Why Kids Need A Good Cry

A good sneeze can be relieving; the tension that builds up is released, and we can breathe more clearly. Sometimes, a healthy, robust sneeze just needs to take over. We can apply this same principle to the expression of feelings in children: Kids also need to fully express their feelings. They need to show all their emotions and it works best when a loving adult is present.

However, there are many times when allowing this wave of emotion to run its natural course will feel frustrating, inconvenient or upsetting to parents. Parents may feel that children are crying over “nothing” or for “no good reason.”

By the end of a long, demanding day, parents may not feel very warm or loving towards their upset child. As much as we may believe in the importance of allowing a child to cry, it can sometimes be hard to bear.

To help kids regulate their emotions, let them feel it all

Here's why letting kids cry is important: They learn to control their feelings by feeling them. They have to get to know how these emotions feel in their bodies and minds, to learn how to deal with and recover from them.

When they are more used to strong emotions, they get better at understanding them and knowing how to feel calm again. If this learning gets cut off prematurely by a critical or emotionally withholding adult, they may have a harder time learning how to handle the full intensity.

Think of an adult you know who was never allowed to be angry, or was told that it’s weak to cry. When they have these feelings as an adult, it can be paralyzing and destabilizing, rather than known and manageable.

As adults, we know the only way to feel all the way better about something that bothers you is to allow yourself to feel your feelings and deal with them, rather than to avoid them or stuff them down.

Feeling your feelings is an important life skill. When you feel capable of facing the intensity of your feelings, you learn that you can tolerate them, that they won’t last and won’t hurt you. This is a lesson best learned in childhood.

Why a full cry matters

Allowing children to fully experience their emotions can give them a chance to release built-up feelings from hurts and upsets they may have been carrying all day, all week, or even longer. Sometimes, they might cry about something small, but it's because of bigger feelings they've been holding in. It's like a dam breaking, and they can finally let out the cry they needed without realizing it. They can have the healthy cry they didn’t even know they needed. We often find that our feelings about the small things can reflect deeper concerns or upset.

What hidden feelings are those tears revealing?

When you let an emotional moment happen, you and your child might find out about other feelings. For example, crying about a game could show they're having trouble at school.

Going ballistic about getting a smaller cookie could eventually lead to a discussion about feeling less special than a sibling. Crying excessively about going to Grandma’s could mean your child is just tired, or a follow-up discussion could reveal that your child doesn’t feel safe when Grandma takes a “quick trip” to the corner store, leaving your child alone.

When parents understand what's beneath the surface, they can respond with more genuine care and comfort, helping to soothe their child's upset feelings.

Your calm presence is the key to co-regulation

So, how do we allow for this deep learning that supports our kids' emotional development? When our children have one of these emotional waves, we need to rely on our inner steadiness, an anchor inside of us that is not able to be swept away. This anchor is our parent self-regulation, a capacity which allows us to practice non-reactivity and to consider our options for co-regulation.

Visuals and imagination can help with this. Imagine yourself as a lighthouse during one of your child’s storms—not disrupting or interrupting, but a steady, pulsating, calming presence. We support with the calm, immovable silence of a lighthouse. Our gaze and “mmm-hmms” allow a child to move closer to their own shores, slowly and steadily.

Or, you may also imagine yourself as a flagpole, and your child’s emotions are a flag in the wind. Your job is to stand firm, offering a stable, secure base for your child to remain tethered to. During an emotional storm, these options mean that you choose to be as emotionally present for your child as you can, while maintaining their safety, but that you also focus on regulating yourself.

After all, one important way to define “success” when it comes to responding to our child’s emotional upsets is our ability to stay calm throughout. This should be every parent’s first priority.

Self-talk can help. While your child is upset, tell yourself, “My child is having a hard time. It’s temporary; my only goal is to remain calm. My child’s tantrum will pass as I remain calm.” Learn to use self-talk at times you are feeling overwhelmed by your child’s need for a big cry.

Why parents resist tears

Are there any downsides to allowing a child to have a robust cry? It is important to do some reflection here and ask yourself if there are things you are afraid of or are avoiding with your child’s emotions.

• Are you worried about being embarrassed in front of others if your child melts down?
• Are you afraid of your child’s unhappiness, e.g., will they be just like your mother, brother, etc., who suffers from depression?

At times, it may be necessary to actively assist a child in calming down (children are complex and parenting calls for different things at different times). Kids who have states of prolonged, frequent or aggressive outbursts require parent or professional intervention that goes beyond offering co-regulation.

However, we have found in practice that in most cases, allowing a child to ride out a wave of emotion, while offering basic co-regulation (warmth, presence and calmness), can often be the most efficient way to resolve emotional upset and allow a child to fully bounce back. One important sidenote: Allowing for a good cry does not mean permitting your child to hit or kick or hurt you or others.

How allowing emotions shapes a child's inner world

A final point: all of the thousands of interactions we have with our children help form their inner sense of themselves, including their goodness and lovability. How adults respond during their calm and stormy phases sets a template from which they will interpret later relationships and experiences.

We call these “internal working models,” and they are powerful predictors of a child’s later emotional functioning and functioning in relationships. A child internalizes a sense of self in part through our responses: When an adult delights in their company, “I am delightful,” when an adult listens intently to a child’s story, “I am interesting,” etc.

When an adult allows a child to have a full, robust cry, without criticizing, dismissing or interrupting them, a child can experience themselves as deserving of care and soothing, even when they have totally lost it.

It is important to feel feelings and to feel them fully. This is the best way for kids to learn about their own authentic feelings, including how to cope with them and how the adults around them can accept them and love them just the same. It’s a critical period when kids are learning how the world and the adults around them respond when they are upset. Just like a good, healthy, robust sneeze, sometimes our kids just have to let it out, and, when possible, we should allow them to do so.

With excerpts from The Self-Regulation Workbook for Children Ages 5 to 8, Ulysses Press, 2025.