Are You Phubbing Your Kids?

The likelihood that you’re reading this story right now on your phone is high. And it might have found its way to you through any number of channels, social media being chief among them. If you’re a parent, something tells me you spend time checking news or getting information this way, which may lead to ‘phubbing’ your kids—snubbing them with your phone.

Given all the data and statistics we are all awash in regarding the dangers of social media, it’s hard not to feel a level of shame if you are phubbing. But don’t. Social media and phone addiction are insidious—even for grown-ups. Luckily, there are ways to untether yourself and model healthier phone use for your kids.

What's Phubbing?

The big question is, what is the cost of phubbing to our families? Studies show this cost is more than just a vague feeling; it can be quantified in a few key areas. Research on what's called "technoference" (when technology interferes with social interactions) has found that when parents are constantly distracted by their phones, it can:

Affect children's behaviour

Studies have linked frequent parental phubbing to a rise in children's hyperactivity, inattention, and other behavioural problems. In response to feeling ignored, kids may act out or exhibit difficult behaviours to try and regain their parents' attention.

Hinder emotional development

Phubbing can disrupt the vital "serve and return" interactions between parent and child, where a child makes a bid for attention and the parent responds. When a parent's face is blank and unresponsive due to being absorbed in a phone, it can lead to a "still face" effect. This can make children feel unimportant and, over time, hinder their ability to learn how to express and regulate their own emotions.

Damage the parent-child bond

Children whose parents are constantly phubbing them can experience feelings of sadness and frustration. The disruption in communication and responsiveness can make them feel that they have to compete with a device for their parents' love and attention, which can weaken the fundamental parent-child bond.

What do the experts say?

Award-winning psychiatrist and author of The Tech Solution, Dr. Shimi Kang, believes social media is “the fire of our times”. She explains that, in the same way that at one point in history, we learned how to use fire, those who did it well went further and further. Those who didn’t got burnt, and burnt down the village.

She feels we are at a similar inflection point when it comes to tech. “Some people are using it well. Some kids are building apps and websites. The promise of AI to cure cancer and climate change is great. However, we are seeing people being burned and burning down the village with misinformation, addiction, depression and anxiety,” she said. “The first iteration of social media was called the race to the bottom of the brainstem, meaning algorithms were meant to attract the brainstem and keep people hooked.”

Parents aren’t immune

Although, as adults, we often think that we have more control over our media use than kids, it can be just as hard (or harder) to quit. It's simple enough to take your child's tablet, turn it off and put it on a high shelf. It's more difficult to put your phone away and leave it there, especially when you've grown to need that phone for so many aspects of your life. It's a phone, calendar, alarm clock, grocery list and encyclopedia. And once you're looking at it, it's so easy to tap that Instagram icon.

Dr. Kang is unequivocal when letting people know that there isn’t a single person, parents, teachers, psychiatrists—herself included—who is immune to the draw of social media and phones. “Dopamine is the currency of addiction. Algorithms keep us really attracted and on these devices. So, no matter who you are, and if you think you have it figured out, you don’t,” she said. Essentially, feel free to rid yourself of the shame, as it serves nobody.

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but modern parenting is stressful, which can make parents more vulnerable to the draw of social media. Many are in the sandwich generation, taking care of children as well as tending to the needs of aging parents. Add work, relationships and just general the-world-seems-like-a-dumpster-fire-at-the-moment stresses, and subtract the support of the ‘village’. What's the constant? The phone, which we use to help us cope or to distract us.

Toronto dad, Luca Riggio, explains why he felt compelled to change things when he noticed his phone use was getting in the way of child-rearing. “I would get a notification mid-play time, I’d hear it, look at my phone and engage in phubbing. Then the realization would dawn, and it would feel gross. A curious little check would turn into full immersion into my phone,” he said. This prompted him to turn off notifications. “Before this, I felt like I would become like a zombie to my kids. I’d be doom scrolling, and then I’d look up, and my kids would be staring at me. You don’t want your kids to feel nullified,” he said.

Modelling behaviour

This is a powerful concept in parenting. It is generally accepted wisdom that kids are more likely to follow what we do rather than what we say. Dr. Kang suggests that, if you do have to use your phone, explain to your kids what you’re doing. Let them know that you’re grabbing your phone to text someone a message or that you’re trying to book an appointment, and show them that you’re not playing a video game or scrolling social media.

In The Tech Solution, Dr. Kang breaks down three ways we consume tech: toxic tech (bullying, gambling, pornography, etc); junk food tech (mindless scrolling) and healthy tech (using tech to improve your health, fitness, track sleep, education, etc). She advises parents to clarify to their kids what they’re consuming and the choices they are making with their tech diet, as they might with their food diet.

Riggio is also conscious of modelling responsible phone use. “My personal rule is that if I have to check my phone, I do it in a different room, if possible,” he explained. “If I have to look something up, I’ll leave the room briefly, obviously with exceptions for emergencies.” His goal is to try not to use his phone when he’s within his kids’ sight. If they follow him, then that’s a sign that it’s not the time to use it.

Why try a social media detox?

To put it bluntly, parents who are scrolling when they are in the presence of their kids are losing opportunities for spontaneous connection, conversation or play. Being present and mindful when interacting with your kids can only be positive. Noticing if they’re tired or sad after a long day of school, laughing at the same jokes when watching a movie together, or simply lying on the carpet and playing lego can help them feel seen and cared for. They are little steps that can be taken to deepen connections and foster the parent-child bond. All hard to do if you’re scrolling Insta.

Adrianna Ten Napel, a parent of three children and social worker in Stratford, Ontario, and her husband, a nurse, have taken steps to either remove or decrease social media use in their home. Their children range in age from one and a half to eleven. “My husband is completely off of social media. I have turned off notifications on SnapChat and don’t go on social media from the hours of 7am to 7pm. We are trying to give our kids the attention they need and deserve and to be present for them,” she said. She admits that it’s not perfect, but they are certainly trying.

Although they help keep each other accountable, it is hard. Ten Napel is from Nova Scotia, so she likes to stay connected to family and friends. She and her husband both work in a hospital, and sometimes, they work with kids experiencing mental health issues. “From the work that I do, I see how [phone] affects kids’ mental health. And of course it does, because it affects mine. Why would I think it would be different for kids?” she said.

Today’s Parent reader, Bobby Umar, said, “The data is clear. You are going to help yourself and your kids. Start with yourself because a better you is a better everything else. Long-term, the kids will appreciate it.”

Weaning versus cold turkey

As is true in almost anything, what is good for one person might be terrible for another. Should you rip off the social media band-aid or slowly tug it off? It all depends on…you.

For Ten Napel, she couldn’t go the cold turkey route. “When I tried to delete all the apps off my phone, I would just regress,” she said. She opted to gradually reduce the time spent on the apps and finds that she now doesn’t reach for them. “You train yourself not to need that dopamine hit,” she said.

Riggio, on the other hand, who had a period of time without any social media, and whose app of choice is Reddit, sees quitting social media the same way one would quit any other addiction. “I find that cold turkey is best. I went almost four years with no social media. I’ve done it once, so doing it again isn’t as hard for me.”

When asked what advice they’d give to other parents contemplating removing social media from their phones, Today’s Parent reader Niki Remecki suggested taking it slow. “Baby steps, use apps that give you limits, be honest with yourself. Use outside resources. I had to use a tech addiction program at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH),” she said.

Whatever method you choose, here are some helpful tips

• Identify the specific apps that are consuming most of your time and attention
• Set clear intentions and goals for reducing social media or deletions
• Inform your family of the plan, making it easier for them to support you through it
• Find alternative ways to stay connected to family or other networks you might need to access
• Think about turning off notifications as a first step if deleting things feels too drastic
• If this is helpful, move toward setting strict time limits before committing to deletion

Quality time ideas now that you’ve got extra time

For younger children:

• Read books together
• Creative play: building blocks, drawing, or dress-up
• Outdoor exploring: parks, nature walks, splashpads in the summer

For school-aged children:

• Board games or card games
• Cooking meals together or baking
• Engaging in their hobbies. Ask them what they’d like to do. Music? Sports? Crafts?
• Create a simple science experiment

For teenagers:

• Put aside time for ‘check-in’ conversations
• Watch a movie or show together and chat about it afterwards
• Play video games with them
• Go outside together: walk, bike, swim, hike

How to avoid getting pulled back in

The truth is, it’s hard, and it might happen. If it does, go easy on yourself. Practice self-compassion. Remember that these apps were designed to keep you engaged, and occasional slips are normal. Every day is a new chance to try again.

The bottom line

Disconnecting from your phone will lead to greater connection with your family, and ultimately a stronger bond with your children. When they grow up, they’re going to fondly remember random carpet tickle fights, building forts before watching hockey games or helping prepare Sunday brunch. But they might also remember asking you to help them put a puzzle together, and you sitting entranced watching a Kardashian’s 45-step beauty routine or trapped in a Reddit AITA rabbit hole. Ask yourself, in the end, which memory do you prefer they are left with?