Lisa says: Bad news

Yeah. So potty training didn’t work.

By Lisa van de Geyn
Lisa says: Bad news

Photo by eldemir/iStockphoto

I’m, um, frustrated. The kid tried, and I’m proud of her for that, but nada. No pee-pee in the potty.

We spent the majority of the weekend outside. In between putting together the mammoth playset that Opa and Nonna gave the kids last fall (the instructions say it takes at least eight hours for two people to put together, so it’s quite the job), we rushed Addy back and forth to the potty. We kept her in underwear without pants while we worked, and at least once every five minutes one of us would ask: “Do you feel any pee-pee coming, Addy?” (Her answer was, of course, always no.) About once every 40 minutes I’d stop what I was doing (sorting through thousands of washers, bolts, nuts, nails, screws, etc.), and Addy and I would run into the house and into the bathroom to try and pee.

I’m not going to lie. It was torture. Addy’s a sarcastic little thing (no idea where she gets that trait), and she’d get all excited and say, “Mommy! I think it’s coming! Shhhh! Come close and listen.” So I’d move in super-close (hugging the toilet), and she’d laugh at me. “It’s not coming! Tricked you! Hahaha!” We played I Spy (in my tiny powder room that’s pretty much colourless), counting games, she made me tell her pee-pee to go in the toilet quietly, then quickly, then super loud, then “short,” then quiet again, etc. Eventually she’d get pissed (ha) and beg me to take her off the toilet. She promised every time that she’d tell me before she had to pee.

Within minutes of coming off the toilet and going back outside, she peed through Princess Aurora’s face. Then Belle’s face. “Mommy, my legs are wet. I think I made a pee.” Darn.

On Sunday, she peed through Cinderella’s face. Later, she held her pee for so long that when we put a diaper back on her before bed, she peed through the diaper and her jammies.

Yesterday at my parents’ house, my mom tried to continue training and Addy didn’t pee at all after 1:30 p.m. when my mom put Ariel undies on her. She came home diaper-less and we rushed to the bathroom when we got in the door, but …crickets. She ate dinner (diaper-less) and I reminded her not to pee on my kitchen chairs. We bolted to the toilet when she was done eating (I was sure she’d finally pee — it had been six hours since her last one) and …more crickets.

Just before taking her off the toilet at 8:30 last night, Peter bribed her with a toonie for her piggy bank. I threw in a couple of loonies to sweeten the deal. “How about we make a deal,” she finally said. “I get to keep this money, but I don’t have to pee on the potty.” No deal. We ended up pulling her off, putting a diaper on and promising to keep the money for her for when she pees on the potty.

If that’s not enough, I know the kid is holding it in, and I’d hate for her to become constipated or get a bladder infection.

Not surprisingly, I feel totally defeated — like a big, dumb impatient loser. I expected her to pee through her underwear …and I’d hoped she’d soak herself, feel gross and dirty, and realize that she hated peeing her pants and would embrace the potty. No such luck. I’m at a loss. She’s just not interested. I’m at the point where I’d hand a wad of cash to anyone who could come over and train her for me.

I need more ideas. How can I get her trained, and how can I do it without getting aggravated and impatient? HELP. (Send tequila.)

This article was originally published on Jun 26, 2012

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