Why Your Family Needs 20-Second Hugs

“Mom, I need a hug.” This is a refrain I hear from my son, on average, four or five times a day. More on days when he is feeling out of sorts, or even really happy.

He is in regular need of big, extended, and what I call quasi-bone-crushing hugs. For this kiddo, the longer, the better. And as it turns out, 20-second hugs are actually good for your health.

What's a 20-second hug?

The 20-second hug is exactly as explained on the proverbial tin. It’s not just a light pat or a quick squeeze. It’s wrapping your arms around someone and hugging for about 20 seconds or more. Research shows that long hugs help your body release feel-good hormones and can reduce blood pressure.

My 10-year-old was diagnosed with ADHD nearly two years ago, and he exhibits a lot of the hallmark symptoms. His diagnosis wasn’t a surprise, as my husband was diagnosed with it as a young adult, and my daughter, now a teenager, was diagnosed in the third grade. But as with many things, no two (or three) diagnoses are alike. For my son, long hugs are a need, not quite on the level of food, water and other necessities of life, but they are certainly up there.

The science-backed benefits of extended hugs

Scientists and psychotherapists alike seem to agree that this form of touch ranks high in terms of both physical and emotional growth and well-being. Dr. Tiffany Field, Professor in the Department of Pediatrics, Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Miami School of Medicine, and founder of the Touch Research Institute, has studied touch and its effect on people for some time. Her research began with premature babies, where she discovered that massage led to weight gain and infants leaving Neonatal Intensive Care Units (NICU) faster.

“When you massage someone, you’re stimulating pressure receptors on the body and skin, which in turn sends messages to the brain, which has one of the largest nerves, called the vagus nerve, and the heart slows down. When this happens, you slow down the nervous system. You’re more relaxed and the stress hormone, cortisol, is no longer being released,” Dr. Field says.

She found that oxytocin, otherwise known as the ‘love hormone’, increased, as did serotonin, the body’s antidepressant and anti-pain neurotransmitter. “So, there are a lot of physiological things that happen when you stimulate the skin. And moderate pressure is key, that’s why hugging is so effective, because a good hug involves some pressure,” she added. Dr. Field points out that the physiological and psychological effects are reciprocal; they feed off each other.

Hugs reduce stress

A 2003 University of North Carolina study examined the relationship between warm physical contact and reactivity to stress. It found that couples who held hands for ten minutes while watching romantic videos, followed by hugging for 20 seconds, demonstrated lower heart rate increases when asked to complete a public speaking task than a group that had no contact before the task. The results suggest that warm relationships with a supportive partner may contribute to lower reactivity to stress.

Dr. Kory Floyd, PhD and Professor of Communication and Psychology at the University of Arizona, has researched the effects of touch. “Increases in oxytocin show benefits on the body; it makes us feel calmer and alleviates pain.

When people are under acute stress, a hug helps the body return to its natural state. They feel the stress melting away, and the body goes back to baseline. There is something special about touch,” he says.

How the 20-second hug benefits children's development

Dr. Floyd says that children are attuned to needing tactile affection to learn how to self-regulate. For example, when babies cry or make noise, a parent will hug them, which provides warmth, comfort and calms the mind. Their child’s regulation becomes attuned to their own.

With repetition, kids learn that they can go to others and ask for a hug. “Interestingly, in meta-analysis, people have been shown to benefit more when they initiate hugs and affection than when they receive it,” he explained. This puts a new spin on the saying ‘it’s better to give than to receive’.

Both Dr. Field and Dr. Floyd cite anecdotal evidence linked to an orphanage in Romania where, in the absence of adequate physical touch, stunted growth and effects on cognitive development were observed in children. Correlative studies have shown that people lacking in physical touch can exhibit weaker immune systems and higher susceptibility to illness, sleep disorders, the presence of physical pain and negative mental health outcomes, like stress and anxiety. In essence, affection helps us thrive as humans.

What about those who are hug-averse?

Like adults, not all kids are big on hugs. The key is knowing your child and, as the saying goes, meeting them where they are. Jennifer Abbatiello, Certified Master Parent Coach and Founder of Your Transformed Family in Hamilton, Ontario, suggests thinking about the ways your children like to receive touch.

“When a child is having a really hard time, like when a toddler has a meltdown, they might not want to be hugged, but we don’t want to leave them alone with big feelings. We can be low and slow, ready to offer touch as they end that stress cycle,” she says. She often reminds her clients that there is power in co-regulating and that kids can borrow their parents’ sense of calm, as it acts, as she says, like emotional contagion.

As kids grow older, their needs change. Teenagers begin to differentiate themselves from their parents. They might curtail affection from their parents, but rest assured, this is normal. Teenagers’ relationships with their peers and friends often move to pole position, and they may begin to seek other sources of affection.

Dr. Floyd encourages parents to understand, accept and validate this, and not try to force the same affection shared in the childhood years now in the adolescent years, as parents might risk pushing them away. “This is a developmental stage for parents, too, and it’s normal. Honour it as it will lay the groundwork for a new closeness that will perhaps emerge in your child’s adulthood,” he says.

Some kids thrive on touch and others don’t; every family member is different. If your child is not a hugger, they may love special one-on-one bonding time instead.

The key is understanding and paying attention to their needs. For the hug-averse child, Dr. Floyd suggests the concept of mirroring. If your kiddo is lying on the carpet, lie next to them and mimic their posture.

“You are sending a subconscious message that says: I am like you. It allows them to trust you and it feels affirming and unthreatening. But a child must be open and willing,” Dr. Floyd cautions.

How to incorporate the 20-second hug into your day

First things first, you’d be hard-pressed to find a parent who says no to a hug from their child. And the need doesn’t always strike when they’re having a hard time. “My own personal rule,” Ms. Abbatiello says, “is to never be the first to let go when one of my sons comes in for a hug.” To-do lists and phone-scrolling be damned.

If you haven’t been intentional in the past about incorporating long hugs into your routines, perhaps you can try creating a hug ritual. Maybe you can be playful and count down from 20 together while locked in an embrace. Or at tuck-in, after bedtime stories, you end with a big, long hug before you say goodnight.

The more you do it, the more it will become part of your ritual. But as the experts say, ensure that it feels natural and not forced. There are the usual opportune hug moments, like saying goodbye to your kiddo before they leave for school, or after they’ve skinned their knee.

But think about the just-because or out-of-the-blue hugs, too. If you know they’d be open to it, catch your child off guard with a big bear hug.

With the understanding that the ticking clock of development likely dictates that my random-acts-of-hugs ten-year-old may one day start to find affection elsewhere, whenever he comes in for his signature bone-crushing embrace, I’m definitely holding on for as long as it takes.

20 moments in your day to offer a 20-second hug

Here are 20 moments in your day to offer a 20-second hug

• First thing in the morning
• Before leaving for school or work
• Upon returning home
• Once calm returns after an emotional outburst
• Before starting homework or chores
• After finishing a task or achieving something
• If your child is feeling sad, upset or lonely
• When your child is feeling happy or excited
• At bedtime
• After a nightmare
• During family time (e.g. while watching a movie)
• When saying “I love you”
• If your child is feeling unwell
• Before a doctor’s appointment or stressful event
• Just because, for no particular reason
• When your child expresses fear or anxiety
• In celebration of a small victory
• To reconnect after a disagreement
• When your child is being helpful or kind
• As a way to end the day peacefully

Experts

• Dr. Tiffany Field is a Professor in the Department of Pediatrics, Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of Miami School of Medicine, and founder of the Touch Research Institute
• Dr. Kory Floyd is PhD and Professor of Communication and Psychology at the University of Arizona
• Jennifer Abbatiello is a  Certified Master Parent Coach and Founder of Your Transformed Family in Hamilton, Ontario