’ it’s often better than risking saying something that could hurt them further. If you feel compelled to say more, you might consider asking, “How are you feeling?”

Acknowledge their loss:  

This simple act can make anyone who has experienced a miscarriage feel supported and understood. However, you don't need to go overboard.  Goldberg explains that even a small gesture can mean a lot.

"Maybe send a quick text, stop by for a brief visit or leave a little something at their door," she suggests. "Just make sure to do it in an appropriate setting. For example, pulling them aside at a social event or after a work meeting is not a good idea."

Ask what they need: 

Also ask your friend what they need from you following a miscarriage. Jerusha Hull, LCSW, PMH-C, a licensed clinical social worker, says this is important as it gives them the chance to share what they need while you offer your support.

"Ask whether they want to discuss their experience or simply need your presence,” suggests Hull. “Allow them to take charge of the discussion.”

Recognize that this is hard or that this sucks: 

Hull says this one is especially important, as it helps your friend know that you are acknowledging how emotionally and physically taxing a miscarriage is. "Your friend already knows it's hard, but validating their feelings helps them feel seen," she explains.

Acknowledge their partner's loss: 

Hull emphasizes the importance of extending sympathy to both partners affected by a miscarriage, as the loss impacts both individuals and their shared grief should be acknowledged.

"A simple message like: 'You're both in my thoughts, and I'm sending my love' can go a long way in acknowledging their shared loss," she says.

Practice active listening: 

When a friend confides in you about their experiences, practice active listening. "It's about understanding, not just responding," Hull explains.

Let them know it's okay to keep it private: 

Hull emphasizes respecting your friend's wishes if they are reluctant to discuss their miscarriage. She suggests saying, "We don't need to talk about it, but I'm here to listen whenever you're ready." Simply knowing someone is available can often provide comfort to those experiencing loss, Hull explains.

Say the baby's name: 

"Be being willing to say their baby's name, help memorialize them or even remember important dates is also a considerate gesture," explains Elreacy Dock, thanatologist and certified grief educator.

"There's a lot of stigma surrounding the use of names after miscarriages or pregnancy loss, but when you are willing to use their names, it's a reminder that other people care about who they lost and that they're not alone in wanting to honour them."

Remind them that they are not to blame: 

Dr. Alice Domar, PhD, a health psychologist and chief compassion officer at Inception Fertility, notes that many women blame themselves after a miscarriage. "I've heard women question whether flying on an airplane, going for a run or something they ate could have contributed to their loss," she explains.

Therefore, she stresses that a key element in supporting a friend after a miscarriage is helping them understand that they are not responsible for the miscarriage in any way.

What not to say

Avoid hurtful platitudes: 

While acknowledging the loss from a miscarriage is crucial, Goldberg advises against using certain phrases and statements. She explains, "Refrain from saying things like 'I understand because I've been through this too' or offering platitudes such as 'Everything happens for a reason.' Additionally, never begin a sentence with 'At least.'"

Don't make "try again" comments: 

Goldberg also advises against using phrases like "You can always try again" or "Just keep trying" when comforting someone who's experienced pregnancy loss. "Many individuals feel anxious about attempting another pregnancy, fearing they might face another heartbreaking loss," she says. "It's equally important to remember that in some cases, pursuing another pregnancy might not be medically advisable for the person."

Stay away from "be grateful" comments: 

Dock emphasizes that certain comments can unintentionally invalidate the grief of those experiencing pregnancy loss.

"Phrases like 'Be grateful for the children you do have' or 'You've had successful pregnancies in the past'; maybe it isn't time for another child right now" should be avoided," she says.  "These statements imply that having existing children somehow negates the right to mourn a recent loss, which is not the case."

Steer clear of creating time constraints: 

Statements such as "At least you weren't further along" or "At least it happened early" are also not recommended, as Dock explains they suggest someone only has the right to grieve based on a specific length of time.

Other phrases like "It will heal with time" or "Eventually, you won't think about this so much and you'll get over it" can also have detrimental effects. Dock adds, "Most people carry their grief with them for the rest of their lives and become accustomed to carrying the weight of their losses with them, but they don't 'get over' the loss itself".

Don't make comparisons:  

Dock advises against comparing your experience to others' losses, even if you have gone through a miscarriage yourself. "This can invalidate their grief and make them feel worse," she says.

Refrain from asking what caused the miscarriage: 

Miscarriages often happen for reasons we can't fully understand. According to Dock, "Sometimes it's due to chromosomal issues or rare conditions, but there's still a lot we don't know," she says. Because of this uncertainty, Dock advises against asking what might have caused the miscarriage or suggesting ways to prevent future ones.

Don't share statistics:

Dock also advises against sharing miscarriage statistics or others' miscarriage stories, despite potentially good intentions. "While the aim might be to reassure someone they're not alone in their experience, unsolicited statistics and stories can be harmful and hurtful," Dock states.  She adds, "It may make your loved one feel reduced to a statistic rather than feeling fully acknowledged and supported during their time of need."

Don't push for conversation: 

A miscarriage is a deeply personal loss that some women don't want to discuss immediately. Because of this, Dock emphasizes the importance of not pressuring your friend to talk about a miscarriage if they're not ready.

"If you haven't heard from them in a while, you can start with a brief phone call or text message to let them know that you've been thinking of them and that you're there to support them if they need anything," Dock explains. "This allows them to set the pace regarding their willingness to talk and interact without putting pressure on them."

What to do

Be patient: 

Dock stresses the importance of patience when supporting a friend who has experienced a miscarriage. She explains, "Grief and the emotions arising from loss have no set timeline, so you'll need to consistently draw upon your deep compassion as your loved one continues to navigate this deeply personal experience."

Check in often: 

Regularly checking in is one of the most supportive actions you can take for a friend who has experienced a miscarriage. Goldberg advises, "It's crucial to maintain consistent contact with your friend unless they specifically request otherwise".

When checking in, it's best to err on the side of caution by avoiding excessive questions or inquiries. Goldberg suggests, "A simple gesture like dropping off a small gift, sending a text message saying 'I'm thinking of you' or even just sharing a heart emoji can be a meaningful way to show your support."

As time progresses, whether it's weeks, months or even years, Goldberg highlights the importance of continuing to acknowledge the grief. She notes, "Even if life appears to have moved on, the grief often persists. After a few months, consider checking in once or twice more that year, and then perhaps on the anniversary of the loss, the baby's due date or if your friend becomes pregnant again".

Always follow their lead: 

Dock underscores the significance of allowing your friend to control the flow of information regarding their loss.

"Everyone experiences grief and processes their loss differently, so being respectful of their space is crucial," she says. "Pregnancy loss is often traumatic, and many people need to take additional time to reflect on their own regarding what they have experienced, so initially, they might not be comfortable sharing what's on their mind and how they feel."

Engage with their interests: 

If your friend isn't ready to discuss their loss, it's okay to continue your usual conversations. Thomas Banta, a licensed clinical addiction counsellor and licensed clinical mental health counsellor associate, suggests that chatting about everyday topics can provide a much-needed break from grief and help ease the feeling of isolation that often follows a loss.

Send practical gifts: 

A thoughtful gift can be a meaningful way to show support for a friend who has experienced a miscarriage. However, Leyla Bilali, BSN, RN, a registered fertility nurse and IVF expert, recommends choosing practical items when sending gifts in these situations.

Drawing from her personal experience, Bilali explains, "After my miscarriage, receiving flowers felt inappropriate and turned my apartment into a funeral-like atmosphere. While I was grieving, it didn't feel right. Instead, I believe sending meals is a more considerate gesture. Setting up a meal train through various apps allows the recipient to see who is bringing what and when".

Hello Postpartum sells a pregnancy loss gift box, that includes a journal, affirmation cards, an angel wing bracelet, organic overnight pads, iron-boosting tea, cozy socks and a forget-me-not sticker. It's a thoughtful gift that allows you to acknowledge your friend's grief—and some of the physical symptoms associated with miscarriage—without pushing a difficult conversation.

Continue to invite them to events: 

If you’re planning to host some events and are feeling uncertain about how to invite your friend—especially if pregnant women and babies will be present—Banta advises that you should still extend an invite. He emphasizes, however, that it’s important to honour their choice if they decide not to attend.

Commemorate or honour their loss: 

Dr. Domar notes that some women choose to hold memorial services for their unborn children. If your friend is considering such a service, it's recommended that you attend to show support. "You might also offer to assist with planning the event," she suggests. "Additionally, consider giving your friend a keepsake, such as a piece of jewelry featuring the baby's would-be birthstone, which she can store away or look at when she feels ready."

FAQ: 

1. How can I support a friend who's had multiple miscarriages? 

Having multiple miscarriages is less common (only three to four percent of women experience two miscarriages and one percent of women experience three) than having one, so it's just as important to recognize and honour your friend's loss.

"Supporting a friend through a miscarriage whether she's experienced one or multiple losses can be as simple as allowing her to share her feelings her vision of the baby she lost and the future she had dreamed of," she says. "Being a listening ear validates her feelings and allows her to mourn in a way that is healing."

2. How can I help a friend who's pregnant again after a previous miscarriage?

If your friend becomes pregnant again after a miscarriage, you might feel conflicted about how to react. You may be afraid to get excited, yet feel guilty if you're not enthusiastic.

In these situations, Banta suggests that listening is your best option."Just listen to your friend talk about those feelings and validate those feelings, he says. "If they are excited, don't be afraid to join them. If they are scared, honour that fear and give them the option not to feel it alone."

3. How can I learn about miscarriage to support my friend?

To provide better support for your friend during their miscarriage, Banta recommends looking for resources that can help you understand the situation.

He points out that "The Miscarriage Association offers valuable information on this subject and features insights from a lot of women who have gone through miscarriages sharing what helped them."

Dr. Domar also recommends trusted .org and .gov websites like ACOG.org, Resolve.org and ASRM.org for accurate information about miscarriage and tips on how to be there for your friend during this difficult time.

Experts:

• Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, is a licensed marriage and family therapist.
• Thomas Banta is a licensed clinical addiction counselor and licensed clinical mental health counselor associate.
• Leyla Bilali, BSN, RN is a registered fertility nurse and an IVF expert.
• Elreacy Dock is a thanatologist and certified grief educator.
• Dr. Alice Domar, PhD, is a health psychologist and Chief Compassion Officer at Inception Fertility.