Honest toddler: What is your kid thinking?

Amused by the rantings of Twitter personality Honest Toddler (sample: "We desperately need groceries but mom is afraid that her low level of hygiene will scare the normals. Snacking on baking powder.") deputy editor Leah Rumack plumbed the depths of her own toddler's sacred inner life. Here's what she discovered:

A Day in the Internal Life of Ben, 16 months
 
Greetings slaves! I enjoyed our midnight peach-eating session, didn’t you? Let’s do it again tonight. Put it in your agenda book. Really? I like rubbing poo on things too! Penis penis penis!
 
Whoah, do not for a minute think that I’m going to fall for this “pants” thing. Also, stop trying to feed me that muffin from a mix. Do you know how much sodium is in that? Blue Menu, my butt. Now Daddy takes me in his driving machine.
 
Ooo, look, it’s the nice Other Lady who gives me Cheerios and takes me to the park and doesn’t ignore me while posting updates about me on Facebook. I wish I could stay here forever. Penis penis penis! Fishy cracker, fishy cracker, milk, noodles, play, play. Nap! Fishy cracker. Grapes are for chucking.
 
Look! It’s Daddy. Why does he keep removing me from my Happy Place? Is there someone I can call about this? Now we’re here again. Toys=boring, iPhone=good, remote=delicious.
 
Hi cat! No, really, you should let me drive my car up your tail. You’re missing out. Hi Mommy, can’t talk right now, Bubble Guppies is on, a.k.a.: “Whatevs.” Though she’s right, Daddy, you really could have Emptied the Dishwasher for a Change. Let me help, I like knives, though your Wusthovs need sharpening in my opinion. That’s OK — I can do it with my tongue! 
 
Bike time. I can so ride my bike directly into traffic, stop getting in my way; you’re a bunch of bum bums, that’s what. Penis penis penis!
 
Nice try on the cucumbers and lean protein. Do I look dumb? (Don’t answer that.) I know there’s apple sauce in the fridge. Hold me! Never let me go! Put me down! Hold me! Bath time. Swim swim swim. Penis penis penis! You’re wrong; you do brush your teeth by licking the toothbrush. Why don’t you know anything? Goodnight Naggy, goodnight Lush, goodnight bicycle, goodnight brush. Penis.