Angry? What You Need To Know About Mom Rage

“Are we there yet?” my son asks for the 378th time on the road between Montreal and Quebec City. This bright Saturday morning, despite the gorgeous light, I see red. The drive is quiet, but I'm not. I'm sleep-deprived. My two kids wake up between 4:50 and 5:00 am these days, and I can't bear to hear them getting impatient in the back seat. My husband, their father, does what he can to contain them. I ask my offspring to stop screaming, once, twice, three times, four times.

Suddenly, I feel an incredible flow of energy through every cell in my body, and I start screaming.

It's not a pretty sight or sound. In the rear-view mirror, I can see the fear in my children's eyes. I take the first exit I see, pull over to the side of the road, get out and start walking. Direction: nowhere. And here I am, trying to teach my children to manage their emotions.

Since I became a mother 10 years ago, I sometimes explode with my kids. And yet I'm not only a happy person, but I’m also privileged. I thought I was the only one living with this flaw, until I discovered the testimonies of women who have dared to speak out in recent years, including American Minna Dubin, author of the book Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood, and Quebecer Jessika Brazeau, co-host of the podcast Ça va maman? 

There have even been studies on mom rage. Everyone wants to know where this anger comes from.

Is mom rage just anger?

But anger isn't the problem, because it's a perfectly healthy and normal emotion, says Lory Zephyr, a psychologist specializing in maternal mental health and another Ça va maman? co-host. "It's okay for a mother to lose her patience if she's asked her child to put her shoes on five times. She can show her anger to draw the line. Rage is something else. It's unexpected, disproportionate, and totally disorganized. Mothers tell me: ‘I was shouting and I didn't recognize my own voice.’”

At the time, I must admit, this explosion was a real relief. Jessika Brazeau, who once saw herself as an “angry woman”, knows exactly what I mean. "The explosion is a relief from something. I'm not saying keep exploding! I'm just saying that mothers who go through this aren't crazy. They're human."

Zephyr and Brazeau produced a podcast episode on the subject in 2023 and gave an online talk to nearly 350 people. The number of registrations for the latter astonished them: It was by far their most popular lecture, and another 950 people have since bought the recording. 

Above all, the two women wanted to put things into perspective. “We shouldn't dramatize and call into question the whole parent-child relationship just because there were a few minutes when it was difficult,” says Zephyr.

The women also wanted to make mothers aware that their children aren't the only people they need to worry about. "The goal isn't just to reduce rage so as not to harm others. It's also about having a slightly greater general sense of well-being [yourself]," says Brazeau.

The psychological impact of mom rage

I haven't often recounted my rage episode on Highway 40. Nor the ridiculous one when I went berserk and ate all the pineapple my children were about to eat, enraged as I was to hear them arguing over who had the most pieces in their bowl. But I feel confident recounting these memories to Christine Ou, a professor at the School of Nursing at the University of Victoria in British Columbia. She listens to me, shaking her head and looking at me with empathy. "I've had many similar experiences myself. Children know exactly which buttons to push!"

When Ou became a mother in 2011, she says, “I'd never felt so much rage.” She started slamming doors and throwing things at the floor. Looking back, she realized that she was probably suffering from postpartum depression, and that her anger was a symptom of it. Even though she was a pediatric nurse, she couldn't diagnose herself. That's what prompted her to return to school in 2015 to dig deeper into the issue.

Her work with 278 mothers of infants aged six to 12 months, published in 2022, showed that, among those experiencing intense anger, half were possibly experiencing postpartum depression. For Ou, this rage, whether linked to depression or not, deserves attention. It's like a warning light on our dashboard.

Societal pressures and reality checks

Ou's research reveals that intense anger consumes women for three main reasons. First, they are disappointed by the reality of motherhood. “We all go into motherhood with a really rosy picture, right? Like, ‘Oh, it's going to be me and the baby in a stroller. It’s going to be happy.’ Society paints it rosy pink.”

The reality check can be brutal, especially for women in heterosexual relationships. "When we were growing up, I think we were exposed to a lot of ideals about how men and women are equal, even if they're different. But in the last 20, 30 years, we have not broken the 65-35 barrier where women are putting in 65 percent of the time with childcare and domestic duties and men are still getting by with about 30 percent, 35 percent." There can also be disappointment with one's own parenting skills when one thinks one can perform the role effortlessly.

Another reason that pushes some women over the edge is that their needs are not being met. We're talking here about physical or emotional needs, as well as anything to do with self-esteem or a sense of accomplishment. This brings to mind the words of Susie, a mother of six who requested anonymity: "Having a little time to myself is really essential for me. When I go too many days without a moment to myself, it shows. I'm more likely to lose my patience."

Finally, Professor Ou's work reveals that the situation degenerates when women are at the end of their rope, stressed, exhausted, rushed, anxious, desperate and stuck. A glass of spilled milk, which wouldn't usually make a crease in our stomachs, may well send us into a rage after a stormy night's sleep due to our youngest child's teething.

Susie remembers that the triggers were more numerous when her partner had an unpredictable work schedule. "He was gone a lot, and we always found out at the last minute. It was completely chaotic, and often, I ended up spending the week alone with the kids."

Where does mom rage come from?

The Première Ressource team encounters many people at the end of their tether. This Quebec non-profit organization offers free, anonymous telephone support services to parents. "Right now, there's a lot of stress due to employability, the cost of living, housing and daycare spaces. There's also stress at work. There's stress everywhere. That's where it overflows," says Audrey Gosselin, the organization's Assistant General Manager.

Première Ressource meets a need that is not really addressed by the system. When we've just given birth and are leaving the hospital, the medical staff tell us, ”If you ever feel completely at your wits' end because the baby is crying too much, here are some resources." Their aim is to prevent shaken baby syndrome. But rage can happen when the child is two, four or 17. Overstretched rubber bands can happen at any age," Gosselin points out.

Première Ressource regularly receives calls about rage attacks. “We don't call it Mom rage," says Gosselin. “Firstly, because the parents who come to us with this condition aren't just moms; they're dads, too. Secondly, because when you put it like that, it's rather pejorative. The people who come to us with this problem are already not feeling well. Instead, we talk about exhaustion, discouragement and isolation."

It's true that the term “mom rage” can make women feel guilty. In fact, the authors and scientists hope to do just the opposite by treating mothers' experiences independently of fathers.

American author and artist Minna Dubin states in her book that mothers' rage is a reaction “to the oppressive cultural circumstances” that affect them. She is referring to the patriarchal system and the expectations accompanying motherhood: gentleness, recognition, and devotion. 

Professor Ou nevertheless plans to look into fathers' anger in the near future, since the scientific literature presents contradictory findings as to whether or not men experience intense anger after the birth of a child.

When an outburst occurs, whether by a man or a woman, the important thing is not to behave as if nothing had happened. Gosselin suggests making it a learning situation for the child. "When a parent goes overboard or does something regrettable, you'd think that's all the child would remember. But really, no! The child will also remember that the parent apologized and committed to doing better. The child understands that parents aren't perfect, and that nobody has to be perfect."

Coping strategies

The harsh words that spill out when you're in the grip of rage can come from a long way back. It's all the bad experiences we've had that come to the fore, according to Geneviève Mageau, professor in the Department of Psychology at the Université de Montréal. “Most people grew up being told what to do or being yelled at.”

The researcher believes that rage could be partly linked to confusion about good parenting practices. In recent decades, "Parents have been told not to shout, so their tone has become honeyed. But if a mother is angry and her tone is honeyed, it's incoherent for the child." He won't understand that he needs to follow her instructions right away. In short, he'll keep stretching the proverbial rubber band.

Above all, intervening with “Come on, honey” is tantamount to suppressing anger, an ineffective method of managing emotions, as numerous studies have shown. “Suppressing anger makes you explode afterwards,” explains Mageau. She has studied how maternal anger is expressed and found that reminding the child of rules and expectations—in other words, repeating limits—is a good way of channelling this energy and is associated with a better psychological state in the child.

The researcher's trick is to take action to prevent the onset of rage. “When our reserve of patience is low, we can say something like, ‘Right now, my patience level is as big as a grain of rice.’” 

We can also intervene in concrete ways to eliminate the problem. Mageau says that if a toy or video game is causing conflict, it can be taken away for a while. “Often, parents don't dare take away video games or Internet access, but it can be done until the child understands the problem,” she says.

Mageau also recommends establishing a climate of respect at home with the help of the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. You may be thinking, ‘Not another parenting book!’ But she assures me that this one is helpful, even though it dates back to 1980. She and her colleague Mireille Joussemet conducted a randomized controlled trial (the Cadillac in science) that demonstrated the program's positive effect, on which this book is based.

Mageau urges us not to take children's inappropriate behaviour personally. "Often, we attribute behaviour to their personality or lack of gratitude. It's important to remember that they're still developing and don't necessarily have the capacity to regulate themselves. Like your children, for example: they just wanted a lot of pineapple."

Beyond this parental advice, what's the solution? The answer to that question will be different for everyone, says Zephyr. "For some mothers, it will be ‘I need a week's rest’. For others, it will be ‘I need to work on my marital relationship’. For still others, finding community resources or asking grandparents for help will count for a lot."

Valérie Doran believes that societal reflection is also essential. This mother of two daughters remembers a memorable moment when she became irritated beyond reason. It was 9 p.m. and her children, then very young, still weren’t asleep. I grabbed my youngest and slammed her into her bunk bed. I didn't want to hurt her, but she had bruises on her arms the next day. Above all, the gesture generated fear in my daughters. I felt so bad.”

The daycare called the next day. Checks were made, Valérie told them everything, and the report didn’t go anywhere. She was relieved, but then felt abandoned. "Nobody asked me if I was okay, if things were going well at home. I understood that I wouldn't be supported further."

It's testimonials like these that prompt Ou to push for Canada to adopt a national strategy for perinatal mental health, following the example of Great Britain and Australia. While each province manages the issue in its own way, a minimum of resources should be ensured for diagnosis and support for parents. 

"I feel like I gotta just keep knocking at it until somebody pays attention! Because this is a thing [anger] that so many women feel. How can we ignore this?”

The original version of this article (in French) was translated by Today’s Parent in May 2025.