Are You A Controlling Parent? Here's How To Let Go

So many of us are trying to do it all—and do it perfectly. We’re chasing Pinterest-worthy homes, perfectly packed lunches, smooth mornings and conflict-free bedtimes. But here’s the truth I wish more parents knew: Trying to control every aspect of family life isn’t helping anyone. Instead, it’s quietly stealing our joy, eroding our relationships and holding our kids back from building the independence they need.

Control feels comforting, but it's a trap

I get it. Control feels like safety. We try to plan, prepare and schedule everything because staying organized prevents disappointment.

But family life? It’s messy by nature. Siblings argue. Milk spills. Big feelings happen at inconvenient times (almost exclusively). We miss the magic hiding in those imperfect moments when we grip too tightly to the idea of perfection.

Even worse, our attempts to control everything can make our kids (and our spouses!) feel micromanaged and undervalued, which chips away at their confidence and our connection.

Messiness is where the growth happens

Letting go doesn’t mean letting everything fall apart. It means trusting that things will be okay even if they don’t go according to plan. So, when your child forgets their homework and has to problem-solve at school, they practise resilience. When dinner is last-minute and not Instagram-worthy, but everyone’s around the table, that’s joy.

The truth is, trying to orchestrate every moment robs kids of opportunities to learn and grow. They need room to make mistakes, figure things out, and discover their ways of doing things. Every time we swoop to ‘fix’ or ‘perfect’ something for them, we unintentionally send the message that they can’t handle it or that their idea wasn’t good enough.  Instead, let’s give them the gift of trust.

Redefine what success looks like

What if success wasn’t checking every box or having a spotless house? What if success were feeling connected to your kids, having space to breathe and modeling self-compassion? Some of the most essential parenting moments happen when things go sideways — when you burn dinner and everyone laughs and eats cereal or when your child messes up and you respond with compassion and curiosity instead of frustration.

Kids watch us closely. When they see us overplanning and self-criticizing, they learn that’s what adulthood looks like. But if they see us pausing, laughing, and letting go of perfection, they discover that life is to be lived, not controlled.

Let go so they can grow

One of the hardest (and most important) things we can do as parents is let go of our version of ‘right.’ Maybe your child’s way of tidying their room doesn’t match your standards. Maybe their homework isn’t neat (or even legible). That’s okay.

Their best effort—messy and imperfect is enough. Modeling feeling okay with enough helps kids build confidence, independence, and internal motivation to improve.

The more we back off and give kids space, the more capable they become. They learn to handle small challenges, solve problems, and trust themselves. Isn’t that what we want for them?

Practical ways to start letting go

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and tempted to control everything, start small:

• Let your child pack their backpack (even if it’s not perfect)
• Resist the urge to correct every mistake. Give them time to figure it out and improve
• Lower the bar for yourself. Some nights, cereal for dinner is exactly what everyone needs
• Laugh at the chaos. Dance in the kitchen. Say yes to silly
• Breathe before reacting. A moment of pause can soften the entire tone of the day

Be gentle with yourself, too

Perfectionism doesn’t just weigh on our kids; it drains us. It whispers that we’re failing if we’re not on top of everything all the time. But you’re doing better than you think.

You’re allowed to be tired, messy, and human. The goal isn’t flawless parenting. It’s a trusted connection.

When you model self-compassion, your kids learn they’re also worthy of kindness. They learn that mistakes are expected and that learning happens in the mess and within a trusted relationship. They learn that life is meant to be enjoyed, not perfected.

Loosen your grip and find joy

The next time you feel that urge to control every detail, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What’s more important here, perfection or connection? Small details or big lessons?

Letting go will feel uncomfortable at first; it takes practice. When you look back at the short time you have with them as young kids, remember that the moments they will cherish are not the perfectly planned ones but the ones where everyone was simply present and together.

And if all else fails? Toast and cereal for dinner. No one will complain.