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Why Do We Judge Other Parents?

We all do it, but why? Experts and moms share the surprising reasons, the toll it takes and how to rise above it.

Why Do We Judge Other Parents?

Breastmilk or formula. Co-sleep or sleep train. Stay-at-home or back-to-work. Baby-led or traditional weaning. When it comes to parenting, the scope for judgment is infinite. And whether we’re judging our own parenting choices or others, most of us partake from time to time. But why do we do it?

The psychology behind judgment

“At the heart of it, deep down, we judge out of self-protection and a need for validation,” says clinical psychologist, Dr Anne Welsh. “We essentially want to shield ourselves from the painful reality that we do not have as much control over the outcome of our kids' lives as we would like,” she explains. It makes sense. We care about our children deeply and want to do a stellar job raising them. The thought that we’re doing it wrong feels almost unbearable.

And yet never before has there been a time where we’re bombarded with so much information on how to parent. You can’t flick through a paper, peruse a bookstore or scroll Instagram without being told the right way to get your child to sleep, eat, play (and so on).

Kamini Wood, a Human Potential Coach and the CEO at Live Joy Your Way, felt the sting of having to get it right when she became a mom at a younger age. “The unspoken assumption was that youth equalled incompetence, and I often felt like I had to prove myself as a capable mom and someone who truly belonged in the parenting world."

Judgment as a quest for validation

The other reason we judge is to get validation. “Many of us have grown up with a lot of external validation such as grades, salary and job title. We've been conditioned to seek that out as a way of saying ‘I am enough’,” says Dr. Welsh. Then we become a parent and there is no external validation to be found; no performance review, annual bonus or promotion.

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When we judge others, she explains, we get a dopamine hit from thinking to ourselves ‘at least I’m not doing that.’ “It feels good temporarily, but it ends up eating away at our confidence and attunement as a parent. We get even more stuck in that right/wrong dynamic and lose flexibility and nuance,” she says.

When validation becomes a survival tool

I experienced this intense need for validation myself, with my first child who was born shortly before the first Covid-19 lockdown and appeared to think sleep was for the weak. After months of lockdown and half a year of never sleeping more than an hour or two at a time, I was starting to go slightly mad. So I decided to sleep train.

We used the gradual retreat method, and after a couple of nights, she was sleeping through the night. It was transformative for both of us. But then came the guilt.

The problem with judging parents

The fundamental problem with judging parents is that there isn’t one correct way to parent. "If there was, there wouldn't be 300 books on the topic,” says Dr Welsh. She adds, “There are actually so many right ways to parent, so many beautiful ways to attune to your child's own unique needs and your family situation."

A woman holds a smiling toddler.

Escalating expectations for mothers

And all of this is set against a backdrop of escalating expectations of mothers. “In my book, The Ambition Paradox, I speak to the shifts in parenting expectations as a huge factor in the anxiety and overwhelm that women currently experience as parents,” says Dr Welsh.

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“Working mothers are spending more time with their children than at-home mothers in the ’70s. We are supposed to have Pinterest-worthy houses and birthday parties, but also heal from generational trauma at the same time. We are supposed to be perfectly emotionally regulated at all times, but receive no support or time for self-care,” she says.

How to stop judging and build confidence instead

It seems that the capacity for judgment is baked into parenting—so how can we avoid it? Often the suggestion is to shrug it off and say to yourself: 'Who cares what they think?' But that won’t work, because fundamentally we do care. Dr Welsh’s five tips to stop judgment:

  1. Develop self-awareness: Keep an eye on where you judge others and make an effort to shift away from that.
  2. Get curious: When you find yourself worried about what others think, get curious. Why is their opinion important to you?
  3. Give the benefit of the doubt: Remind yourself that we are all just doing our best with the information we have at the time.
  4. Reject a one-size-fits-all mentality: Remember that parenting is never going to be one-size-fits-all.
  5. Social media detox: If it is contributing, get off social media or curate your feeds intentionally.

When in doubt, try asking yourself: What am I protecting myself from? What need do I have that is being unmet here?

“This can help you keep an inward focus and work on the pieces that really will make a difference to your sense of worth and wellbeing,” advises Dr Welsh.

This article was originally published on Jan 17, 2025

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Abby Driver is a freelance journalist focused on health, wellbeing and motherhood. She lives on the coast in Cornwall with her husband, two daughters and golden retriever. When she's not with her family or writing, she likes to swim in the sea, lift heavy things at the gym and read fiction. 

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