We Are Gilmore Girls-Level Close—Is That Okay?

When Gilmore Girls premiered 25 years ago, I was drawn to it like Lorelai to an oversized mug of coffee (IYKYK). Not only did I enjoy the picturesque small-town backdrop, impossibly-fast-talking banter and more realistic representations of womanhood (TV was not the same back then), but the mother-daughter dynamic spoke to me on a deeper level. I grew up an only child with a single mom—I know first-hand what it means to be besties with your parent.

So, when the show’s popularity took off again this fall, I knew that I had to re-watch it with my 13-year-old, Matilda. But as the first season started to unfold, it got me thinking: Is this level of closeness between mothers and daughters healthy? Is it OK to have my very own Rory?

The upsides of mother-daughter friendship

I’ve recently reached a stage with Matilda where we can share some of each other’s clothes, go for pedicures together, and have thoughtful discussions. She’s smart and funny, and a joy to spend time with. And while it’s lovely for me to find this new sense of companionship with my daughter, I was relieved to learn it’s benefitting her, too.

“A close bond helps children feel safe and emotionally secure,” says Krista Roesler, a psychotherapist and co-founder of Psych Company. “In Gilmore Girls, Lorelai and Rory share a strong, trusting relationship where Rory feels comfortable sharing her worries and confusing feelings. When kids know they can turn to their parents in difficult moments, it helps them learn how to handle life’s challenges,” she says.

The benefits of a daughter having a strong bond with their mother will support them through childhood and into their adult years. “Research shows that when children develop secure attachment, they not only feel loved, but they also develop the confidence to explore the world knowing they can return to a safe base,” says Mahira Zakiuddin, a social worker with the Toronto Psychology Clinic. For daughters, this can mean a stronger sense of self-esteem, better resilience, and put them on the path to building healthier relationships later in life.

But there can be a danger in being too much like friends.

Being “besties” can backfire

Sure, it would be nice for my kid to see me as a “cool mom” like Lorelai. I aspire to be her confidante, her pal, her forever coffee date. But I know deep down that it’s most important to be her mother—not her best friend.

Maintaining parent-child boundaries is essential, says Zakiuddin. “If the relationship becomes too much like a friendship, the attachment can become muddled and very confusing for the child,” she says. In more extreme situations, a daughter could end up feeling insecure in her role as the child and confused about whether she is being cared for or providing care. A dynamic where the child takes on adult responsibilities, or where they feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, is sometimes called parentification. “Research shows that children who grow up in these dynamics may struggle with boundaries later in life, often feeling overly responsible in adult relationships. Having been raised myself on this side of the mother-daughter spectrum, I can personally vouch for the importance of well-defined parent-child roles. I still struggle with anxiety rooted in having grown up too much, too fast.

Plus, all kids need friends their own age, too. A close relationship with mom can give a girl the foundation for confidence and emotional stability, but friendships are where she can practice her independence, explore different aspects of her identity, and test new skills in different ways. “In other words, mom provides the anchor, while friends provide the space to grow,” says Zakiuddin.

Keeping connection in balance

Closeness is a good thing, but it’s always the parents’ job to toe the line of a healthy boundary, so that the kids are never burdened with adult worries or responsibilities. It also means setting limits, even if your child doesn’t like them. “Part of being a good parent is having the courage to be disliked sometimes, but still being there when they need you,” says Roesler. “Closeness and boundaries are not opposites,” adds Zakiuddin. “Together they create a relationship where a daughter feels safe, loved, and free to grow into her own person,” she says.

Here are some tips for maintaining clear parent-child boundaries while still being their friend:

• Share carefully Let your daughter get to know you as a person, but keep adult worries and responsibilities (like finances, romantic complications, and major career missteps) to yourself.

• Encourage independence Support her in building friendships and making age-appropriate choices, like spending time with friends, making her own fashion choices and joining sports teams.

• Model boundaries Show her that you respect your own needs and limits. When you need to clear your head, let her know you need to go for a walk, and let her see you say no to added commitments.

• Stay consistent Follow through on rules and routines, so she knows you are reliable. And respond to her feelings (about maintained screen time limits, for example) with calm and empathy.

It’s really special to have a relationship with your daughter so tight-knit that you can swap secrets, giggle over shared gossip and enjoy each other’s company—particularly in front of another episode of Gilmore Girls.