Are You Chasing An Unrealistic Idea Of Happiness?

It’s 7:30 a.m. on Saturday. Everyone is still in bed—such is life with teenagers. They might sleep for a few more hours.

The last few weeks have been a blur of work, travel, hockey practices, and school projects. It’s been emotionally heavy, too. Several close friends and family members have been going through hard things: surgeries, losses, mental health struggles. It’s been a lot. We’re all a little worn out.

So, I sat down with my coffee and started planning the perfect family day. A day of reconnection, laughter, and coziness. I imagined us pulling out the Christmas decorations early (“we need the sparkle!”), sipping hot chocolate, maybe baking cookies. But as I was mapping it all out in my head, the flaws in my plan started to appear everywhere.

First, I don’t even know everyone’s schedule for today. Second, the idea of a decorating marathon followed by cookie baking probably sounds magical to me, but may not inspire the same joy in two teenage boys. And third—and this one stung—I realized I was chasing a feeling I can’t force: connection.

The trap of perfect parenting

We all do it. We plan, organize, anticipate and sometimes over-orchestrate our family happiness. It often comes from love, but also from fear: fear of missing out, fear of disconnection, fear that we’re not doing enough.

In those moments, we slip into performance mode, trying to engineer joy instead of allowing it to unfold.

The truth is, our kids don’t need “perfect.” They need presence. They need parents who are real, responsive, and forgiving—with themselves and with their family.

Psychologist Donald Winnicott coined the phrase “the good enough parent.” His research shows that children thrive not because their parents are flawless, but because their parents are “reliably human”. They make mistakes, they repair and they love consistently. Through these messy, real interactions, kids develop trust, resilience and empathy.

When we let go of perfection, we give our children the gift of authenticity and we free ourselves from the constant comparison game.

Comparison is truly the thief of joy

It was Theodore Roosevelt who said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”, and he didn’t even have Instagram! Social media makes it harder than ever to let go of comparing. Every scroll is a highlight reel of matching pyjamas, perfect trees, glowing smiles. It’s easy to believe that everyone else’s family is happier, closer, calmer.

But what we’re comparing ourselves to is an edited version of reality. The camera doesn’t capture the argument before the photo, the sibling eye-roll or the stress behind the smile.

Psychologist Leon Festinger’s social comparison theory reminds us that our brains are wired to compare. It’s how we make sense of where we fit in the world. But unchecked, those comparisons become toxic. They turn connection into competition, and joy into judgment.

So, when you catch yourself scrolling and thinking, “Why doesn’t my family look like that?” try shifting the question to, “What does connection look like for us right now, in real life?”

The real magic of “good enough”

The most joyful moments in family life are rarely the ones we plan. They happen in the car on the way to hockey, or when everyone ends up laughing over a kitchen disaster. They’re spontaneous, unpolished, and often arrive when we stop trying so hard.

When I think back on my own childhood, I don’t remember whether our tree was perfectly decorated; in fact, I recall that it wasn’t. It was filled with our homemade, kid-friendly ornaments, and we loved adding new ones we created every year. Home was a place of warmth, filled with our pride in our creations and encouragement to keep building.

Our kids will remember how it felt—not how it looked. So maybe today won’t be the “perfect family day.” Perhaps we’ll decorate a little before someone wanders off. Maybe we’ll burn the cookies. Maybe we will all end up somewhere else entirely. I know that if I can let go of my script and just stay present, we will find some fun, and it will be enough.

My take, as a therapist

As a family therapist, I often see parents try to show love by overplanning and searching for perfection. They want to do that cute thing that everyone is posting on TikTok- they all look so happy!

But happiness in families rarely comes from doing more. It comes from being more present. If your child wants you to play Minecraft with them, give it a try. If they want to go to the park in the rain, get your boots on and go.

Let go of your plan and notice what they like. You will be able to connect with them on their level, and they love it when you come to their world and share in their favourite things. You don’t have to be good at Mario Kart to have a great time- they just want you there—no reels or photos required.

Happiness practice for the week

Name the thief

Each time you catch yourself comparing, whether to another parent, another family, or your own unrealistic ideal, pause and name it: “There’s the thief of joy.”

Then, gently ask yourself:

• What do I actually value here?
• What does ‘enough’ look like for me today?
• What’s one small way I can connect with my family, as we are, not as I wish we were?

Let the answer be simple. Let it be real. Let it be enough.