Women are complex beings, moms even more so. By comparison, dads are not the bumblers depicted on sitcoms. We are linear thinkers, quick-fix experts who can deftly avoid being bogged down in emotion and endless overanalyzing. But there are a few things dads deeply wish moms knew. Drum roll, please....
1. Bugs Bunny is synonymous with culture
Dismissed by some as an unfunny, time-wasting cartoon character, dads see Bugs for what he really is: an arbiter of culture whose passion for the arts resonates deeper in a child’s psyche than any trip to a museum or opera ever will. Come on, Rabbit of Seville. Need I say more?
2. Garage sales are bad ideas
Exhausting, deflating and guaranteed to end with these words: What was I thinking? Worse, after the penny-pinchers scram, you’ll have to put most of your junk back.
3. Ice cream is a powerful force
Duct tape and WD40 may fix most things, but ice cream’s universal popularity makes it a dad’s best tool. Offering to go out for ice cream — or, even better, not — is like a mind-control ray on children.
4. Sports are a microcosm of life
Many moms wrongly assume dads are trying to live vicariously through their children with sports. Not so. Instead, that huge kid trying to separate your child’s head from his shoulders is an amalgam of life’s many obstacles; a mere challenge to unlock on the quest for adulthood.
5. Minivans may destroy your soul
Moms can’t appreciate it’s hard to be a manly role model driving something that would make Steve McQueen look like a dork. Convenient? Sure. Practical? You betcha. Soul-sucking? Maybe. Which explains the mid-life crisis sports car.
6. Facebook and too much information is the devil’s brew
Some moms bond with their peers by posting affecting child-rearing moments on Facebook. “Katie threw up on the Walmart greeter,” may seem like a fun post, except, it will live on forever, somewhere. Dylan may “have the cutest little wee-wee,” but 15 years later, he’ll never get a date or a job. Thanks, mom.
7. Keep birthday parties simple
Planning the modern kid birthday party has become an arms race. Cancel the Lipizzaner Stallions. Call off the trip to Space Camp. Take it from a dad, get a cake, a movie and some earplugs.
8, Fancy meals made easy
The secret to making a gourmet meal for kids? Cut up hot dogs and mix them into Kraft Dinner. Bam! Not only will it kick the KD up a notch, but adding hot dogs also means you’re providing three — maybe all four, who knows? — of the basic food groups in one meal.
9. Save money, build it yourself
This one is similar to not asking for directions. Every dad knows it’s foolish and an automatic forfeiture of your man card to part with good money to have someone else build your child’s bicycle, even if it is Christmas Eve, the bike has 432 parts and the instructions are in Yiddish.
10. How to think like a 10-year-old
Sure, moms have that icky, emotional tether with their children that can only come from giving birth. But can they think like a 10-year-old? Not a chance. From video games to water balloons, whoopee cushions to comic books, dads are masters of the preteen mind.
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