Why Watching Your Kids Grow Up Is The Hardest

Guiding our children to independence is the point, but that doesn't make it easy. Last month, as my kids exited the car to get on the school bus for the last time this year, and I watched them stride away from me through my rear-view mirror, I felt a familiar pang in my chest. It's not mom guilt (an emotion I also know all too well), but mom grief.

This is one that I've been feeling a lot lately, and judging by the popularity of this video that has been making the rounds again on social media, it's safe to say that other parents are dealing with it now, too. While my daughters are simply excited about summer, I'm feeling a stab of sadness for another year gone by.

Why watching your baby grow is so difficult

For some of us, for many years, "parent" isn't just a role; it becomes a defining feature of our identity. That's because parenting your kids is often the driving force in your life. You plan your vacations around their school schedules, organize your evenings and weekends according to their activities and play dates.

When daycare naps are a no-go, or they're being bullied at school, you feel those frustrations, too. And when they make a new friend at the playground or ace a math test, those are your wins as well.

Regardless of what's happening with your relationship with your partner, your friends, or your career, the job of parenting itself likely features in your biggest worries—and greatest personal joys. So, when our kids start to need us less, it can be disorienting.

"Every milestone, first step, first day of school, first heartbreak, is also a moment of letting go," says Dr. Amber Cohen, a clinical psychologist and founder of The Cohen Clinic in Toronto. "It's like loss in slow motion."

The basic stages of development

As your baby grows into a toddler, preschooler and beyond, they will hit a range of developmental milestones. "While every milestone can be a celebration, it is also a tiny goodbye to the previous stage," says Dr. Lauren Feiden, a child and adolescent psychologist with Manhattan Psychology Group in New York. And there are a lot of growth and development stages that our kids work their way through as they mature from babies to young adults, creating lots of opportunities for mourning what came before.

Toddlerhood (1-3 years): During the early years, children start developing autonomy as they stand, crawl, walk, begin feeding themselves, and even saying "no."

Preschool (3-5 years): As kids approach school age, they start to test limits, begin making choices and practicing social skills. They grow their independence through routine and play, often at daycare or preschool, and more playdates with other children.

Early School Age (5-9 years): Starting in kindergarten, kids begin to form a stronger identity. They seek freedom, value peer relationships and start questioning the rules, all while still needing support and guidance.

Tweens (10-12 years): At this stage, more emotional independence appears. Kids may begin to seek more privacy, test boundaries at home and school, and they begin to manage their emotions and their time.

Teens (13-17 years): During their teens, kids begin to form stronger identity. They seek more freedom, and place more value on their friendships.

Navigating the changing parent-child relationship

As kids grow and mature, roles and dynamics will inevitably shift. Toddlers will suddenly want to dress themselves, and school age kids may no longer want a kiss goodbye at morning drop-off. By the time they reach adolescence, children are going through rapid physical and emotional growth. Through each stage, parents will need to adjust their expectations and their approach, as kids' needs evolve.

Although tweens and teens may not feel as close as they once did, they still require the support and guidance of their parents. In some ways, sharing family dinners, setting aside time for fun family outings, and one-on-one time with your child can be more important than ever. Things will look a little different as older kids move through the stages towards independence, but big kids need their parents, too. "As parents, we pour our love and energy into building this little person's world, and it's bittersweet when they begin to build one without us at the centre of it," says Cohen. "Even in healthy families, this grief is real."

Practising letting go

There's no question that this is tough. Parents have to practice celebrating the child's milestones—first steps, first day at school, first date, and so on—while also quietly grieving the end of the era that came before. And it is okay to feel both, at the same time. "Two seemingly competing things can be true," says Cohen. "You can be proud and heartbroken. Grief and joy are often neighbours in parenting," she says. Creating small rituals to honour the transitions can help. This could be compiling photo albums, writing letters to your child or practising quiet reflection.

Parents who have trouble letting go may start chronically guilting their child or creating dynamics that can leave them more dependent on you. If you are engaging in these behaviours, challenge yourself to identify if this is in the best interest of your child and the family as a whole. "Letting go doesn't mean losing love, it means making space for what's next," says Cohen.

Preparing for the 'empty nest' stage

When children reach their late teens and begin to pull away more permanently, as they head off to college or university, for example, there can be an acute sense of loss as you face down a new phase where there will be no more school runs, or lunches to pack, or mountains of laundry to fold. For some parents, managing that might require a major shift in perspective. It's all about preparing for the end to the role of active parenting, and that can feel really hard.

But making your way through is not just about filling your time, but it's about filling your life up with more things that are just for you. This might be the phase where you finally take a dance class, or learn to paint, or return to pottery making. "Rediscover your interests and goals outside of parenting," says Feiden. "Reconnect with your partner and friends and find new ways to stay connected with your child," she says.

Embracing the journey ahead

"Rather than dwelling on feelings of loss and anxiety, caregivers can transform these moments into opportunities for deeper connection, self-discovery, and gratitude," says Feiden. "This growth mindset promotes curiosity and resilience, turning transitions into meaningful chapters instead of endings." Eventually, your kids will be embarking on their own journeys, and that can be the beginning of something new and wonderful for parents, too.

In the meantime, as I try to pull my focus away from the rearview, I've started thinking about my daughters like nesting dolls: the soft baby cheeks, chubby toddler tummies, mischievous preschool smiles and every other version of them since isn't really gone but nestled somewhere deep inside. And as they grow older, there are more layers of them to love.

But, of course, I still feel that ache as I watch them walk away more often, and more independently these days. At its core, this is the push and pull of parenthood. Your heart is both bursting and breaking. You want to hold on to the past, soak up the present, and look ahead to the future to see how it all turns out. It's true that watching kids grow up is the worst, but it's also the best.

Experts

• Amber Cohen, a clinical psychologist and founder of The Cohen Clinic in Toronto
• Lauren Feiden, a child and adolescent psychologist with Manhattan Psychology Group in New York